projectbaby

i heart him....

2010-06-09T14:00:00.001-07:00

I've gained 20 lbs and I'm only 20 weeks. But you know what? As of yesterday, I actually feel 60lbs lighter!!! We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday and I cannot even put into words how relieved and happy I am with the results and after seeing the little peanut move and kick around in there. Seriously. HUGE lift off my shoulder. I can finally soak this whole pregnancy thing in. There really is a healthy, living being inside me!

He is perfect. The technician checked for about 15 minutes and then the doctor checked for a good 1/2 hour and confirmed everything looks good. He is measuring about 13 oz, which I thought was big for 20 weeks but the tech said is within the normal range. He was definitely camera shy, lying on his stomach, making it a little difficult for good angles and looks, occasionally covering his face with his hands, but they still managed to get everything checked. His heart, brain, spinal cord, kidney, bladder - everything was working and looked as they should, the doctor said. He did not see anything that raised any big or small flags. I went in expecting the worst, if not, some kind of news that's not horrible but will still freak me out and put me on eggshells for the next few weeks. But it couldn't have gone better and he couldn't have looked more perfect. Oh and yes, my 1st and 2nd Tri blood scans both came back normal, so yesterday's scan was just what we were waiting for.

The Hubs and I have finally announced it to everyone. There were still some friends who did not know so it was a huge step for us (for me at least) to let our entire world know. There's no going back now! I'm very private and don't like to share (emotionally and with food - haha) so it was a little uncomfortable (?) and awkward getting all the well wishes and congrats, but I've come to accept this and what's to come. He won't be in my belly forever. We'll need to share him when he's born, too!

So, what I thought would never come....we will be registering this weekend and planning our shower. I don't know if it's too early but it looks like my shower will be sooner than the norm - at 28 weeks. I wanted it to be a little later, but my favorite cousin (more like a younger sister) will only be in town until the first week of August and I refuse to have this shower without her presence. I know...what a brat, but I just have to have her there! And it looks like it'll be a co-ed shower, since The Hubs and I share so many close friends who are couples and I'd love them all there. I guess it's safe for me to start a checklist from this point on. I don't want to hold myself back anymore. I fully believe this now and know God never fails. I may, but God doesn't. So checking off my list soon are picking up nursery items from our family friend, registering, and shower guest list.

What we also need to start looking into soon is a new home. Our 1 bdrm apt just isn't gonna cut it come next year. Our lease is up in February, so timing wise, it's perfect. We're looking to rent a 2 bdrm apt or a condo, but staying within budget in OC is pretty much impossible, so I'll have to pray God provides once again.

On another note, my sister's neighbor gave birth to a healthy baby girl over the wknd. She had gained a total of 15 lbs the entire pregnancy. And guess what. My sister said she's already back to her pre-prego body. WHAT? I've gained 20 in 1/2 that time! Sigh....did I mention....during my last appt w/my doctor last week, the doctor recommended I go buy a scale. Yes. No lying. She did. And she said to eat less. hahaha. I'm trying! But I've never had self control to begin with so being pregnant and asking for self-control is c'mon! Not sure it's gonna happen! I'll just take it as it comes. I'm not stuffing my face but cannot hold back on soft serves and pizza when I want it so bad! My sister's neighbor went swimming almost everyday during her pregnancy (which yes, is possible in So. Cal). I'm making a beeline to the pool this weekend.

progress report...

2010-05-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

i am 17w5d of today. although, I'm a little confused on how far along i am because during my 14 week u/s (which was done on 14w1d), the tech said the 'lil one was measuring at 14w4d. so does this change my due date? Am I actually 18w2d today? i forgot to ask my doctor the last time i saw her. i really need to start making a list of questions. because as soon as I sit there waiting for her in that quiet white room full of baby photos and birth announcements, my mind goes blank. my next appt to see her is june 3. must remember, must remember...

my next u/s is the big anatomy scan u/s - set for tues june 8. i technically could have made the appt for today but they didn't have an opening. i technically can go in next week but i have training all week at work and cannot miss even 1 hour of it. i techically can go the following week, 1st week of june, but the training continues through wednesday and they don't have an opening for any appt on thursday or friday. SO....i am stuck. my big u/s will be done on the 20th week. pregnancy is really testing the very little patience that i do have. the hubs is getting a kick out of seeing me actually not having control of something. after my 20 week u/s, i think i will believe this is really happening.

here is the progress report as of today:
*i have yet to feel the baby move. i think i felt what felt like nerves and butterflies earlier this week but i don't know if it's just all in my head.
*there was some blood in my stool the other day. but i'm not constipated. i go pretty regularly and i'm not miserable. hmmm...is this normal? the blood thing?
*the hubs and my sisters have already started talking about babymoon and shower but i can't even think that far ahead. it freaks me out. what if we book a vacation and something goes wrong? what if we set the shower date and something goes wrong? again, after june 8th, i will actually go out and buy something "baby". maybe the justin bieber record.

*i've been feeling round ligament pain. it's not for long. i could literally feel my stomach stretch.

*i drank cherry coke & ate some (little) salami yesterday. i should hang myself. what is wrong with me!!
*i keep asking the hubs, do i look pregnant? no, for reals...if you just saw me & didn't know me. just be honest. i give him props for not hanging himself first.
*i want the next 2 weeks to fly by but have decided after halfway through the pregnancy, i hope the rest of the 20 weeks or so goes by t...h.......i..............s slow. i know i know, i won't be wishing that for long, but i wish this because i realized these next 5 months are the very last 5 months i get to have with the hubs alone. we won't ever get these days back. ever. i will (hopefully) experience another pregnancy eventually, but we will never be a team of two again. i want to savor every last bit of it.
*i started slathering on bella b tummy butter morning and night. no sign of stretch mark but don't want to risk it.
*i've been sleeping very well, although forcing myself to sleep on my left has been difficult. but as soon as my head hits the pillow, i'm out.
*no breakouts, which i expected would be my biggest issue. haven't had any issue with this since day 1. so to my surprise, my skin looks better than before pregnancy.
*my bff's wedding is next weekend so i'll be busy this weekend helping her. the hubs has offered to drive me up to her place which is 2 hours away. i heart him.

i hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

it's my big fat mouth...

2010-05-11T09:44:00.001-07:00

You can't tell anyone anything these days. I think I must've been in la la land when I thought people around me would use discretion and not have such loose lips about my pregnancy. But - in the end, it all comes back to me because I should've known better and not opened my big fat mouth until I was like oh....32 weeks.

I told my mother around week 8 pleading with her not to tell anyone. Well, I clearly remember her announcing it to our entire family that week, and not so dicretely, I mean "announcing" announcing, not just dropping hints. The Hubs told my MIL around week 10 pleading with her not to tell anyone. I do want to add, I did not want him to tell her period until, again, week 32, but he insisted if my mother got to find out, his mother should, too. I can list 100 reasons why that arguement is just absurd but I didn't want to stress myself out and besides, he just couldn't hide the glee anymore and had to tell someone. So it was his mother. My MIL I thought was so trustworthy. I love my mother, but unlike my mother, MIL filters what she says and has more self control. Well...I don't think there are any secrets between daughters and mothers, because she told her mother. Next thing I knew, the his entire side of the family knew. Uncles, aunts, cousins. I would get FB messages congratulating me! Delete. Delete. Delete. So both sides of the family found out before my first trimester was over but I was not and still not ready for the rest of my world to find out. Well...there's just no hiding things anymore. Friday before Mother's Day, my coworker J passed out Mother's Day candy baskets w/balloons to every mother on the floor. I did not expect to get one at all...oh, because, I don't know...NO ONE IN THE OFFICE SHOULD KNOW! Lo and behold, she stops by my cubicle handing me a basket "Oooh, I'm not gonna forget you, you mama-to-be!", saying it loud enough for everyone around me to stop and look and start congratulating. I smiled and pretended I wasn't bothered but first thing I thought was "How in the hell does J know???". I wasn't even gonna waste my time investigating. By then, I realized I should just tell my neighbor's dog all my secrets and I'll be safe.

Now, I'm not trying to be a preggo snob. I know this issue is so not an issue in the grand scheme of things, but here I am on week 16 and still nervous, worried, one foot out the door, guarded and reserved about my pregnancy. I still cannot fully grasp it, so how can I enjoy all the congratulations and hugs when I feel pushed into it? I don't want to come across as an ungrateful or unhappy preggo but to be completely honest, I'm enjoying this pregnancy only 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time, I'm just a nervous wreck waiting, knowing I'm doomed again. And I'm so tired of hearing "You need to stay positive". That might work for someone who bought a lottery ticket. Doesn't work so well on someone who's trying to carry a baby to full term after 2 losses.

The one saving grace is my doppler. I use it every Wednesday and Sunday. Each week, the hb's easier to find and more distinct. My growing belly calms me, too. It assures me he's still in there and growing, stretching my body each day. My family and coworkers know but our friends are still in the dark. But at this point, I think even that might not be true seeing how word travels around me. I've given The Hubs the green light to announce it to our friends after my 2nd Trimester blood screening this Friday. I'm thinking I won't get the results until next week, so next week, The Hubs will feel 100 lbs lighter since he just can't hold it in any longer. Why is it that I'm the only one holding back? I wish I can be as light-hearted and optimistic as he is.

