I had a roller coaster of emotions yesterday morning as I exited my 20's, fearing the next number after 29, anticipating the afternoon's u/s, while celebrating (or mourning) it all by being nauseous at my desk. My coworkers knew how much I dreaded this day and didn't hide what they knew by putting up black balloons around my desk. (I've told you before about my office's obsession with balloons...just ridiculous). Yes, a little morbid if you ask me but nonetheless, they weren't completely wrong. I didn't want to be such a grump and think "black" all day though because I didn't want that to set up what will come in the afternoon in the u/s room. I felt like those black balloons were bad omens or something so that made me even more nauseous. And the night before, for the first night in many many nights, I did not suffer the usual nausea. It may have been the 2 plates of pasta I had for dinner and I've read starch is the way to cure nausea. But still, it freaked me out. I thought, oh crap, for sure this is not a good sign.
God gave me the best birthday gift ever. The baby measured exactly 7w6d with 163 hb. I cried tears of joy for the first time during an u/s. There were other types of tears before, but not joy. It had grown so much! I could literally see the difference within a week! I saw what looked like arms! The u/s tech was so sweet (can you believe it - the 2 techs who've seen me so far remember me from last year and what those u/s' were like so they were extra happy for me this time) and explained every little detail I was seeing. That moment, with my legs spread apart in a dark room with a cold wand stuck in my v, I was in pure heaven.
This is the farthest I've come in any pregnancies so I am thankful in so many way. I know I'm still not out of the woods but God has given me a chance at a differenct experience this time around. What lies ahead is unknown but what I felt yesterday and today, cannot be taken away.
On a side note, I'm constipated. I eat and eat but nothing has come out for 4 days now. I want to either throw up or just have 1 good #2 session damn it!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
keep your eyes on the prize
I am sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. I have been bitten by m/s like you won't even believe. I just want to open my stomach up! If I can't even handle m/s...how will I ever handle labor? I don't know...I don't even want to think about it right now. I am so sick of being sick.
I wake up sick and drag myself to work and sit there but I'm really not all that there. The nausea doesn't go away. at. all. The worst is at night. Right around 10:45pm, I am either dry heaving, hurling dinner into the toilet, or crying in bed because I cannot stand it.
How do I cure this? The Hubs keep saying it'll all go away in a month or so and THAT does not make me feel any better. I have barely survived a week so a MONTH? Don't remind me! I've tried eating small meals, snacks, drinking lots of water, tea, ginger ale. Nothing seems to help. I don't think any bands or pops will work either at this point. I just keep telling myself "keep your eyes on the prize".
I have another u/s this Friday. The doctor said it's not necessary but she said she'll set the appt nonetheless for my peace of mind. And yes, she did confirm the hb is normal and all looks good. So far. She said it's normal, but I'm still nervous. To me, it's on the low side of normal.
I had to vent. I really don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch when afterall, I know what it took to get here and what I would give up for a safe 7-8 more months of this journey. I will go thru m/s for 8 months if I have to. I'm gonna go throw up now. Sorry.
I wake up sick and drag myself to work and sit there but I'm really not all that there. The nausea doesn't go away. at. all. The worst is at night. Right around 10:45pm, I am either dry heaving, hurling dinner into the toilet, or crying in bed because I cannot stand it.
How do I cure this? The Hubs keep saying it'll all go away in a month or so and THAT does not make me feel any better. I have barely survived a week so a MONTH? Don't remind me! I've tried eating small meals, snacks, drinking lots of water, tea, ginger ale. Nothing seems to help. I don't think any bands or pops will work either at this point. I just keep telling myself "keep your eyes on the prize".
I have another u/s this Friday. The doctor said it's not necessary but she said she'll set the appt nonetheless for my peace of mind. And yes, she did confirm the hb is normal and all looks good. So far. She said it's normal, but I'm still nervous. To me, it's on the low side of normal.
I had to vent. I really don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch when afterall, I know what it took to get here and what I would give up for a safe 7-8 more months of this journey. I will go thru m/s for 8 months if I have to. I'm gonna go throw up now. Sorry.
Friday, March 5, 2010
1st u/s
To keep it short and sweet (and I've gotta run here in a minute for that family dinner)....
6w6d
126 bpm
.92 crl
I am trying my bestest to stay positive. I don't know that that rate is the strongest, but I also know the baby's heart just started beating and he/she's working hard to beat faster each day while his/her heart muscles form. I'm going to give my baby the benefit of the doubt and encourage it to just beat away. 126 - I've heard/seen higher in others but I'm not disappointed. I love it no matter what.
Have a great weekend!!!
6w6d
126 bpm
.92 crl
I am trying my bestest to stay positive. I don't know that that rate is the strongest, but I also know the baby's heart just started beating and he/she's working hard to beat faster each day while his/her heart muscles form. I'm going to give my baby the benefit of the doubt and encourage it to just beat away. 126 - I've heard/seen higher in others but I'm not disappointed. I love it no matter what.
