I’m at wicks end. I have been a complete mess these last few days. I’m borderline depressed. Maybe I’ve crossed the line and don’t even know it. I could not feel any less pregnant than I have been. I know it’s only 7 DPO today, but I don’t have any symptoms. Zero. No CM, no stretching pain, no implantation signs, no fatigue, no nausea, no sore BBs, no nothing. I cried in the Hubs’ arms last night and fell asleep. We decided to stop trying after this cycle and just let it happen when it wants to. I know that will be harder than even trying itself since I can’t just erase all the TTC info my brain’s been stuffed with these past 6+ months. But slowly I’m gonna let it go. I’ll stop temping, using OPK, checking dates, fertlityfriend’ing….little by little I’m gonna let it go. Apparently I get pregnant when I least expect it like the 2 previous times. The minute I started “trying”, I have failed. Slowly I’ll accept that I may not and will not get pregnant by my 30th Birthday and That’s OK! I put a timeline on everything which only crushes me that much more when something is not accomplished according to this stupid timeline of mine. I’ll slowly throw that one out of my life too. Slowly. I cried to the Hubs that I’m not sad that I’m not pregnant. It’s the person I’ve become because of IF that I’m most angry and sad about. I will still be happy w/out a baby in our lives right now. I’m just falling apart from all of these TTC steps I’ve become accustomed to that drive me crazy rather than help me. It really is an evil cycle. TTC is evil. It’s created a monster out of me. I used to not even know when fertile days were, what the hell OPK was, what signs/symptoms were, what CM was – all of this info overload’s just made me into a depressed woman who just feels more and more like a failure with every other add’l info I consume. I’m tired of comparing signs, Googling TTC tips, walking out of restroom stall disappointed of no CM, second guessing my temp, taking escalator instead of stairs when it ends up there is nothing living inside of me….all of it is just so tiring.
So the Hubs will be planning a getaway for us at the end of this month. I have allowed TTC take over my life but I need to take the control back and hand it over the One ultimately in charge. I need to remind myself of how weak and small I am and how great and powerful God is. I have lost track of this which led me to a dark place. The Hubs reminded me last night – lets only worry about what we can control.
I probably will get AF in about a week. After that, we will take our mini vacation and I will remember to leave a few things behind on our vacation and come back home a different person.
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sorry to hear you're bummed out at the moment. I feel like I could have penned this entry myself as I've definitely felt that way before too -all I can offer is that we will all still be here when you're ready to come out of the 'funk' and that no matter how sucky this road is, somehow, we always pick ourselves back up and try again. So take all the time you need, enjoy a mini getaway with your hubby :) I too could definitely use a vaca!
ReplyDeleteYou've really identified what I've had a hard time understanding. It's not really pregnancy or a child (or lack thereof) in itself that I get so depressed about. I like sleeping in and focusing on the dogs and DH. I like being able to travel at a moment's notice and I like that we're saving money in the meantime. There are plenty of good things to be enjoyed kid-free. What gets to me is the constant monstrous, obsessive, frustrated persona that I want to shed. At the depths of my despair I remember wishing that - if I really can't have kids, can't someone just tell me, point blank so I won't have to put myself through this any longer? Before I entered IF land I thought of infertility as black and white. You either have babies right away, or you turn out not to be able to have them, you find this out right away, and you move on to a new plan. But that's not even close. Infertility isn't black or white. It's torture. And it does change you. I like your plan, but I know how hard it will be. You really have to be ready to let go. You sound ready and I'm glad you're getting away, that will certainly help set you off on the right foot. Though I am still holding out hope for this cycle.
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