Here are some things I look forward to in the 2nd trimester...
~ finally believing in this 100%. No more IF's but WHEN's.
~ passing all tests and scans
~ registering for baby gifts
~ buying my very first baby item
~ mini-babymoon
~ not hiding my growing belly
~ shopping for nursery items
~ stretch marks, leg cramps, back aches, 10 extra lbs, mood swings - yes, in my shoes, you will welcome these things and then some
~ 3rd trimester

14 weeks and counting...

2010-04-30T16:33:00.001-07:00

At this point, every day is a milestone for me. 14. FOURTEEN! That's just...such a blessing. The 'lil one has been cooking inside me for over 3 months now! Hard to believe. I know how blessed we are so I take each day as a milestone and blessing.

So here's a recap of the last few weeks...I've been so lazy about blogging so this is a good way for me to fill you in :)

* I did indeed change my mind and did the u/s at 14 weeks (this past Monday).
* I did not expect the u/s tech to know the gender. Figured that'll be done next month. Well, lo and behold...drumroll...she said she was 90% sure it's a boy. She pointed out what she thinks is the wee wee.
* The Hubs could hardly contain himself. Believe me, I'm elated! But I was kindda hoping for a girl because I just do not know how boys are. I come from a familly of all girls. What do boys do? I only know barbies and tutu's, pink and purple. And I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'm scared when my son hits puberty, he'll start rebelling, intimidating me and scare his own mom to death. I know it's all about how I raise him but puberty is not something we can detour away from.
* I've gained 10 lbs already. I've ready normal is 5 lbs after 1st trimester. I do not want to be a fat preggo and the Hubs slaps me around (not literally!) whenever I start whining about this. What it took for us to get here, I'll gain 75 lbs if I have to.
* M/S is completely gone
* I bought a home doppler. It has saved me from some gray hairs and wrinkles. Definitely a stress reliever! But I've been good about using it only 2~3 times a week.
* I keep wondering if I should be showing more. My belly seems to be growing VERY slowly but there are moments where I am shocked and wonder - WOW when did it get this big? But I still wonder if it should be bigger for 14~15 weeks?
* I haven't made the "official" announcement to friends and coworkers yet. I think relatives all know now through our not-so-discrete parents and siblings. My manager keeps pressuring me to tell everyone at work. I just want to punch her sometimes.
* I had to bail out on a Bachelorette Party for my BFF which is next weekend in Santa Barbara. She didn't take it very well. Which really hurt me. I feel terrible for not going...but I really thought she'd understand whole heartedly. I'm still so cautious about this pregnancy to the point where I can't even really tell my whole world about it yet, let alone go on wine tasting tours and bar hopping for a Bachelorette party. It just seems...not right and I'm worried something will happen 180 miles away from home. I'm a terrible friend but I'd rather be a terrible friend than a terrible mom.
*We've decided I will return to work after our baby's here. It was a hard decision but the smarter decision looking at our long term goal. This will help us save enough to purchase our first house in 2~3 years. We're sacraficing our 1st born for our future growing family. It looks like we'll have to put him in an infant daycare. I dread that day already.
* I'm not constipated which I expected during pregnancy. Not that I'm complaining but when I don't experience what is the "norm", I begin to worry. I need to stop this bad habit.
* I passed on doing the NT scan. We will only be doing the blood screenings. I didn't want to add 1 more thing to my worry bag. Besides, regardless of the result, it doesn't change the end. We would've had this baby no matter what so why put ourselves through that.
* I'm already counting down the days until my maternity leave.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

what's going on in there buddy?

2010-04-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

That's a question I ask everyday. One day, people who are much smarter than me will invent technology where pregnant moms can peek inside her womb at home and see the lil one is just chillin' doing fine.

I have been a terrible blogger and haven't updated in weeks, but I have been reading the ladies I follow. Just so we stay even on being nosey (cuz God knows I am!), here's what's been hapenning to me, I mean us, so far:

- 1st trimester officially ended yesterday
- doesn't make me feel completely out of the woods yet and I'm still worrying, freaking out, etc.
- we haven't made the announcement to friends yet. however the hubs couldn't contain and has told a few of his closest friends.
- my last dr appt was 4/1 and heard the baby's hb with a doppler. i have been freaking out since wondering if i should buy a doppler myself because I just don't know what's going on in there!
- i have started showing. when i'm naked or wearing something tight. none of which i do in public so no one outside of my house would know just by looking at me.
- i have gained 7 lbs already. i could do a whole entry on this subject alone. i feel fatter by the minute and starting to worry a little. so maybe people DO notice I'm pregnant when I'm out in public. i'm eating pizza as I write this btw.
- should i buy a doppler?
- dr. gave me the option of doing the next u/s 14 weeks or 18 weeks. i chose the latter. i don't know what the hell i was thinking...i want to change this w/the dr tomorrow.
- my 1st trimester screening blood test was done 4/1 and i have yet to get a call with the results. does it take this long? freak out reason #89.
- i co-hosted a bridal shower yesterday and lifted a few heavy things. crap!
- i'm not as nauseated these days. only when i'm really hungry. i'm not complaining but this gives me another reason to worry. nausea = good sign.
- i have been driving with an expired license for a month now.
- the lakers need to get their s*** together!
- and why the hell are people so forgiving of tiger?

So that's what's been going on with me. I just wish I could see what's going on inside me!

the big three oh

2010-03-13T08:11:00.000-08:00

I had a roller coaster of emotions yesterday morning as I exited my 20's, fearing the next number after 29, anticipating the afternoon's u/s, while celebrating (or mourning) it all by being nauseous at my desk. My coworkers knew how much I dreaded this day and didn't hide what they knew by putting up black balloons around my desk. (I've told you before about my office's obsession with balloons...just ridiculous). Yes, a little morbid if you ask me but nonetheless, they weren't completely wrong. I didn't want to be such a grump and think "black" all day though because I didn't want that to set up what will come in the afternoon in the u/s room. I felt like those black balloons were bad omens or something so that made me even more nauseous. And the night before, for the first night in many many nights, I did not suffer the usual nausea. It may have been the 2 plates of pasta I had for dinner and I've read starch is the way to cure nausea. But still, it freaked me out. I thought, oh crap, for sure this is not a good sign.

God gave me the best birthday gift ever. The baby measured exactly 7w6d with 163 hb. I cried tears of joy for the first time during an u/s. There were other types of tears before, but not joy. It had grown so much! I could literally see the difference within a week! I saw what looked like arms! The u/s tech was so sweet (can you believe it - the 2 techs who've seen me so far remember me from last year and what those u/s' were like so they were extra happy for me this time) and explained every little detail I was seeing. That moment, with my legs spread apart in a dark room with a cold wand stuck in my v, I was in pure heaven.

This is the farthest I've come in any pregnancies so I am thankful in so many way. I know I'm still not out of the woods but God has given me a chance at a differenct experience this time around. What lies ahead is unknown but what I felt yesterday and today, cannot be taken away.

On a side note, I'm constipated. I eat and eat but nothing has come out for 4 days now. I want to either throw up or just have 1 good #2 session damn it!

keep your eyes on the prize

2010-03-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

I am sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. I have been bitten by m/s like you won't even believe. I just want to open my stomach up! If I can't even handle m/s...how will I ever handle labor? I don't know...I don't even want to think about it right now. I am so sick of being sick.

I wake up sick and drag myself to work and sit there but I'm really not all that there. The nausea doesn't go away. at. all. The worst is at night. Right around 10:45pm, I am either dry heaving, hurling dinner into the toilet, or crying in bed because I cannot stand it.

How do I cure this? The Hubs keep saying it'll all go away in a month or so and THAT does not make me feel any better. I have barely survived a week so a MONTH? Don't remind me! I've tried eating small meals, snacks, drinking lots of water, tea, ginger ale. Nothing seems to help. I don't think any bands or pops will work either at this point. I just keep telling myself "keep your eyes on the prize".

I have another u/s this Friday. The doctor said it's not necessary but she said she'll set the appt nonetheless for my peace of mind. And yes, she did confirm the hb is normal and all looks good. So far. She said it's normal, but I'm still nervous. To me, it's on the low side of normal.

I had to vent. I really don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch when afterall, I know what it took to get here and what I would give up for a safe 7-8 more months of this journey. I will go thru m/s for 8 months if I have to. I'm gonna go throw up now. Sorry.

1st u/s

2010-03-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

To keep it short and sweet (and I've gotta run here in a minute for that family dinner)....

6w6d
126 bpm
.92 crl

I am trying my bestest to stay positive. I don't know that that rate is the strongest, but I also know the baby's heart just started beating and he/she's working hard to beat faster each day while his/her heart muscles form. I'm going to give my baby the benefit of the doubt and encourage it to just beat away. 126 - I've heard/seen higher in others but I'm not disappointed. I love it no matter what.

Have a great weekend!!!

no pain no gain

2010-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

I guess I didn't even know it but m/s has hit me. I think I was expecting complete and utter misery where my face is stuffed in the toilet half of the day, but I think it's the constant queasiness and feeling like I'm gonna hurl that equates to m/s. I didn't even know it. And last night was the worst. I actually did throw up and couldn't go to sleep until 1:30 am because of the nausea. The Hubs asked if we should go to ER. I looked at him and said "the nurses and doctors would laugh at us!". And I'm slow the get up in the mornings from the nausea. And throughout the day, I find myself with my head in my hands and sneer at coworkers eating lunch around me. I'm not complaining. I am taking all of it in because I asked for this, remember? But yes, I'm petrified that it's molar. The m/s is not extreme. It was last night but I wasn't throwing up the entire dinner. I'm hoping it doesn't get worse because extreme nausea is a sign of possible molar + my questionably high hcg.