Have a great weekend!!!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
no pain no gain
I guess I didn't even know it but m/s has hit me. I think I was expecting complete and utter misery where my face is stuffed in the toilet half of the day, but I think it's the constant queasiness and feeling like I'm gonna hurl that equates to m/s. I didn't even know it. And last night was the worst. I actually did throw up and couldn't go to sleep until 1:30 am because of the nausea. The Hubs asked if we should go to ER. I looked at him and said "the nurses and doctors would laugh at us!". And I'm slow the get up in the mornings from the nausea. And throughout the day, I find myself with my head in my hands and sneer at coworkers eating lunch around me. I'm not complaining. I am taking all of it in because I asked for this, remember? But yes, I'm petrified that it's molar. The m/s is not extreme. It was last night but I wasn't throwing up the entire dinner. I'm hoping it doesn't get worse because extreme nausea is a sign of possible molar + my questionably high hcg.
The doctor called again yesterday just to check up on me. She also wanted to tell me the result of my urine test. She said I have a slight bladder infection. Ugh. She said the level's actually considered normal but would like to see it lower when I'm pregnant. So I'm supposed to take these antibiotics...but....I haven't taken one yet since I picked them up. I'm sure she wouldn't have prescribed me something harmful during pregnancy and I doubt the fact this patient of hers is pregnant slipped her mind, but I'm scared to take anything! So I'm planning to wait it out just until this Friday's u/s result. I need that peace of mind to know he/she is growing inside me perfectly fine before I intake anything foreign. I also asked the doctor when she called me yesterday about my high hcg. She said there's nothing to worry about and high is good. I wanted to kindly ask, "yes, but can you guarantee it isn't a molar pregnancy?" then realized she'll probably drop me as her patient and I'll be looking for another doctor who is willing to treat this neurotic preggo.
On another note, my boss knows I'm pregnant. I missed a couple days of work last week due to doctor appointments and my fear of coming to work and m/c (yes, it's happened before during work so...work scares me in more than one way). She figured it out. So I appreciate her calling me over to her office everyday to chat about how I'm doing. It's not necessary, but I appreciate her care. What I don't appreciate is her coming over to my cubicle where there are a dozen people around me to ask "So how are you feeling today hon?", "Take some crackers!", "When's your next doctor's appt?". Uhm.......HELLO! Why don't you just announce it on the loud speaker that your associate is pregnant and feeling like shit! I answer very short and nonchalantly hoping she'll get the hint and hoping people around think it's nothing. But C'MON! I guess it's my fault for allowing her to figure it out. She's marked her calendar 4/12/2010 - the end of my 1st trimester - the day she wants to announce to my team. I told her I prefer to wait until like week 16 or so and she just brushed it off like I'm worrying too much. I'm reallly close to asking my doctor to put me on bedrest starting like next week. This place (work) makes me sicker than I already am. I have a manager who acts more invested and involved, unnecessarily, in my pregnancy than my own mother or MIL.
2 more days. My next post WILL be the best news...it will.
The doctor called again yesterday just to check up on me. She also wanted to tell me the result of my urine test. She said I have a slight bladder infection. Ugh. She said the level's actually considered normal but would like to see it lower when I'm pregnant. So I'm supposed to take these antibiotics...but....I haven't taken one yet since I picked them up. I'm sure she wouldn't have prescribed me something harmful during pregnancy and I doubt the fact this patient of hers is pregnant slipped her mind, but I'm scared to take anything! So I'm planning to wait it out just until this Friday's u/s result. I need that peace of mind to know he/she is growing inside me perfectly fine before I intake anything foreign. I also asked the doctor when she called me yesterday about my high hcg. She said there's nothing to worry about and high is good. I wanted to kindly ask, "yes, but can you guarantee it isn't a molar pregnancy?" then realized she'll probably drop me as her patient and I'll be looking for another doctor who is willing to treat this neurotic preggo.
On another note, my boss knows I'm pregnant. I missed a couple days of work last week due to doctor appointments and my fear of coming to work and m/c (yes, it's happened before during work so...work scares me in more than one way). She figured it out. So I appreciate her calling me over to her office everyday to chat about how I'm doing. It's not necessary, but I appreciate her care. What I don't appreciate is her coming over to my cubicle where there are a dozen people around me to ask "So how are you feeling today hon?", "Take some crackers!", "When's your next doctor's appt?". Uhm.......HELLO! Why don't you just announce it on the loud speaker that your associate is pregnant and feeling like shit! I answer very short and nonchalantly hoping she'll get the hint and hoping people around think it's nothing. But C'MON! I guess it's my fault for allowing her to figure it out. She's marked her calendar 4/12/2010 - the end of my 1st trimester - the day she wants to announce to my team. I told her I prefer to wait until like week 16 or so and she just brushed it off like I'm worrying too much. I'm reallly close to asking my doctor to put me on bedrest starting like next week. This place (work) makes me sicker than I already am. I have a manager who acts more invested and involved, unnecessarily, in my pregnancy than my own mother or MIL.
