progress report...

i am 17w5d of today. although, I'm a little confused on how far along i am because during my 14 week u/s (which was done on 14w1d), the tech said the 'lil one was measuring at 14w4d. so does this change my due date? Am I actually 18w2d today? i forgot to ask my doctor the last time i saw her. i really need to start making a list of questions. because as soon as I sit there waiting for her in that quiet white room full of baby photos and birth announcements, my mind goes blank. my next appt to see her is june 3. must remember, must remember...

my next u/s is the big anatomy scan u/s - set for tues june 8. i technically could have made the appt for today but they didn't have an opening. i technically can go in next week but i have training all week at work and cannot miss even 1 hour of it. i techically can go the following week, 1st week of june, but the training continues through wednesday and they don't have an opening for any appt on thursday or friday. SO....i am stuck. my big u/s will be done on the 20th week. pregnancy is really testing the very little patience that i do have. the hubs is getting a kick out of seeing me actually not having control of something. after my 20 week u/s, i think i will believe this is really happening.

here is the progress report as of today:
*i have yet to feel the baby move. i think i felt what felt like nerves and butterflies earlier this week but i don't know if it's just all in my head.
*there was some blood in my stool the other day. but i'm not constipated. i go pretty regularly and i'm not miserable. hmmm...is this normal? the blood thing?
*the hubs and my sisters have already started talking about babymoon and shower but i can't even think that far ahead. it freaks me out. what if we book a vacation and something goes wrong? what if we set the shower date and something goes wrong? again, after june 8th, i will actually go out and buy something "baby". maybe the justin bieber record.

*i've been feeling round ligament pain. it's not for long. i could literally feel my stomach stretch.

*i drank cherry coke & ate some (little) salami yesterday. i should hang myself. what is wrong with me!!
*i keep asking the hubs, do i look pregnant? no, for reals...if you just saw me & didn't know me. just be honest. i give him props for not hanging himself first.
*i want the next 2 weeks to fly by but have decided after halfway through the pregnancy, i hope the rest of the 20 weeks or so goes by t...h.......i..............s slow. i know i know, i won't be wishing that for long, but i wish this because i realized these next 5 months are the very last 5 months i get to have with the hubs alone. we won't ever get these days back. ever. i will (hopefully) experience another pregnancy eventually, but we will never be a team of two again. i want to savor every last bit of it.
*i started slathering on bella b tummy butter morning and night. no sign of stretch mark but don't want to risk it.
*i've been sleeping very well, although forcing myself to sleep on my left has been difficult. but as soon as my head hits the pillow, i'm out.
*no breakouts, which i expected would be my biggest issue. haven't had any issue with this since day 1. so to my surprise, my skin looks better than before pregnancy.
*my bff's wedding is next weekend so i'll be busy this weekend helping her. the hubs has offered to drive me up to her place which is 2 hours away. i heart him.

i hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

it's my big fat mouth...

You can't tell anyone anything these days. I think I must've been in la la land when I thought people around me would use discretion and not have such loose lips about my pregnancy. But - in the end, it all comes back to me because I should've known better and not opened my big fat mouth until I was like oh....32 weeks.

I told my mother around week 8 pleading with her not to tell anyone. Well, I clearly remember her announcing it to our entire family that week, and not so dicretely, I mean "announcing" announcing, not just dropping hints. The Hubs told my MIL around week 10 pleading with her not to tell anyone. I do want to add, I did not want him to tell her period until, again, week 32, but he insisted if my mother got to find out, his mother should, too. I can list 100 reasons why that arguement is just absurd but I didn't want to stress myself out and besides, he just couldn't hide the glee anymore and had to tell someone. So it was his mother. My MIL I thought was so trustworthy. I love my mother, but unlike my mother, MIL filters what she says and has more self control. Well...I don't think there are any secrets between daughters and mothers, because she told her mother. Next thing I knew, the his entire side of the family knew. Uncles, aunts, cousins. I would get FB messages congratulating me! Delete. Delete. Delete. So both sides of the family found out before my first trimester was over but I was not and still not ready for the rest of my world to find out. Well...there's just no hiding things anymore. Friday before Mother's Day, my coworker J passed out Mother's Day candy baskets w/balloons to every mother on the floor. I did not expect to get one at all...oh, because, I don't know...NO ONE IN THE OFFICE SHOULD KNOW! Lo and behold, she stops by my cubicle handing me a basket "Oooh, I'm not gonna forget you, you mama-to-be!", saying it loud enough for everyone around me to stop and look and start congratulating. I smiled and pretended I wasn't bothered but first thing I thought was "How in the hell does J know???". I wasn't even gonna waste my time investigating. By then, I realized I should just tell my neighbor's dog all my secrets and I'll be safe.

Now, I'm not trying to be a preggo snob. I know this issue is so not an issue in the grand scheme of things, but here I am on week 16 and still nervous, worried, one foot out the door, guarded and reserved about my pregnancy. I still cannot fully grasp it, so how can I enjoy all the congratulations and hugs when I feel pushed into it? I don't want to come across as an ungrateful or unhappy preggo but to be completely honest, I'm enjoying this pregnancy only 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time, I'm just a nervous wreck waiting, knowing I'm doomed again. And I'm so tired of hearing "You need to stay positive". That might work for someone who bought a lottery ticket. Doesn't work so well on someone who's trying to carry a baby to full term after 2 losses.

The one saving grace is my doppler. I use it every Wednesday and Sunday. Each week, the hb's easier to find and more distinct. My growing belly calms me, too. It assures me he's still in there and growing, stretching my body each day. My family and coworkers know but our friends are still in the dark. But at this point, I think even that might not be true seeing how word travels around me. I've given The Hubs the green light to announce it to our friends after my 2nd Trimester blood screening this Friday. I'm thinking I won't get the results until next week, so next week, The Hubs will feel 100 lbs lighter since he just can't hold it in any longer. Why is it that I'm the only one holding back? I wish I can be as light-hearted and optimistic as he is.

Here are some things I look forward to in the 2nd trimester...
~ finally believing in this 100%. No more IF's but WHEN's.
~ passing all tests and scans
~ registering for baby gifts
~ buying my very first baby item
~ mini-babymoon
~ not hiding my growing belly
~ shopping for nursery items
~ stretch marks, leg cramps, back aches, 10 extra lbs, mood swings - yes, in my shoes, you will welcome these things and then some
~ 3rd trimester