The doctor called again yesterday just to check up on me. She also wanted to tell me the result of my urine test. She said I have a slight bladder infection. Ugh. She said the level's actually considered normal but would like to see it lower when I'm pregnant. So I'm supposed to take these antibiotics...but....I haven't taken one yet since I picked them up. I'm sure she wouldn't have prescribed me something harmful during pregnancy and I doubt the fact this patient of hers is pregnant slipped her mind, but I'm scared to take anything! So I'm planning to wait it out just until this Friday's u/s result. I need that peace of mind to know he/she is growing inside me perfectly fine before I intake anything foreign. I also asked the doctor when she called me yesterday about my high hcg. She said there's nothing to worry about and high is good. I wanted to kindly ask, "yes, but can you guarantee it isn't a molar pregnancy?" then realized she'll probably drop me as her patient and I'll be looking for another doctor who is willing to treat this neurotic preggo.

On another note, my boss knows I'm pregnant. I missed a couple days of work last week due to doctor appointments and my fear of coming to work and m/c (yes, it's happened before during work so...work scares me in more than one way). She figured it out. So I appreciate her calling me over to her office everyday to chat about how I'm doing. It's not necessary, but I appreciate her care. What I don't appreciate is her coming over to my cubicle where there are a dozen people around me to ask "So how are you feeling today hon?", "Take some crackers!", "When's your next doctor's appt?". Uhm.......HELLO! Why don't you just announce it on the loud speaker that your associate is pregnant and feeling like shit! I answer very short and nonchalantly hoping she'll get the hint and hoping people around think it's nothing. But C'MON! I guess it's my fault for allowing her to figure it out. She's marked her calendar 4/12/2010 - the end of my 1st trimester - the day she wants to announce to my team. I told her I prefer to wait until like week 16 or so and she just brushed it off like I'm worrying too much. I'm reallly close to asking my doctor to put me on bedrest starting like next week. This place (work) makes me sicker than I already am. I have a manager who acts more invested and involved, unnecessarily, in my pregnancy than my own mother or MIL.

2 more days. My next post WILL be the best news...it will.

where's my peace?

2010-03-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

I have not thrown up....yet. But doesn't mean there weren't times when I wanted to. I feel like throwing up but don't or can't. I can't stand certain smells and even sights. The sight of trail mix, yes TRAIL MIX, on my desk is grossing me out right now. Nothing sounds appetizing and even the mere thought of greasy food makes me sick. The only thing that does sound somewhat good are sandwiches. I know I can't have deli meat but I couldn't resist a sandwich with bacon and a little bit of turkey for lunch today.

On Saturday, I wanted meat. I felt as if I can eat a whole cow. And I think I may have come close when we went out for Korean BBQ for dinner that night. Yesterday, I wanted anything refreshing, tangy and sweet/sour. I am so confused. One minute I want to just barf at the thought of anything and next minute I am so hungry I eat anything in the fridge.

The Hubs told my in-laws. The last 2 times, we held the info from them until I m/c'd and they weren't too happy about that. They're the most caring and kind people so I know they hurt to know we suffered that alone. So this time, The Hubs wanted to tell them after my 2nd beta. I've reminded them several times since, that it's still very very early. We met them last night for dinner and MIL asked me what I've been craving lately. I told her sour/tangy things and she said "That means it's a girl!". She went on to say anything sweet and sour means a girl and meat means a boy. Then we told her...uhm...I've been craving meat, too. You know where that led to. Maybe both a girl and a boy. Trust me, I would love to get it all over with at once, but I really want 1 healthy one. MIL then asked if I've had any significant dreams lately. I did have a dream right before I found out I was pregnant. In my dream, there was a big, and I mean giant, white lamb with the biggest eyes and lashes and so pure and pretty. I was scared though because it was so big! It was a lamb the size of a horse! I did not see 2 lambs....just 1. So I don't think it means twins.

I'm scared sh%tless because now both parents know. And The Hubs and I've been talking more about the baby and our future more than ever, like it's real. Like it's really going to happen. I'm sure it will...but....I can't help but think of "but". I still don't think m/s has hit me full throttle yet. I don't feel much cramps now. I wish there were more tell tale signs ans symptoms. My bb's are just extremely sore and I'm tired. And last week, I was so much calmer than these last couple of days. I think talking about it with the in-laws have freaked me out a little and making me second guess again.

We have dinner plans with my parents and family this Friday. The u/s is just a couple of hours before the dinner, so I would just hate to show up to dinner (or not show up at all) bearing bad news. I need to calm my nerves back down. I need to find peace again. Talking about it has made this all too real and I'm freaking out now. I wish m/s would just hit me already so I can have stronger conviction. Nausea here and there just isn't doing it for me! Although...I'm scared of extreme nausea because that is a symptom of molar. And with my hcg being so high, I'm most scared of that right now. I'm just a walking contradiction and can't make up my mind of what I want.

final beta

2010-02-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

I think if they collected all the blood I had to give these past 16 months, I could've saved a country. Yesterday's blood drawl felt endless!

The doctor called today in the afternoon with news that made the endless blood drawl worthwhile.

hcg = 24,500
progesterone = 38.2

Numbers are right where they should be compared to last week's, doubling on track. And progesterone - we couldn't be happier!

1st u/s is set for next Friday in the afternoon. I could've set it for sooner but I want to buy as much time as I can. I'm dying to see what is inside of me right now but also want to make sure I'm far along enough to see the hb. I will be 6 weeks 5 days next Friday but I have a feeling I might be a couple days more since hcg's so high. Or there's more than 1 little pea in me, but I doubt it since I'm not feeling the full blown symptoms. Will I be happy with twins? Absolutely. Does it run in the family and skip a generation? On both sides of my mom and dad. However, I really truly will be happy with just 1 healthy baby that I can give undivided, unshared, untiring love and time to. One at a time.

My hcg is high but I'm not going to worry and think the worst. That won't change the outcome. Self-torment is unnecessary right now and I just want to trust God and his plan.

I'm hungry. Constantly. But every food that pops in my head makes me sick. The hubs and I just returned from dinner and I wanted to eat everything off the menu but when our food came out, every chew made me sick. I brought most of it back and hopefully can eat it later because I AM STILL HUNGRY! I really don't think m/s has hit me yet. Very mild and definitely not unbearable. But trust me, when it does come, I will be uncomfortable but it will be welcomed with open arms.

Have a fabulous weekend!

gasp! me? an optimist?

2010-02-24T23:03:00.000-08:00

Can't explain it. But I just feel good about this. With my last pregnancy/mc, I felt the constant nerves, like I was on eggshells 24/7, just feeling...something wasn't right. Maybe when you've gone through this process a couple of times before, you just become more "comfortable" with it? For all I know - this can end tragically again, but I just feel...at ease this time around. I am optimistic. No eggshells.

I'm about 5 1/2 weeks today. Tomorrow is my 3rd and final beta draw before the 1st u/s next week. As for symptoms...maybe I'm still too early? I'm just not obsessing about it as much this time around. Because, I just have a good feeling about it symptoms or no symptoms. Sore, bigger ta-ta's and mild cramps. That's just about it. I do find myself falling asleep on the couch watching TV but I'm not thaaat exhausted where I'm knocked out as soon as I sit. I do feel very mild queasiness during the day. It comes in waves - like every 30 seconds. They last about 10 seconds but not like I want to vomit. I just feel a wee bit gross for a very short period of time but not terrible. And then it goes away and comes back again like 30 seconds later. Is that normal? I've just been shrugging them off as signs of hunger. Oh and hunger! I eat and eat and eat and cannot get full. After 1 huge meal, I turn around and am hungry again!

The biggest difference this time is how at peace I am. I'm not analyzing symptoms and non-symptoms and twisting them around negatively. I'm not consumed by bad feelings. My gut just tells me and puts me at ease. I'm laughing a lot more, I'm stressing out less, I'm not ticked off I have 7 days to count before next beta or u/s. And I couldn't be more grateful for this feeling. Because even if history does repeast itself again this time around, I'm so grateful that God has put me at ease and allowed me to enjoy the ride than tortore myself. Because whether I lose sleep and obsess vs. laughing and enjoying these waiting days, what will happen will happen. Hopefully, only better news to come....

2nd beta

2010-02-19T14:47:00.000-08:00

hcg = 3800 (don't remember exactly what the nurse said but i heard "thirty eight hundred..." and that right there just did it for me and was enough...)
progesterone = 25.2

She said they're "excellent" numbers, more than doubled and she is happy to see the progesterone level going up like that.

Now, should I be worried these numbers are too high?

I'm only 19 DPO. Well, I'm just being me - finding things to worry about, so I'm just gonna go into the weekend feeling good about those numbers!

i'm selfish...so what!

2010-02-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

Can you blame me if I'm the most selfish person on earth right now? I choose not to think and care about anything else but me and what is growing in me right now. Is that so wrong?

