i heart him....

I've gained 20 lbs and I'm only 20 weeks. But you know what? As of yesterday, I actually feel 60lbs lighter!!! We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday and I cannot even put into words how relieved and happy I am with the results and after seeing the little peanut move and kick around in there. Seriously. HUGE lift off my shoulder. I can finally soak this whole pregnancy thing in. There really is a healthy, living being inside me!

He is perfect. The technician checked for about 15 minutes and then the doctor checked for a good 1/2 hour and confirmed everything looks good. He is measuring about 13 oz, which I thought was big for 20 weeks but the tech said is within the normal range. He was definitely camera shy, lying on his stomach, making it a little difficult for good angles and looks, occasionally covering his face with his hands, but they still managed to get everything checked. His heart, brain, spinal cord, kidney, bladder - everything was working and looked as they should, the doctor said. He did not see anything that raised any big or small flags. I went in expecting the worst, if not, some kind of news that's not horrible but will still freak me out and put me on eggshells for the next few weeks. But it couldn't have gone better and he couldn't have looked more perfect. Oh and yes, my 1st and 2nd Tri blood scans both came back normal, so yesterday's scan was just what we were waiting for.

The Hubs and I have finally announced it to everyone. There were still some friends who did not know so it was a huge step for us (for me at least) to let our entire world know. There's no going back now! I'm very private and don't like to share (emotionally and with food - haha) so it was a little uncomfortable (?) and awkward getting all the well wishes and congrats, but I've come to accept this and what's to come. He won't be in my belly forever. We'll need to share him when he's born, too!

So, what I thought would never come....we will be registering this weekend and planning our shower. I don't know if it's too early but it looks like my shower will be sooner than the norm - at 28 weeks. I wanted it to be a little later, but my favorite cousin (more like a younger sister) will only be in town until the first week of August and I refuse to have this shower without her presence. I know...what a brat, but I just have to have her there! And it looks like it'll be a co-ed shower, since The Hubs and I share so many close friends who are couples and I'd love them all there. I guess it's safe for me to start a checklist from this point on. I don't want to hold myself back anymore. I fully believe this now and know God never fails. I may, but God doesn't. So checking off my list soon are picking up nursery items from our family friend, registering, and shower guest list.

What we also need to start looking into soon is a new home. Our 1 bdrm apt just isn't gonna cut it come next year. Our lease is up in February, so timing wise, it's perfect. We're looking to rent a 2 bdrm apt or a condo, but staying within budget in OC is pretty much impossible, so I'll have to pray God provides once again.

On another note, my sister's neighbor gave birth to a healthy baby girl over the wknd. She had gained a total of 15 lbs the entire pregnancy. And guess what. My sister said she's already back to her pre-prego body. WHAT? I've gained 20 in 1/2 that time! Sigh....did I mention....during my last appt w/my doctor last week, the doctor recommended I go buy a scale. Yes. No lying. She did. And she said to eat less. hahaha. I'm trying! But I've never had self control to begin with so being pregnant and asking for self-control is c'mon! Not sure it's gonna happen! I'll just take it as it comes. I'm not stuffing my face but cannot hold back on soft serves and pizza when I want it so bad! My sister's neighbor went swimming almost everyday during her pregnancy (which yes, is possible in So. Cal). I'm making a beeline to the pool this weekend.

progress report...

i am 17w5d of today. although, I'm a little confused on how far along i am because during my 14 week u/s (which was done on 14w1d), the tech said the 'lil one was measuring at 14w4d. so does this change my due date? Am I actually 18w2d today? i forgot to ask my doctor the last time i saw her. i really need to start making a list of questions. because as soon as I sit there waiting for her in that quiet white room full of baby photos and birth announcements, my mind goes blank. my next appt to see her is june 3. must remember, must remember...

my next u/s is the big anatomy scan u/s - set for tues june 8. i technically could have made the appt for today but they didn't have an opening. i technically can go in next week but i have training all week at work and cannot miss even 1 hour of it. i techically can go the following week, 1st week of june, but the training continues through wednesday and they don't have an opening for any appt on thursday or friday. SO....i am stuck. my big u/s will be done on the 20th week. pregnancy is really testing the very little patience that i do have. the hubs is getting a kick out of seeing me actually not having control of something. after my 20 week u/s, i think i will believe this is really happening.

here is the progress report as of today:
*i have yet to feel the baby move. i think i felt what felt like nerves and butterflies earlier this week but i don't know if it's just all in my head.
*there was some blood in my stool the other day. but i'm not constipated. i go pretty regularly and i'm not miserable. hmmm...is this normal? the blood thing?
*the hubs and my sisters have already started talking about babymoon and shower but i can't even think that far ahead. it freaks me out. what if we book a vacation and something goes wrong? what if we set the shower date and something goes wrong? again, after june 8th, i will actually go out and buy something "baby". maybe the justin bieber record.

