the next steps...

AF once again landed today. What makes this AF different from all other AF's before is what I know now about my cycles. Info is empowering yet so so so evil. They weren't kidding when they said "Ignorance is bliss".

Here is what I know (or what I think I know):
* I ovulate late. 19th day.
* My luteal phase is on the cusp of what's considered to be abnormal. 12 days.
* My period's never irregular. I never ever miss, never early or late...always 30-32 days.
* CM is weak. At least it was this past cycle. Some months I just want to put a diaper on all day because of so much CM, but this past cycle...just 1 day of it. Noticed during only 1 restroom visit. One!

So....knowing all this, my question is...am I suffering luteal phase defect and didn't even know it? The 2nd time I was pregnant, my doctor had me on progesterone suppositories before I m/c'd because it was so low. Could this have been because of LPD? I should throw that on the above list too...low progesterone. Is 12 days of luteal phase considered short?

I'm inching closer to making that call to the doctor to take the next steps she recommends. However, there's a stubborn side of me that's pulling me back wanting another shot at it this cycle before we seek medical help. I bought primrose oil at Target today. I don't know if my CM (or lack thereof) is the problem so I'm gonna start taking them. I'm also thinking about buying vitamin B6 supplements tomorrow to help with a possible LPD. I know these supplements are not harmful, but there is a part of me that's worried about taking new foreign pills. I'm self-diagnosing myself these days and I don't know if that's safe. I know I should just go to the doctor but I keep thinking, this cycle's it. I know more now. It's the CM. It's the short LP days. I know these things that I didn't know before so let ME try to fix things w/over the counter supplements. It's worth a try, no?

Am I just being stupid? As excited (and worried) as I am to try new things this cycle, I wish I never knew about them. See...I told you...Info is empowering yet evil. Wish me luck. And yes, just tell me if I'm being stupid, because really, I want to know if none of these things will work and what I really need is professional help. But you know, I also know doctors and hospitals get paid to tell and give me things I could've easily found out myself. I just want to do everything within my power first.

wicks end...

I’m at wicks end. I have been a complete mess these last few days. I’m borderline depressed. Maybe I’ve crossed the line and don’t even know it. I could not feel any less pregnant than I have been. I know it’s only 7 DPO today, but I don’t have any symptoms. Zero. No CM, no stretching pain, no implantation signs, no fatigue, no nausea, no sore BBs, no nothing. I cried in the Hubs’ arms last night and fell asleep. We decided to stop trying after this cycle and just let it happen when it wants to. I know that will be harder than even trying itself since I can’t just erase all the TTC info my brain’s been stuffed with these past 6+ months. But slowly I’m gonna let it go. I’ll stop temping, using OPK, checking dates, fertlityfriend’ing….little by little I’m gonna let it go. Apparently I get pregnant when I least expect it like the 2 previous times. The minute I started “trying”, I have failed. Slowly I’ll accept that I may not and will not get pregnant by my 30th Birthday and That’s OK! I put a timeline on everything which only crushes me that much more when something is not accomplished according to this stupid timeline of mine. I’ll slowly throw that one out of my life too. Slowly. I cried to the Hubs that I’m not sad that I’m not pregnant. It’s the person I’ve become because of IF that I’m most angry and sad about. I will still be happy w/out a baby in our lives right now. I’m just falling apart from all of these TTC steps I’ve become accustomed to that drive me crazy rather than help me. It really is an evil cycle. TTC is evil. It’s created a monster out of me. I used to not even know when fertile days were, what the hell OPK was, what signs/symptoms were, what CM was – all of this info overload’s just made me into a depressed woman who just feels more and more like a failure with every other add’l info I consume. I’m tired of comparing signs, Googling TTC tips, walking out of restroom stall disappointed of no CM, second guessing my temp, taking escalator instead of stairs when it ends up there is nothing living inside of me….all of it is just so tiring.

So the Hubs will be planning a getaway for us at the end of this month. I have allowed TTC take over my life but I need to take the control back and hand it over the One ultimately in charge. I need to remind myself of how weak and small I am and how great and powerful God is. I have lost track of this which led me to a dark place. The Hubs reminded me last night – lets only worry about what we can control.

I probably will get AF in about a week. After that, we will take our mini vacation and I will remember to leave a few things behind on our vacation and come back home a different person.

CD21

I have been lazy lately. Called in sick two days in a row already. I go through this every year, the first week of the new year. I just hate going to work. I don't know if it's the tiredness from the holidays or because I'm just really out of it this time of the year. I intend to return to work tomorrow full of energy and get in the zone.

Today is CD21. According to fertilityfriend, ovulation has not been detected yet but I've been inconsistent in when I temp (because I've been sleeping in) so the chart may not be that reliable. However, the good news is that I did get a positive OPK on CD18 after 3 days of negative and EWCM around CD17~19, so I'm guessing I ovulated either CD19 or CD20. The Hubs and I have been busy, but I know firsthand that the quantity of BD is not the key. It's a matter of how fast the sperm makes it to the egg and that they get along very well.

I have had burning(?) twinges every now and then so I'm guessing those were ovulations signs.

So here it comes...the 2WW. I'm not going to think or stress too much. Like I said before, my happiness will not be measured by having a baby. I am happy today as is and I know one day God will bless us when He thinks is the right time.