I know the cardinal rule of not announcing your pregnancy until your 2nd trimester. In fact, for me - I almost want to annuonce it on the date of delivery because I don't know if I'll ever fully 100% be relaxed and relieved and feel out of the woods until then. But I had to break the rule. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot lie. I do not know how to make up a believable story.

My east coast trip next month was planned with my sister, mom and aunt. We were all going to visit Philly/NYC. Plane/train tickets, hotel, itinerary - were all booked and planned. So when my doctor suggested I cancel my trip - what do you think the first thing I thought was? Well, okay the first thing I thought was "Okay, I agree...anything to keep this baby". But the second thing was "what the hell am I gonna tell my sister/mom/aunt?" My sister knows we've been TTC. But she also knows we kind of took a step back and was going to TTC through a specialist after the trip so like me, she did not think I was pregnant this cycle. The only way I could back out of the trip without hurting anyone's feelings, pissing anyone off, or opening up a can of worms was to just be honest. So I made the call to my sister as soon as I got home from the doctor's office.

Me: Hey...so before anything...don't get mad and I'm really sorry.
Her: Uh...what happened?
Me: I can't go to Philly because...I'm pregnant. (I didn't sound enthusiastic although I was jumping for joy inside - just said it matter of factly because I did'nt want to her to think I didn't care about this trip.)
Her: Oh....well...ok.
Me: (??? What the hell? Is that her way of being happy for me?)
Her: That's great. Congratulations. Sigh. (I swear to you - there was a sigh in there and if not, definite disappointment more than glee)
Me: Of course, I'll still pay you for my plane/hotel portion.

That afternoon - all hell broke loose. I was hurt. So hurt that my own sister was more concerned about the trip being ruined than my health. She said she didn't want to go anymore and that mom and aunt will probably not want to go anymore either. Which basically meant thousands of dollars down the drain because the tickets were non-refundable and transferrable. The hotel was booked using her credit card points and she kept saying how much those points were and how she'll never get them back. She was pulling a guilt trip on me. I just Did.Not.Care. I felt responsible for my cancellation and portion of the trip, but it was HER decision not to go for herself so I felt it was unfair for her to blame me for her loss. I may not go on the trip - it didn't mean she didn't have to. That was HER choice. At the end of the day - I just went off at her and told her that I WILL be selfish and unapologetic about this and anyone in my shoes would do the same. And bottom line was - I didn't care about wasting $600 (I would spend1000x of that for this cause) - I was more hurt and disappointed about my sister's reaction.

Of course, my mom found out. She could not be happier and more concerned for me. She didn't give a rat's you-know-what about this trip and any dollars or points. She wanted me to not be upset anymore, think happy thoughts, stop crying, and just take care of myself. Now - why couldn't my sister be half of what my mom was that afternoon?

So today I throw $600 down the drain and I don't feel that I have nothing to show for it. I have everything to show for it! It will all be worth it.

My sister, mom, and aunt will be making the trip afterall. I just didn't understand why my sister would think the trip is canceled just because I'm not going. But that's how she thinks and I'm not gonna get into that. To be completely honest - I would've felt guilty if everything got canceled, so I'm happy to see they'll still make the trip. Should I have felt and come across apologetic and responsible when I canceled on my sister and begged for mercy? Any other time, yes. But not now. I am going to be selfish for the next few months. I deserve it. I need it.

Now - can I trust my mother to not tell the rest of her world? Not so sure...but I am not going to sit here and worry breaking a sweat about that. I don't want to tell anyone else until maybe week 34, but that's me. What anyone else does - I cannot control.

On another note - I went in for my 2nd beta this morning. I did end up calling my doctor yesterday to push it up to this morning vs. waiting until Monday. So now I'm waiting anxiously for a call from my doctor with the numbers. I thought the 2WW was agonizing. This is worse.

As for symptoms - only sore, wide (that's what The Hubs called them last night) bb's with occasional light, pulling cramps. No food cravings/aversions...yet. Please Lord - bring me pain.

I hope all you ladies enjoy the weekend!!! I hope to share good news next week and even better news in the following weeks. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your heartfelt words and support. It means so much more than you know. You're much more supportive than my own sister. Ha! :)

expect the unexpected

2010-02-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

I don’t expect be a millionaire. Because apparently, when you don’t expect something, it comes to you.

After my last cycle and another arrival of AF, we stopped TTC. I stopped blogging, I stopped researching, I stopped temping, I stopped everything. I even stopped taking prenatals. I know. How awful. But I did. I just wanted to move on with my life. I hated how TTC took over my life that I stopped…living. I went out with friends and drank cold beer, ate sushi (not the artificial crab crap but real, raw Albacore and Yellowtail)…twice, and get this….I finally booked my tickets to Philly to visit my cousin and train tickets to NYC for a week long trip in March for my 30th birthday. And you think that’s jaw dropping? For Valentines Day, The Hubs and I went to Vegas. I did POAS, just in case, the night we left for Vegas. Negative. 5 days before expected AF, but still…negative. We sat at blackjack tables next to gasp – smokers! It was disgusting but that’s what Vegas is and no way was I pregnant or actively TTC so, eh – I was fine.

Before our Valentines Vegas trip, I went to my OB/GYN for the first time since my D&C last April. The Hubs and I decided to get help. We wanted to see a specialist for tests and possible IUI/IVF treatments. My doctor gave me good advice and a referral and right away, my appt to see Dr. D was made for well..whadayaknow...today. I thought, we’ll take this Vegas trip and my east coast trip in March and start TTC again with some help.

Lo and behold….

I woke up Tuesday morning at 4:20am with the biggest headache and chills. It’s 80 degrees here during the day now and at worst 50 degrees at night/dusk, and I was bundled up so to be this cold – I didn’t understand. I shivered and The Hubs got extra blanket out for me. I thought I was dying. I fell back asleep thinking “OMG, I cannot call in sick at work after a 3 day weekend! That’s the worst!” I woke up late at 8:00 but there isn’t an exact time I need to be in the office by. Any time between 7:30-9:00 is fine so I felt late but technically wasn’t. I dragged myself out of bed, no longer cold or shivering, but nauseous with the weirdest feeling. I had a few more of those cheap tests left. I decided to POAS. Two lines. Not faint. Very distinct. No flippin’ way! I immediately emailed my manager and told her I wasn’t coming in. And then I realized…wait, why am I not going in? I’m preggo, doesn’t mean I can’t work? Or does it? My brain was racing 300 mph. All I thought was, I have to see the doctor to be 100% sure so forget work for now. I even thought, do I need to go back to bed and just lie there for 10 months? It was 8:30. Doctor’s office doesn’t open for another half hour. With my eye boogers and disheveled hair and sweats, I drove to the pharmacy across the street to buy the “unnecessarily 10x more expensive yet for some reason I will trust more” HPT’s. I quickly came back home and tested again. Twice. Both positive. I didn’t cry, because I knew…this is just the beginning…again.

So now, I sit and wonder…the days I skipped prenatals, the 2 sushi & beer outings, the cocktails in Vegas, the cigarette smoke, the Venti Starbucks on the drive to Vegas…uuhhh…what the hell was I thinking? And I remember…I was just living my life. If this time is the one, then God has planned it that way. If it is not, He’s planned that, too. Not in my control.

Doctor did call yesterday to confirm preganancy and my hcg&progesterone levels. HCG = 716; P= 16. She said it's still very early. I'm exactly 4 weeks 2 days since my last AF so I know I'm not that far along. To even post this blog, I'm nervous because I know this is all way too soon to even say "I'm pregnant". I know I am...but I just can't bring myself to believe it. Doctor has already prescribed progesterone suppositories. She says 16 is normal but would still like to see it higher. My next blood draw is not until Monday. I'm thinking about calling to push it up to tomorrow so I can go into the weekend with a little less anxiety. Although - that's not possible either way. As for symptoms - oh where did the nausea go all of a sudden??? I no longer have it. My bbs are a little bigger and sore but not unbearable.

So - expect the unexpected! I feel very positive though. :)

the next steps...

2010-01-18T01:31:00.000-08:00

AF once again landed today. What makes this AF different from all other AF's before is what I know now about my cycles. Info is empowering yet so so so evil. They weren't kidding when they said "Ignorance is bliss".

Here is what I know (or what I think I know):
* I ovulate late. 19th day.
* My luteal phase is on the cusp of what's considered to be abnormal. 12 days.
* My period's never irregular. I never ever miss, never early or late...always 30-32 days.
* CM is weak. At least it was this past cycle. Some months I just want to put a diaper on all day because of so much CM, but this past cycle...just 1 day of it. Noticed during only 1 restroom visit. One!

So....knowing all this, my question is...am I suffering luteal phase defect and didn't even know it? The 2nd time I was pregnant, my doctor had me on progesterone suppositories before I m/c'd because it was so low. Could this have been because of LPD? I should throw that on the above list too...low progesterone. Is 12 days of luteal phase considered short?