*i've been feeling round ligament pain. it's not for long. i could literally feel my stomach stretch.

*i drank cherry coke & ate some (little) salami yesterday. i should hang myself. what is wrong with me!!
*i keep asking the hubs, do i look pregnant? no, for reals...if you just saw me & didn't know me. just be honest. i give him props for not hanging himself first.
*i want the next 2 weeks to fly by but have decided after halfway through the pregnancy, i hope the rest of the 20 weeks or so goes by t...h.......i..............s slow. i know i know, i won't be wishing that for long, but i wish this because i realized these next 5 months are the very last 5 months i get to have with the hubs alone. we won't ever get these days back. ever. i will (hopefully) experience another pregnancy eventually, but we will never be a team of two again. i want to savor every last bit of it.
*i started slathering on bella b tummy butter morning and night. no sign of stretch mark but don't want to risk it.
*i've been sleeping very well, although forcing myself to sleep on my left has been difficult. but as soon as my head hits the pillow, i'm out.
*no breakouts, which i expected would be my biggest issue. haven't had any issue with this since day 1. so to my surprise, my skin looks better than before pregnancy.
*my bff's wedding is next weekend so i'll be busy this weekend helping her. the hubs has offered to drive me up to her place which is 2 hours away. i heart him.

i hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

it's my big fat mouth...

You can't tell anyone anything these days. I think I must've been in la la land when I thought people around me would use discretion and not have such loose lips about my pregnancy. But - in the end, it all comes back to me because I should've known better and not opened my big fat mouth until I was like oh....32 weeks.

I told my mother around week 8 pleading with her not to tell anyone. Well, I clearly remember her announcing it to our entire family that week, and not so dicretely, I mean "announcing" announcing, not just dropping hints. The Hubs told my MIL around week 10 pleading with her not to tell anyone. I do want to add, I did not want him to tell her period until, again, week 32, but he insisted if my mother got to find out, his mother should, too. I can list 100 reasons why that arguement is just absurd but I didn't want to stress myself out and besides, he just couldn't hide the glee anymore and had to tell someone. So it was his mother. My MIL I thought was so trustworthy. I love my mother, but unlike my mother, MIL filters what she says and has more self control. Well...I don't think there are any secrets between daughters and mothers, because she told her mother. Next thing I knew, the his entire side of the family knew. Uncles, aunts, cousins. I would get FB messages congratulating me! Delete. Delete. Delete. So both sides of the family found out before my first trimester was over but I was not and still not ready for the rest of my world to find out. Well...there's just no hiding things anymore. Friday before Mother's Day, my coworker J passed out Mother's Day candy baskets w/balloons to every mother on the floor. I did not expect to get one at all...oh, because, I don't know...NO ONE IN THE OFFICE SHOULD KNOW! Lo and behold, she stops by my cubicle handing me a basket "Oooh, I'm not gonna forget you, you mama-to-be!", saying it loud enough for everyone around me to stop and look and start congratulating. I smiled and pretended I wasn't bothered but first thing I thought was "How in the hell does J know???". I wasn't even gonna waste my time investigating. By then, I realized I should just tell my neighbor's dog all my secrets and I'll be safe.

Now, I'm not trying to be a preggo snob. I know this issue is so not an issue in the grand scheme of things, but here I am on week 16 and still nervous, worried, one foot out the door, guarded and reserved about my pregnancy. I still cannot fully grasp it, so how can I enjoy all the congratulations and hugs when I feel pushed into it? I don't want to come across as an ungrateful or unhappy preggo but to be completely honest, I'm enjoying this pregnancy only 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time, I'm just a nervous wreck waiting, knowing I'm doomed again. And I'm so tired of hearing "You need to stay positive". That might work for someone who bought a lottery ticket. Doesn't work so well on someone who's trying to carry a baby to full term after 2 losses.

