i'm selfish...so what!

Can you blame me if I'm the most selfish person on earth right now? I choose not to think and care about anything else but me and what is growing in me right now. Is that so wrong?

I know the cardinal rule of not announcing your pregnancy until your 2nd trimester. In fact, for me - I almost want to annuonce it on the date of delivery because I don't know if I'll ever fully 100% be relaxed and relieved and feel out of the woods until then. But I had to break the rule. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot lie. I do not know how to make up a believable story.

My east coast trip next month was planned with my sister, mom and aunt. We were all going to visit Philly/NYC. Plane/train tickets, hotel, itinerary - were all booked and planned. So when my doctor suggested I cancel my trip - what do you think the first thing I thought was? Well, okay the first thing I thought was "Okay, I agree...anything to keep this baby". But the second thing was "what the hell am I gonna tell my sister/mom/aunt?" My sister knows we've been TTC. But she also knows we kind of took a step back and was going to TTC through a specialist after the trip so like me, she did not think I was pregnant this cycle. The only way I could back out of the trip without hurting anyone's feelings, pissing anyone off, or opening up a can of worms was to just be honest. So I made the call to my sister as soon as I got home from the doctor's office.

Me: Hey...so before anything...don't get mad and I'm really sorry.
Her: Uh...what happened?
Me: I can't go to Philly because...I'm pregnant. (I didn't sound enthusiastic although I was jumping for joy inside - just said it matter of factly because I did'nt want to her to think I didn't care about this trip.)
Her: Oh....well...ok.
Me: (??? What the hell? Is that her way of being happy for me?)
Her: That's great. Congratulations. Sigh. (I swear to you - there was a sigh in there and if not, definite disappointment more than glee)
Me: Of course, I'll still pay you for my plane/hotel portion.

That afternoon - all hell broke loose. I was hurt. So hurt that my own sister was more concerned about the trip being ruined than my health. She said she didn't want to go anymore and that mom and aunt will probably not want to go anymore either. Which basically meant thousands of dollars down the drain because the tickets were non-refundable and transferrable. The hotel was booked using her credit card points and she kept saying how much those points were and how she'll never get them back. She was pulling a guilt trip on me. I just Did.Not.Care. I felt responsible for my cancellation and portion of the trip, but it was HER decision not to go for herself so I felt it was unfair for her to blame me for her loss. I may not go on the trip - it didn't mean she didn't have to. That was HER choice. At the end of the day - I just went off at her and told her that I WILL be selfish and unapologetic about this and anyone in my shoes would do the same. And bottom line was - I didn't care about wasting $600 (I would spend1000x of that for this cause) - I was more hurt and disappointed about my sister's reaction.

Of course, my mom found out. She could not be happier and more concerned for me. She didn't give a rat's you-know-what about this trip and any dollars or points. She wanted me to not be upset anymore, think happy thoughts, stop crying, and just take care of myself. Now - why couldn't my sister be half of what my mom was that afternoon?

So today I throw $600 down the drain and I don't feel that I have nothing to show for it. I have everything to show for it! It will all be worth it.

My sister, mom, and aunt will be making the trip afterall. I just didn't understand why my sister would think the trip is canceled just because I'm not going. But that's how she thinks and I'm not gonna get into that. To be completely honest - I would've felt guilty if everything got canceled, so I'm happy to see they'll still make the trip. Should I have felt and come across apologetic and responsible when I canceled on my sister and begged for mercy? Any other time, yes. But not now. I am going to be selfish for the next few months. I deserve it. I need it.

Now - can I trust my mother to not tell the rest of her world? Not so sure...but I am not going to sit here and worry breaking a sweat about that. I don't want to tell anyone else until maybe week 34, but that's me. What anyone else does - I cannot control.

On another note - I went in for my 2nd beta this morning. I did end up calling my doctor yesterday to push it up to this morning vs. waiting until Monday. So now I'm waiting anxiously for a call from my doctor with the numbers. I thought the 2WW was agonizing. This is worse.

As for symptoms - only sore, wide (that's what The Hubs called them last night) bb's with occasional light, pulling cramps. No food cravings/aversions...yet. Please Lord - bring me pain.

I hope all you ladies enjoy the weekend!!! I hope to share good news next week and even better news in the following weeks. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your heartfelt words and support. It means so much more than you know. You're much more supportive than my own sister. Ha! :)