I'm inching closer to making that call to the doctor to take the next steps she recommends. However, there's a stubborn side of me that's pulling me back wanting another shot at it this cycle before we seek medical help. I bought primrose oil at Target today. I don't know if my CM (or lack thereof) is the problem so I'm gonna start taking them. I'm also thinking about buying vitamin B6 supplements tomorrow to help with a possible LPD. I know these supplements are not harmful, but there is a part of me that's worried about taking new foreign pills. I'm self-diagnosing myself these days and I don't know if that's safe. I know I should just go to the doctor but I keep thinking, this cycle's it. I know more now. It's the CM. It's the short LP days. I know these things that I didn't know before so let ME try to fix things w/over the counter supplements. It's worth a try, no?

Am I just being stupid? As excited (and worried) as I am to try new things this cycle, I wish I never knew about them. See...I told you...Info is empowering yet evil. Wish me luck. And yes, just tell me if I'm being stupid, because really, I want to know if none of these things will work and what I really need is professional help. But you know, I also know doctors and hospitals get paid to tell and give me things I could've easily found out myself. I just want to do everything within my power first.

wicks end...

2010-01-11T11:47:00.001-08:00

I’m at wicks end. I have been a complete mess these last few days. I’m borderline depressed. Maybe I’ve crossed the line and don’t even know it. I could not feel any less pregnant than I have been. I know it’s only 7 DPO today, but I don’t have any symptoms. Zero. No CM, no stretching pain, no implantation signs, no fatigue, no nausea, no sore BBs, no nothing. I cried in the Hubs’ arms last night and fell asleep. We decided to stop trying after this cycle and just let it happen when it wants to. I know that will be harder than even trying itself since I can’t just erase all the TTC info my brain’s been stuffed with these past 6+ months. But slowly I’m gonna let it go. I’ll stop temping, using OPK, checking dates, fertlityfriend’ing….little by little I’m gonna let it go. Apparently I get pregnant when I least expect it like the 2 previous times. The minute I started “trying”, I have failed. Slowly I’ll accept that I may not and will not get pregnant by my 30th Birthday and That’s OK! I put a timeline on everything which only crushes me that much more when something is not accomplished according to this stupid timeline of mine. I’ll slowly throw that one out of my life too. Slowly. I cried to the Hubs that I’m not sad that I’m not pregnant. It’s the person I’ve become because of IF that I’m most angry and sad about. I will still be happy w/out a baby in our lives right now. I’m just falling apart from all of these TTC steps I’ve become accustomed to that drive me crazy rather than help me. It really is an evil cycle. TTC is evil. It’s created a monster out of me. I used to not even know when fertile days were, what the hell OPK was, what signs/symptoms were, what CM was – all of this info overload’s just made me into a depressed woman who just feels more and more like a failure with every other add’l info I consume. I’m tired of comparing signs, Googling TTC tips, walking out of restroom stall disappointed of no CM, second guessing my temp, taking escalator instead of stairs when it ends up there is nothing living inside of me….all of it is just so tiring.

So the Hubs will be planning a getaway for us at the end of this month. I have allowed TTC take over my life but I need to take the control back and hand it over the One ultimately in charge. I need to remind myself of how weak and small I am and how great and powerful God is. I have lost track of this which led me to a dark place. The Hubs reminded me last night – lets only worry about what we can control.

I probably will get AF in about a week. After that, we will take our mini vacation and I will remember to leave a few things behind on our vacation and come back home a different person.

CD21

2010-01-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have been lazy lately. Called in sick two days in a row already. I go through this every year, the first week of the new year. I just hate going to work. I don't know if it's the tiredness from the holidays or because I'm just really out of it this time of the year. I intend to return to work tomorrow full of energy and get in the zone.

Today is CD21. According to fertilityfriend, ovulation has not been detected yet but I've been inconsistent in when I temp (because I've been sleeping in) so the chart may not be that reliable. However, the good news is that I did get a positive OPK on CD18 after 3 days of negative and EWCM around CD17~19, so I'm guessing I ovulated either CD19 or CD20. The Hubs and I have been busy, but I know firsthand that the quantity of BD is not the key. It's a matter of how fast the sperm makes it to the egg and that they get along very well.

I have had burning(?) twinges every now and then so I'm guessing those were ovulations signs.

So here it comes...the 2WW. I'm not going to think or stress too much. Like I said before, my happiness will not be measured by having a baby. I am happy today as is and I know one day God will bless us when He thinks is the right time.

new years resolution...

2009-12-30T15:22:00.000-08:00

I’m bloated. I hate being bloated. Especially at work. I can’t relieve it by passing gas as if I was home so this is torture. By the time I make it to the restroom, it’s not as dire of a situation as it was at my desk so it becomes a pointless trip to the restroom. WTF! I don’t know if it’s an ovulation symptom but I have been very bloated lately.

Today is CD 14. I tested with an OPK strip last night and saw an obvious line but it is not dark enough to be considered positive. I do not see any CM discharge either. So I’m beginning to think I may not ovulate this month. I know…so much for thinking positive. I have been temping myself every morning also but I was deathly sick over Christmas weekend so my numbers have been out of wack. Okay, maybe not deathly sick but I slept through Christmas dinner at the in-laws, which raised some eyebrows as you can already guess. I was sick so my temperatures may not be reliable to measure O either.

So I will cuss the world out if I do not ovulate this cycle and AF once again arrives in a couple of weeks.

This will probably be my last post of 2009. It is a year I want to start over again. I regret waiting 6 months after our last m/c to TTC again. I didn’t think conceiving would be a problem. Oh how naive I was! Now it seems I started the year having just 1 problem of miscarrying but now ending the year with 2 problems of conceiving and miscarrying.

That time of the year once again has rolled around. Time to make New Years Resolution. I thought about “Be more positive”…and yea, that’s too hard and out of my control most of the time. Worrying is in my blood. Then “Stop TTC and just go with the flow”…and yea, that’s not possible either because once you start TTC, you can’t just not TTC unless you have amnesia. And then I thought…wait…All of my ideas for resolutions revolved around TTC/pregnancy. So I figured it out. My New Years Resolution is…. to have our baby. Period. That is my 2010 goal. Simply – to have our baby.

grown-up Christmas wish...

2009-12-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Working on Christmas Eve…I want to say “can anything be worse?” but I think I do know something that can be worse than this so I won’t even go there. (I will work on every.single.Christmas.Eve for the rest of my career if I can just hold my own baby soon.)

This year, Christmas is pretty quiet. Both sisters are out of town so we won’t be doing much with my family. My parents live 2 hours away so we’re still trying to figure out whether we’ll visit them tomorrow. We have to be back home by afternoon for dinner at the in-laws so I don’t know if timing will work out. So I’m a little sad…that Christmas this year will be just w/The Hubs family.

To be completely honest, this time of the year is a little bit melancholic for me. I celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy all the things Christmas means, but it is also the time of the year I remember saying goodbye to my dad who passed away 5 (wow 5 already!) years ago on New Years Eve. There isn’t a day I do not think about him and miss him. I’ve missed him more through my m/c’s…thinking why he doesn’t ask God a favor on my behalf. I want a son that looks like him. I wonder how different my life would now be if he was still with us. I wonder what he would’ve said and done to make his youngest daughter feel better through these heartbreaking times. And I know he would have. I lost my father to cancer.

I can go on and on about how much we should appreciate our family especially our aging parents everyday, not taking a single second for granted because I know first hand how short life is. I won’t go on and on because I think we all here know how short life is. It can be as short as 6 weeks. I miss a father who lived 60 years and babies that lived 6 weeks. The sudden turns life takes, you’re never prepared for. I don’t know what these next 2 months let alone tomorrow holds in store for me. I will never be prepared for another BFP, u/s, m/c, loss…no matter how many times I’ve experienced it, I will never be prepared. As much as I want something, I am scared sh!tless to have it. Because I’m scared of losing it. 2 things I hate – cancer and m/c. Both should just disappear from this earth.

The Hubs and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. I’m really not one of those wives that expect something special on Anniversaries and Birthdays. Maybe I’m too cynical but I’d like to think it’s more pragmatism than cynicism. I’m a romantic…I love love and romance. I just do not love the frills that embellish the simple, pure innocence of just love. So since we got married, we decided to just exchange Christmas ornaments as gifts. We can look back 20, 30, 40 years from now with all the ornaments we exchanged…with a story for each and pass them onto our children. That last part is the hardest part apparently. Still working on that. This year, we decided to add another tradition along w/exchanging ornaments. Instead of gifts, we will be donating to a charity of each other’s choice in each other’s name. It will not be much. Remember, The Hubs is back in school w/a PT job. And we live in a part of the country with one of the highest costs of living. (I really wouldn’t mind moving but that’s for another time, another post.) We struggle ourselves, battling rent, bills, oh and did I mention TTC? But we know there is so much more in this world than just us and our trials. It won’t be much but a little adds up so we will share the little that we have. I chose City of Hope. It has great meaning to me. The Hubs chose CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County). I’m still childless this Christmas, still hurting, still confused, and still broke. But I will be a little warmer this year as we log onto each others charity tonight, giving a little bit of ourselves, to a big cause…in some ways bigger than our story.

Merry Christmas!

a needed meltdown

2009-12-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the best thing to do is just take a step back and look at everything with a fresh mindset. Once you’ve muddled yourself in the midst of chaos and process, you lose yourself and purpose. It takes a step back to put everything into perspective. When I try to detangle a knot and get so caught up in trying to detangle it and that’s all that matters, the knot gets worse and worse each twist and turn I try to detangle. You stop and think WTF. I’ve created a bigger mess when it was something so much simpler to begin with! So you take a step back and gather yourself so you can be refreshed in another attempt to detangle.