The one saving grace is my doppler. I use it every Wednesday and Sunday. Each week, the hb's easier to find and more distinct. My growing belly calms me, too. It assures me he's still in there and growing, stretching my body each day. My family and coworkers know but our friends are still in the dark. But at this point, I think even that might not be true seeing how word travels around me. I've given The Hubs the green light to announce it to our friends after my 2nd Trimester blood screening this Friday. I'm thinking I won't get the results until next week, so next week, The Hubs will feel 100 lbs lighter since he just can't hold it in any longer. Why is it that I'm the only one holding back? I wish I can be as light-hearted and optimistic as he is.

Here are some things I look forward to in the 2nd trimester...
~ finally believing in this 100%. No more IF's but WHEN's.
~ passing all tests and scans
~ registering for baby gifts
~ buying my very first baby item
~ mini-babymoon
~ not hiding my growing belly
~ shopping for nursery items
~ stretch marks, leg cramps, back aches, 10 extra lbs, mood swings - yes, in my shoes, you will welcome these things and then some
~ 3rd trimester

14 weeks and counting...

At this point, every day is a milestone for me. 14. FOURTEEN! That's just...such a blessing. The 'lil one has been cooking inside me for over 3 months now! Hard to believe. I know how blessed we are so I take each day as a milestone and blessing.

So here's a recap of the last few weeks...I've been so lazy about blogging so this is a good way for me to fill you in :)

* I did indeed change my mind and did the u/s at 14 weeks (this past Monday).
* I did not expect the u/s tech to know the gender. Figured that'll be done next month. Well, lo and behold...drumroll...she said she was 90% sure it's a boy. She pointed out what she thinks is the wee wee.
* The Hubs could hardly contain himself. Believe me, I'm elated! But I was kindda hoping for a girl because I just do not know how boys are. I come from a familly of all girls. What do boys do? I only know barbies and tutu's, pink and purple. And I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'm scared when my son hits puberty, he'll start rebelling, intimidating me and scare his own mom to death. I know it's all about how I raise him but puberty is not something we can detour away from.
* I've gained 10 lbs already. I've ready normal is 5 lbs after 1st trimester. I do not want to be a fat preggo and the Hubs slaps me around (not literally!) whenever I start whining about this. What it took for us to get here, I'll gain 75 lbs if I have to.
* M/S is completely gone
* I bought a home doppler. It has saved me from some gray hairs and wrinkles. Definitely a stress reliever! But I've been good about using it only 2~3 times a week.
* I keep wondering if I should be showing more. My belly seems to be growing VERY slowly but there are moments where I am shocked and wonder - WOW when did it get this big? But I still wonder if it should be bigger for 14~15 weeks?
* I haven't made the "official" announcement to friends and coworkers yet. I think relatives all know now through our not-so-discrete parents and siblings. My manager keeps pressuring me to tell everyone at work. I just want to punch her sometimes.
* I had to bail out on a Bachelorette Party for my BFF which is next weekend in Santa Barbara. She didn't take it very well. Which really hurt me. I feel terrible for not going...but I really thought she'd understand whole heartedly. I'm still so cautious about this pregnancy to the point where I can't even really tell my whole world about it yet, let alone go on wine tasting tours and bar hopping for a Bachelorette party. It just seems...not right and I'm worried something will happen 180 miles away from home. I'm a terrible friend but I'd rather be a terrible friend than a terrible mom.
*We've decided I will return to work after our baby's here. It was a hard decision but the smarter decision looking at our long term goal. This will help us save enough to purchase our first house in 2~3 years. We're sacraficing our 1st born for our future growing family. It looks like we'll have to put him in an infant daycare. I dread that day already.
* I'm not constipated which I expected during pregnancy. Not that I'm complaining but when I don't experience what is the "norm", I begin to worry. I need to stop this bad habit.
* I passed on doing the NT scan. We will only be doing the blood screenings. I didn't want to add 1 more thing to my worry bag. Besides, regardless of the result, it doesn't change the end. We would've had this baby no matter what so why put ourselves through that.
* I'm already counting down the days until my maternity leave.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

what's going on in there buddy?

That's a question I ask everyday. One day, people who are much smarter than me will invent technology where pregnant moms can peek inside her womb at home and see the lil one is just chillin' doing fine.

I have been a terrible blogger and haven't updated in weeks, but I have been reading the ladies I follow. Just so we stay even on being nosey (cuz God knows I am!), here's what's been hapenning to me, I mean us, so far:

- 1st trimester officially ended yesterday
- doesn't make me feel completely out of the woods yet and I'm still worrying, freaking out, etc.
- we haven't made the announcement to friends yet. however the hubs couldn't contain and has told a few of his closest friends.
- my last dr appt was 4/1 and heard the baby's hb with a doppler. i have been freaking out since wondering if i should buy a doppler myself because I just don't know what's going on in there!
- i have started showing. when i'm naked or wearing something tight. none of which i do in public so no one outside of my house would know just by looking at me.
- i have gained 7 lbs already. i could do a whole entry on this subject alone. i feel fatter by the minute and starting to worry a little. so maybe people DO notice I'm pregnant when I'm out in public. i'm eating pizza as I write this btw.
- should i buy a doppler?
- dr. gave me the option of doing the next u/s 14 weeks or 18 weeks. i chose the latter. i don't know what the hell i was thinking...i want to change this w/the dr tomorrow.
- my 1st trimester screening blood test was done 4/1 and i have yet to get a call with the results. does it take this long? freak out reason #89.
- i co-hosted a bridal shower yesterday and lifted a few heavy things. crap!
- i'm not as nauseated these days. only when i'm really hungry. i'm not complaining but this gives me another reason to worry. nausea = good sign.
- i have been driving with an expired license for a month now.
- the lakers need to get their s*** together!
- and why the hell are people so forgiving of tiger?

So that's what's been going on with me. I just wish I could see what's going on inside me!

the big three oh

I had a roller coaster of emotions yesterday morning as I exited my 20's, fearing the next number after 29, anticipating the afternoon's u/s, while celebrating (or mourning) it all by being nauseous at my desk. My coworkers knew how much I dreaded this day and didn't hide what they knew by putting up black balloons around my desk. (I've told you before about my office's obsession with balloons...just ridiculous). Yes, a little morbid if you ask me but nonetheless, they weren't completely wrong. I didn't want to be such a grump and think "black" all day though because I didn't want that to set up what will come in the afternoon in the u/s room. I felt like those black balloons were bad omens or something so that made me even more nauseous. And the night before, for the first night in many many nights, I did not suffer the usual nausea. It may have been the 2 plates of pasta I had for dinner and I've read starch is the way to cure nausea. But still, it freaked me out. I thought, oh crap, for sure this is not a good sign.

God gave me the best birthday gift ever. The baby measured exactly 7w6d with 163 hb. I cried tears of joy for the first time during an u/s. There were other types of tears before, but not joy. It had grown so much! I could literally see the difference within a week! I saw what looked like arms! The u/s tech was so sweet (can you believe it - the 2 techs who've seen me so far remember me from last year and what those u/s' were like so they were extra happy for me this time) and explained every little detail I was seeing. That moment, with my legs spread apart in a dark room with a cold wand stuck in my v, I was in pure heaven.

This is the farthest I've come in any pregnancies so I am thankful in so many way. I know I'm still not out of the woods but God has given me a chance at a differenct experience this time around. What lies ahead is unknown but what I felt yesterday and today, cannot be taken away.

On a side note, I'm constipated. I eat and eat but nothing has come out for 4 days now. I want to either throw up or just have 1 good #2 session damn it!

keep your eyes on the prize

I am sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. I have been bitten by m/s like you won't even believe. I just want to open my stomach up! If I can't even handle m/s...how will I ever handle labor? I don't know...I don't even want to think about it right now. I am so sick of being sick.

I wake up sick and drag myself to work and sit there but I'm really not all that there. The nausea doesn't go away. at. all. The worst is at night. Right around 10:45pm, I am either dry heaving, hurling dinner into the toilet, or crying in bed because I cannot stand it.

How do I cure this? The Hubs keep saying it'll all go away in a month or so and THAT does not make me feel any better. I have barely survived a week so a MONTH? Don't remind me! I've tried eating small meals, snacks, drinking lots of water, tea, ginger ale. Nothing seems to help. I don't think any bands or pops will work either at this point. I just keep telling myself "keep your eyes on the prize".

I have another u/s this Friday. The doctor said it's not necessary but she said she'll set the appt nonetheless for my peace of mind. And yes, she did confirm the hb is normal and all looks good. So far. She said it's normal, but I'm still nervous. To me, it's on the low side of normal.

I had to vent. I really don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch when afterall, I know what it took to get here and what I would give up for a safe 7-8 more months of this journey. I will go thru m/s for 8 months if I have to. I'm gonna go throw up now. Sorry.