That’s how I’ve been. I got so lost in this TTC process that I made it into an even bigger torture than it really is. I had a semi-meltdown this past Saturday. My SIL (The Hubs’ younger sister) came over with her BF. After a night of bingo at a local bingo hall (yes, it's actually incredibly fun and a stress reliever to spend a Saturday night with senior citizens), we discussed a possible New Years Eve party. I had to remind them I do not celebrate on NYE since it is the date of my father’s passing. I don’t sulk and cry all day on every NYE but I certainly do not want to throw a party. We usually just spend the night with family and enjoy each others company, remembering to never take each other for granted. This “party” topic came up because we ended up not having a Christmas party this year so SIL wanted to know when our next “event” would be. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled out “Oooh I know! My 3oth Birthday!”. It is SO not like me to want a Birthday party. In fact, I hate everything about Birthdays. The hype, the balloons in my cubicle, coworkers trying to sing in tune, the “what do you want for your bday?”s. So what made me suggest that out loud? I have no idea. I think I was possessed. So SIL said “Oh yea! That’ll be great!”. Then as quickly as I yelled out my nonsense, I quickly became this nutcase that couldn’t stop crying. In front of the SIL’s BF that I’ve only met twice. I remembered I’m turning 30. 30! I had so much I wanted to accomplish before 30 and a baby (or 2) was right up there. I wasn’t bawling but tears just would not shut off. It was one of those 'why am I crying?' meltdowns mixed in with laughter because I found it ridiculously and unnecessarily dramatic. SIL said all the comforting words your friends/family say to you – you’re still young, next time is it, you have accomplished so much, don’t worry, etc. I’m not one to show my emotions about my TTC/IF trials so I’m sure they all found my emotional meltdown random, odd, and uncomfortable. Wouldn't blame SIL's BF if he never wants to hang out with me again. But you know what…it felt good. It felt so good to just finally let it all out.

That night, The Hubs sat me down and asked what that was all about. I told him I’m borderline depressed. He said no you’re not. Maybe I didn’t sound serious enough? I looked at him like how do you know? He reminded me that our marriage and love is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that my happiness is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that we need to and can live our lives according to our pace, not others. He reminded me that this is not who I am. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. He reminded me that I’m drowning myself in this TTC ocean and need to keep my head above the surface to keep afloat. Otherwise, what’s the point if I won’t survive it?

I have taken a step back to look at the situation refreshed. Am I happy right now? Yes, I am. I love sleeping in on the weekends. I love not cooking. I love not cleaning. I love watching TV whenever I want. I love working OT until whenever I want. I love going to the mall w/The Hubs on a whim. I love going anywhere on a whim. I love taking care of just me and The Hubs. All of this will change when we bring a baby home. But I will love that too when that time comes, but for now, I love what we have right now. I can’t lose either way.

finally...

2009-12-17T08:28:00.001-08:00

She's here!

She's 2 days late but still made it here. Well, now that I think about it, she's actually only 1 1/2 days late because first date of my last period was 11/15 late at night like right before bed and today's came at butt crack of dawn so I'm not too upset she kept me waiting. I was just being impatient as usual. I've never been the 28-day cycle kind of a girl. Always 30 at max 32. Does this mean I ovulate late? Hmmm...

OPK will be here before my next ovulation so I'll have some help from now on. I'm somewhat relieved AF is here but not happy because afterall, I am TTC! I told the Hubs this morning AF finally came and he just gave me a pout. He's not one to talk about how much he wants to be a father so just that pout alone told me a lot. I really want this more for him than myself. I know he'll be a better father than I will be as a mother. I know he'll be the nice parent in the house that our child(ren) will turn to more, so I'm hurting to deliver a baby for the Hubs. I pray everyday 2010 will be it.

I will for once look at AF arriving as glass half full:
* She'll be gone by Christmas
* I can have a cup of coffee with the actual drug in it
* A New Castle or Modelo this weekend while watching some football sounds like heaven
* My baby has no chance of being a Leo for now. Virgo, Libra and anything else closely after that I'll take. Just soon please! Real soon! (I truly sincerly from the deepest part of my heart apologize to any Leo's reading this. Nothing against you. It's just me.)

what not to do at work...

2009-12-16T16:10:00.000-08:00

is touch your boobs. Now, I try to be as discrete as possible. Feeling it with my arm or touching my chest area or pressing inside of my arm against it etc. I wouldn't dare just cup these suckers while 12 sets of eyes are around me.

This is how crazy I've become. I'm now feeling my boobs in the most ridiculous way/shape/form. I look ridiculous.

I'm not going crazy that AF's still not here and it's 16 DPO. I'm going crazy because I just don't feel it coming as I ususally do yet also do not feel any pregnancy symptoms. It's like my body decided to go on vacation or something. My cycle's usually 30 days so I might just be late this cycle. Today, I'm just bloated which might be an AF sign, hot like I'm on fire but maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body, and have a ginormous headache but again maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body.

All I want for Christmas are some aching boobs, a pepperoni face, nausea day and night, extra lbs around the waist, and no energy by 4pm. My 2WW has turned into more like a 3WW. Should I just go buy a HPT today on my way home from work and just get this thing over with? But I just know I'm not preggo either...shouldn't I have at least ONE symptom???

where is she....?

2009-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Okay - she was supposed to make her landing today. AF's still not here yet. To make matters (worse?) more confusing, I don't have the usual cramps and aches I get right around now. I have absolutely zero pregnancy symptoms and zero AF symptoms. I am totally lost. I can't decide whether I should anticipate BFP or AF. I am terrified to take a HPT because I'm afraid it will be positive. That's right, positive. If I was feeling a teeny weeny bit of pregancy symptoms, I would be excited and optimistic but I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure again by testing, getting a faint line, which will only lead to me freaking out that I'm going through another m/c, because my boobs just are not sore period. Seriously - at this point, I'd rather AF just get her 5 day fun over with.

I'll wait 4 more days. I'm never off on my cycle. It's like clockwork. And when I am 2-3 days late, I usually feel the symptoms of it coming nonetheless. I'll wait until Friday. If AF's still not here by Friday, I'll test. Followed by hours and days of prayers and tears. This is torture. Pure torture.

**update: I did it. I purchased the cheapo tests online. They probably won't get here until next Monday-Tuesday so my patience will really be tested this weekend as I fight tooth and nail to not run off to buy a test that costs 10x what I just purchased because I just cannot bare another day of waiting. If AF isn't here by this weekend...I think we can pretty much call it that I'm preggo. Only if that was the end of the battle.

don't take me there...

2009-12-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

My employer provides a Visa debit card in the beginning of each year. There is a credit of $900 we can use to pay for any medical related expenses throughout the year. It’s just an added incentive on top of the getting-shittier-each-year insurance benefits we have. I used up the entire balance for all my co-pays on blood tests (can’t even count how many of these I did!), u/s’s, d&c, genetic testing (not for The Hubs and I but of the tissue they recovered from the d&c), anesthesia, pills, pops, pokes, drills – you get the point. When you go through a m/c – there is a shitload of medical bills. Any portion I was responsible for, this Visa came in hand.

My employer’s benefits dept recently sent me a notification of request for copies of 7 of like 685 invoices I’ve seen this year, because they wanted to verify that the Visa was used for “medical purposes” and if I cannot provide the invoices, I’ll have to cough up the $900. Oh GAAAAAAAAWWWWD! I wanted to burn the document or use it to wipe my fresh ass. Really? I mean, what could I have POSSIBLY purchased at Hoag Medical Center or Newport Radiology? Do they think I purchased oh, I don’t know…a PURSE with hospital logo on it because yea, that’s really the latest trend Jennifer Aniston’s been sporting! Not only do I not have all of these 7 invoices but I wanted to know what the hell would make the brain surgeons that work for my company think these were not medical related. So I called them to let them have a piece of me. I was livid. And now that I think about it, I wasn’t livid because they were asking me to do some leg work. I was livid because they brought me back to those days 8 months ago. They made me relive my days of beta tests, surgery, recovery….. Each call I made to hospital or laboratories to ask for copies of the invoices, I was reminded of why I needed their services in the first place. And that just sucked balls.

I hate my employer. You would THINK being as big as it is, it would have a better system down in operating such a mess, but they don’t. I found out all of my coworkers who had a surgery or a cough this past year got the same notification in the mail. It’s bad enough they work us like slaves and now this!

On another note, I'm about 10 DPO and I've never felt so non-pregnant in my life! Just wonderful, isn't it? I've decided to buy a OPK if AF shows up. I'm hoping I'll only have to use it like once.

Remember my cutting in line... post? Well, the Hubs mentioned last night that his friend J and wife V have actually been trying for 8 months now. I felt terrible. I didn't know they were trying for so long and here I was, thinking Oh great, another couple about to cut in line and get pregnant right away. It's so easy for me to quickly jump to conclusions to satisfy my imagination, but every couple has their own story and pain...I should've known better.

The rain is hitting So Cal full force now. We're on "storm watch". Amazing how some rain makes headline or breaking news around here. I love the rain so I'm going to soak it all in while I can. We've had a dry spell all year so this is nice...

white elephant...

2009-12-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

Really, is asking for some sore ping&pong and a breakout too much to ask? I’ve never wanted a zit so much in my life. At this point, I just want AF to hurry, come and get it over with.

We have a white elephant gift exchange today at work. Our team is the only team of 7 teams that is the most unenthusiastic and don’t-give-a-shit team on the floor. We are definitely the misfits. We’re always number one though…huh, go figure. So it doesn’t take everyone wearing reindeer horns and decorating your team area as if Party City and 99 cent store threw up in there to be the most productive team? Don’t get me wrong – I love this time of the year. I just don’t want to be bubbly and giddy with horns on my head when I’m hella pissed off working a file and oh I don't know... obsessing about my 2WW non-symptoms! Our team decided to stick to the true white elephant tradition of bringing in a gift from your home. With the economy in the toilet as it is, no reason to make Target richer than it already is. Whoever said consumers spending will get the economy back on track is on crack. Hello! So, our team decided lets bring something from home instead. We all know what each others’ paycheck is like. As great of an idea as it is, to be totally honest, I’m afraid knowing my luck, I’ll end up with something like a noise hair trimmer.

So last night I rummaged through every drawer and bookshelf and boxes for any useless-to-us-yet-still-usable-junk I can wrap. We moved a couple of months ago and wouldn’t you know – we threw out any and all junk during the move! I was going crazy, hence making the Hubs crazy. “Honey! FIND ME SOMETHING DAMN IT!”. I went through every book in our bookshelf asking the Hubs This one? That one? How about this book? And he suggested, “Why don’t you give Skinny Bitch Bun in the Oven?” I just about went Tiger Wood’s wife on him.

His explanation was that it was only because when he bought it for me and I read it the first time I was pregnant and m/c a few weeks after, I blamed the misfortune on this book for jinxing me. But still – I got upset that he would even think about giving away a book like that. I told him, “That’s like you cursing me not to ever get pregnant again!”. He apologized. Begged for mercy. We have lots of golf clubs lying around the house.

Wish me luck – hope I don’t end up with a nose hair trimmer!

when do i know i need help?

2009-12-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

You know how men hate to stop and ask for directions? Well, that’s why GPS was invented. When you’re lost and cannot find your way, the next step naturally is to ask for directions. But these days, I am beginning to understand why men do not stop to ask.

I know it has only been 3 cycles since we started TTC again. The first time we TTC after our first m/c, we got pregnant right away, so I did not believe our problem would be conceiving. Well, I cannot say that anymore. Since it wasn’t a problem for us before and it is now, I’m beginning to think is something wrong with us? Maybe I have a condition after 2 m/c’s that I didn’t have before? I know I’m still young (I don’t think that but people say that…Really? You think 30 is young! You had a baby when you were 26! So don’t tell me I’m still young!!!!!! I hate hearing this!), and there are women who have been trying for years so I should just stop whining. But I also see those who have been trying for years have stopped and asked for help. They were diagnosed with conditions that have guided or are guiding them in the right direction and ultimately conceived and carried succesfully. Me? I’m just lost.

When do you decide to see an RE? When do you tell yourself lets ask for help? Men can drive around for hours going in circles completely lost when they should’ve stopped and asked for help 3 hours ago! I don’t want be there. I have yet to find any story about a couple successfully conceiving on their own after m/c’s without any help. That is discouraging. I’m happy for them – but discouraging for me. It forces me to think – okay, I need to ask for help.

It is not about my pride. I’ve never been one to hesitate about asking for help because I’m determined to figure everything out on my own. I’m quite independent yet know when I’m just being stupid and need to ask for help. I thankfully was born a woman. I think it’s more about my fear of finding out that there is a medical problem. It’s my fear of the cost of treatments. It’s my fear of how taxing and draining the treatments may be emotionally and physically. Although finding the problem will put us in the right direction, I’m petrified of what that path holds. So here I am trying to find my destination on my own when I could just use a GPS to get me there perhaps faster and more efficiently. But GPS’s are so damn expensive and high maintenance. What do I do? Do I continue on my own or ask for help? When did you know you needed to ask for help? Do you regret and think you could've conceived on your own without the help?

keeping track - 7DPO

2009-12-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

This is just to keep track. I might be crazy since it's only 7DPO and it's normal to not feel any symptoms, but I'm also all about having info on hand when I need it. I want to be able to look back to see what/how I felt when I was or was not pregnant. This cycle might once again be a BFN but at least I'll know in future what BFN symptoms that never were true symptoms were like. That and I want to know if these symptoms all just in my head. What were/are some of your symptoms?

- exhaustion. I'm so tired, eyeballs are about to pop out and I just want to sleep but I can't fall asleep! It feels as if I'd knock out to la la land in less than a minute if I could just put my head down but when I do, I'm still up wide awake but so tired!
- little or non existent CM. I thought I felt/saw very little but very thin CM yesterday, but um... it may have just been my pee. My brain is telling my eyes what I "want" to see.
- slight twinges and cramps at random times of the day. Very slight. And that scares me. Anything "slight" makes me feel like this again is not a viable pregnancy if it is a pregnancy at all. I want the full deal, not "slight"!
- phlegm in the mornings. There's something stuck there every morning these past few days! I hate grossing my coworkers out so this is driving me nuts.
- absolutely no food aversions, nausea. I'm eating like a horse but then again, I'm always eating like a horse.
- BBS are normal.

I have a strong feeling I'm not pregnant.

getting ahead of myself...

2009-12-07T12:13:00.001-08:00

I’m a planner. I sometimes wish I was spontaneous and wild but I like knowing what’s ahead than surprises. I don’t even like surprise parties, gifts, trips. When the hubs says “I have surprise for you”, I’m like “uh-uh – tell me NOW!”. You would think I’m the wild child, being the youngest of 3 girls, but I’m the most cautious, apprehensive, and prepared (or at least WANTS to be prepared). I wish I can be as calm, cool, collected as my oldest sister or balls-out gutsy as my second sister, but I’m not. I’m the worry-freak that can’t sit still and has to plan everything ahead. The hubs wants to host a Christmas get-together at our place like we did last year. I told him 2 week notice to myself or guests ain’t gonna work! Forget it. We’ll crash other people’s parties. Hopefully people like us enough to invite us. But, a part of me did not want to host a party this year because a) I might be pregnant and b) I might not be. Do you know what I mean? If I am pregnant, I don’t want the stress of holding back on the martinis while others party away. :) Oh, that and having 99% of my brain worrying “Is the baby ok..am I spotting…do I still have symptoms?” while only 1% of my brain worries about the wine stain on our carpet. If I am not pregnant, I don’t want to host a party having a fake smile on my face all night. Get the drift?

Being this freakish planner that I am, whenever the Hubs or friends/sisters ask “Hey, lets to go Vegas!” or “When are you gonna come visit me in Philly?”, I would normally be on top of it, excited to plan and set the date before they even finish suggesting the idea. But lately, I can’t. I’m gray with my answers and cannot commit. I cannot finalize. And I’m all about FINALIZATION! Nothing is left up in the air for me! I cannot make any plans for 2010 because of this TTC madness! My sisters want to visit our cousin in Philadelphia in the spring. I cannot commit because I don’t know if I’ll be 5 months pregnant (or even be recovering from yet again another m/c). The Hubs wants to plan a full-blown 30th birthday party for me in March, but I’m not crazy about the idea because again, I don’t know what kind of state of mind/body I’ll be in come March. BFF is getting married in May and we need to start planning her Bachelorette party (yes, we still have some time, but again…I’m a planner.), but I cannot even commit to going to her party if it’s decided to be in Vegas. I don’t care what anyone says…a pregnant woman in Vegas is just wrong. I can harm my baby with that air I breathe in or harm my baby by turning blue holding my breath. Either way, just wrong.

All of this makes me wonder. Am I getting way ahead of myself here? Why am I worrying about something months away from now? This is just crazy. I cannot let this control me and how I live my life. I need to stop planning to plan and just go with the flow. Again, these are just thoughts that go through my head. Just thoughts, because I don’t know if I can do anything about it besides just thinking it. I cannot wake up tomorrow and decide, ok – no more thinking ahead! Just live! So much easier said than done. My life is consumed by TTC and m/c, and I am not going to do a darn thing about it! There!

I did do one thing today that shocks me. Michael Buble is coming to town in April. We’re going. I don’t care if I’m pregnant, we’re going. So tickets are on their way. No way is Michael singing (albeit full blast volume that hurts my chest) as harmful to the baby as Vegas air quality is. Oh my goodness, I’m not even pregnant and I’m worrying about next year!!!

***It's raining today. The beginning of winter here. Rain is our version of snow in so cal. I love the rain! Hoping this is the start of a good week ahead!***

can i just say...

2009-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

how much I hate work. Hate it. And it's only 8:25am. Yea yea yea, I should be grateful I have a job when 10% of the country is unemployed and would trade places with me anyday. Actually, yes I will trade places with one of you that is very fertile and do not know how to miscarry. Take my miserable job and I'll take your body. Even if you have a muffin top with short legs. I'll take it.

I am grateful. I'm grateful I get a paycheck every other week that supplies the food on our table, a roof (ceiling between upstairs neighbors and us) over our heads, and allows my husband to go back to school and work part time because he was part of the 10% unemployed for awhile. He bravely decided to stop looking for a job in an industry he hated anyway and go back to school to do something he's always had passion for - food. I however am not grateful for dealing with morons and nonsense all day. I work for a bank. A very big bank. Think of the biggest bank in America. I help (or destroy, whichever way you look at it) clients fulfill their dreams of buying a house by approving (or declining) their mortgage loans. I can make or break that dream, and thesedays there have been a lot of breaking rather than making due to as you already know, failing economy. The best part of my job is hearing how happy some of the clients get when they finally get to sign their closing loan docs and move into their home, especially first time buyers. This and free premium checking account. The worst part of my job is not hearing them bitch me out when I decline their loans. You would think it is, but it's not. I've heard it so many times that my ear now knows not carry it to the brain but out the other ear instead. Rather, the worst part of the job are the assholes that ARE going to get the loan but STILL are assholes.

Me: "Mr. Asshole, I see you're on the loan by yourself. Are you married?"
Asshole: "....y....es..."
Mr: "Will your spouse go on title with you?"
Asshole: "Oh Jesus, why? Why do you care?"
Me: (Well, I don't care but the BANK does. And I'm not Jesus!) "I just need to know if your spouse will go on title with you to draw loan docs correctly. Title will want to know how the vesting should be held."
Asshole: "I've already gone over this with everybody (Well, not me homie! And I'm kind of the most important person to be talking to if you want this loan!). YES, whatever she'll go on title!"
Me: "Okay, what is her name?"
Asshole: "Why do you need all this! What does it matter! She's not borrowing the money! It's just me!". I thought he was going to have a heart attack.
Me: Put the phone on mute and yelled "Because you're buying a fucking house!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone in the office just froze and looked at me. Steam was coming out of my ears. My manager was not happy and we had a "talk". It was a day big execs were visiting our site. BIG execs as in right below CEO BIG. I can kiss my raise in February goodbye.

This is by no means the career of my dream. I grew up wanting to be in the TV/Film industry. No, not in front of the camera. I wanted to write or produce. It was even my major in college. College doesn't mean shit. I actually was in the industry for awhile during and right after college. I hated it more. Watch Entourage? I worked at an agency where agents like Ari prance around with sticks up their ass all day. To make it in the film industry - you gotta know how to do one if not two of these things: 1) kiss ass 2) wear boom boom skirts to work 3) be shameless and ruthless. I do not do any of these. So I got a job that actually pays and didn't require the above. The perks aren't the same but I'll take a bigger paycheck and dignity over seeing a famous celebrity any day.

So what does all of this have anything to do with my TTC and IF? Stress. Hormones. Anxiety. Did I mention stress? While Mr. Asshole was asking Jesus why I was asking for things like his wife's name and his rental history, all I could think was where are my symptoms? Am I not pregnant? I hope the decaf really was decaf!

When I do get pregnant (hopefully am like NOW), would asking my doctor to put me on bedrest right away be just ridiculous and make me a wuss? Because I don't know how I'll put up with Mr. Assholes while pregnant. I might just get fired.

cutting in line

2009-12-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

One of the first things we learn as a human being is to wait your turn and no cutting in line. I waited in line anxiously for those $.25 popsicles in elementary school, occasionally yelling “hey no cuts!” when Ray Cunningham the obnoxious nose-picking bully & his buddies tried cutting in line. I even had the guts to tell the lady who obviously did not read “line forms here” at Michaels Craft Store “Oh, Ma’am, the line’s behind me”. I secretly knew the folks behind me wanted to give me high-fives all around. We police line cutters all our lives. So when friends and family started getting pregnant and even delivered all around me, I just about lost it. I was first! I couldn’t ask for a manager to complain about such injustice. I just prayed.

Let me elaborate just how crazy pregnancy water sells around here. Everyone seems to drink it. Mine just seems to be poisoned, that’s all:
I was pregnant in 10/08 & 3/209 – both m/c’d at approx 6 weeks.

My college roommate got pregnant in 11/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. I didn’t go to her shower. I’m a terrible friend.
My coworker D got pregnant 11/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer
My coworker S’s wife got pregnant 12/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. I enjoyed the shower the best that I can.
My friend and also my dentist’s sister M got pregnant in 12/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. My dentist does not know about my m/c’s…I haven’t been to the dentist in over a year now. Last time I went, I was pregnant EDD 6/18/09.
Apparently the good, unpoisened, babygirl water got passed around quite a bit last winter.
My sister’s BFF got married on 8/1/09, got pregnant on her HONEYMOON (really? I mean REALLY! Just like that!) and is now expecting in May/10. She’s much older than me. And frankly I think I’ll make cuter babies than her.

It appears there is no rule about cutting in line in the world of pregnancy. God set the no cutting rule on everything but that. The rule even applies to fighting for fresh brewed coffee in the morning at work for God’s sake. But nope! Not for pregnancy. The first come first serve rule does not apply there. I’ve been there twice and have witnessed people cutting both times…so here I am at the back of the line again!

The Hubs recently mentioned his friend J and wife V are trying. I’m mentally preparing myself for their news.

walk with me...

2009-12-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

I guess I should begin with a little bit of a background first. I got married in Oct 2007 after dating the hubs for 4 years. We always talked about having children one day but did not plan for our 1st pregnancy back in Oct 2008. It was unplanned but definitely not unwelcomed. We were not financially ready, that’s all. But we were nonetheless elated and emotionally ready. I was the girl who babysat every kid in the neighborhood growing up and told I’m a “natural” with children. So no, kids don’t scare me nor piss me off…unless they are disrespectful or hit.

We celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary in an ER due to spotting and the following week on the toilet I quickly painted scarlet red while wanting to puke. I was only about 6 weeks along. I resented God. I hated my body for being such a failure. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and never come out. I blamed myself for not being ecstatic when I first found out I was pregnant. Maybe the baby felt it? Was God punishing me for not feeling ready for this baby? It was completely unplanned so it caught me off guard and yes, I worried because we really were not financially ready…did baby feel all this? The Blame Game started. I told myself next time, we WILL plan and WILL be ready. Little did I know, God had other plans for us. Exactly 6 months later, I was pregnant again. This time, planned and not a pinch of doubt. I worried every millisecond due to my history but I did not think it can happen to me again! What are the odds that I would miscarry twice in a row – I mean how unlucky can I get! I saw a heartbeat this time and read countless number of websites and blogs that said chances of miscarriage after a hb is like 3%. Well, I had numbers going for me so although worrying, I was trying to stay positive. Well, luck and I never did get along. My OB called me during work asking me to go home and stay off my feet…she was not happy with the baby’s hb rate. It felt like a grand piano landed on top of me. I did as told, but I was not in control of what happened next. Next few U/S’s no longer showed a hb and I was scheduled for a D&C. They tested the tissue and found there was a chromosomal defect. God decided once again, he'll give us a perfect one next time.

I am not the most optimistic person in the world. I am always cautious, thinking of back up plans if this or that goes wrong, reminding myself of the worst instead of the best. I guess I always did that thinking I’ll get hurt that much less. But no matter how thick and great of a shield you build to protect you from pain, it will not pierce and hurt and scar you any less. I have learned in the last 12 months that worrying gets you nowhere and only gives you something to do. That does not mean I’ll stop worrying because c’mon, I’ve lived 29 years like this so I cannot change this neurotic side of me. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I cannot stop worrying. I can only channel those worries by writing and sharing and hopefully learning and healing in the process. I must’ve googled about a hundred times to find stories about women going through my exact situation. It is a lonely place to be in. Unless you have been there and back and perhaps there again and back – no one, not even your BFF or sister, can truly understand and share your pain with you. That is why I start this blog journey – knowing someone out there might want to know I too have been there.

We are back in the saddle again. It has been a little over 6 months since our last (and really it better be the last!) miscarriage. We have been trying since September so I am on my 3rd cycle now. I believe yesterday was my “O” day which would make today 1DPO. Absolutely zero symptoms, of course. (And yes, I've even googled "1DPO symptoms". Should I warn you now that I'm a little crazy?) Just little twinges here and there which might just be ovulation symptoms. Hubs has gotten a kick out of all the baby making lately. I’ve tried very hard to not make it feel like a “chore”. But damn it - why is it so much more enjoyable when you’re not trying! I’ve read that not enjoying it might be a reason for not getting pregnant. I know – I shouldn’t but do believe everything little damn thing I read online! I am not charting with any kits. Just pure instincts, dates, and signs my body gives me. I can try those kits but knowing me, it’s just another thing to obsess about and will consume my life. We have not seen any RE specialists. In fact, I have not even been back to see my OB since follow ups from D&C back in May. I am hoping I’ll have a reason to be back in her office soon. I have suggested to the hubs that we should talk to my doctor about seeing a RE specialist. He suggested we go at it the old-fashioned way for now, and we’ll cross that bridge in a couple of months if I do not get pregnant by then. I agreed. Because I am scared. I’m scared to officially be labeled “infertile”, although yes, I technically am already…but I’m afraid to have a specialist who went to way many more years of school than me in a white coat tell me this. I know I'm in denial...but as scared as I am, I'm also determined to cross that bridge is we have to. Will we ever have to cross that bridge? I don’t know. I guess you’ll find out soon enough if you take this walk with me…

God bless you if you’ve made it this far! Whew!