2 more days. My next post WILL be the best news...it will.
Monday, March 1, 2010
where's my peace?
I have not thrown up....yet. But doesn't mean there weren't times when I wanted to. I feel like throwing up but don't or can't. I can't stand certain smells and even sights. The sight of trail mix, yes TRAIL MIX, on my desk is grossing me out right now. Nothing sounds appetizing and even the mere thought of greasy food makes me sick. The only thing that does sound somewhat good are sandwiches. I know I can't have deli meat but I couldn't resist a sandwich with bacon and a little bit of turkey for lunch today.
On Saturday, I wanted meat. I felt as if I can eat a whole cow. And I think I may have come close when we went out for Korean BBQ for dinner that night. Yesterday, I wanted anything refreshing, tangy and sweet/sour. I am so confused. One minute I want to just barf at the thought of anything and next minute I am so hungry I eat anything in the fridge.
The Hubs told my in-laws. The last 2 times, we held the info from them until I m/c'd and they weren't too happy about that. They're the most caring and kind people so I know they hurt to know we suffered that alone. So this time, The Hubs wanted to tell them after my 2nd beta. I've reminded them several times since, that it's still very very early. We met them last night for dinner and MIL asked me what I've been craving lately. I told her sour/tangy things and she said "That means it's a girl!". She went on to say anything sweet and sour means a girl and meat means a boy. Then we told her...uhm...I've been craving meat, too. You know where that led to. Maybe both a girl and a boy. Trust me, I would love to get it all over with at once, but I really want 1 healthy one. MIL then asked if I've had any significant dreams lately. I did have a dream right before I found out I was pregnant. In my dream, there was a big, and I mean giant, white lamb with the biggest eyes and lashes and so pure and pretty. I was scared though because it was so big! It was a lamb the size of a horse! I did not see 2 lambs....just 1. So I don't think it means twins.
I'm scared sh%tless because now both parents know. And The Hubs and I've been talking more about the baby and our future more than ever, like it's real. Like it's really going to happen. I'm sure it will...but....I can't help but think of "but". I still don't think m/s has hit me full throttle yet. I don't feel much cramps now. I wish there were more tell tale signs ans symptoms. My bb's are just extremely sore and I'm tired. And last week, I was so much calmer than these last couple of days. I think talking about it with the in-laws have freaked me out a little and making me second guess again.
We have dinner plans with my parents and family this Friday. The u/s is just a couple of hours before the dinner, so I would just hate to show up to dinner (or not show up at all) bearing bad news. I need to calm my nerves back down. I need to find peace again. Talking about it has made this all too real and I'm freaking out now. I wish m/s would just hit me already so I can have stronger conviction. Nausea here and there just isn't doing it for me! Although...I'm scared of extreme nausea because that is a symptom of molar. And with my hcg being so high, I'm most scared of that right now. I'm just a walking contradiction and can't make up my mind of what I want.
On Saturday, I wanted meat. I felt as if I can eat a whole cow. And I think I may have come close when we went out for Korean BBQ for dinner that night. Yesterday, I wanted anything refreshing, tangy and sweet/sour. I am so confused. One minute I want to just barf at the thought of anything and next minute I am so hungry I eat anything in the fridge.
The Hubs told my in-laws. The last 2 times, we held the info from them until I m/c'd and they weren't too happy about that. They're the most caring and kind people so I know they hurt to know we suffered that alone. So this time, The Hubs wanted to tell them after my 2nd beta. I've reminded them several times since, that it's still very very early. We met them last night for dinner and MIL asked me what I've been craving lately. I told her sour/tangy things and she said "That means it's a girl!". She went on to say anything sweet and sour means a girl and meat means a boy. Then we told her...uhm...I've been craving meat, too. You know where that led to. Maybe both a girl and a boy. Trust me, I would love to get it all over with at once, but I really want 1 healthy one. MIL then asked if I've had any significant dreams lately. I did have a dream right before I found out I was pregnant. In my dream, there was a big, and I mean giant, white lamb with the biggest eyes and lashes and so pure and pretty. I was scared though because it was so big! It was a lamb the size of a horse! I did not see 2 lambs....just 1. So I don't think it means twins.
I'm scared sh%tless because now both parents know. And The Hubs and I've been talking more about the baby and our future more than ever, like it's real. Like it's really going to happen. I'm sure it will...but....I can't help but think of "but". I still don't think m/s has hit me full throttle yet. I don't feel much cramps now. I wish there were more tell tale signs ans symptoms. My bb's are just extremely sore and I'm tired. And last week, I was so much calmer than these last couple of days. I think talking about it with the in-laws have freaked me out a little and making me second guess again.
We have dinner plans with my parents and family this Friday. The u/s is just a couple of hours before the dinner, so I would just hate to show up to dinner (or not show up at all) bearing bad news. I need to calm my nerves back down. I need to find peace again. Talking about it has made this all too real and I'm freaking out now. I wish m/s would just hit me already so I can have stronger conviction. Nausea here and there just isn't doing it for me! Although...I'm scared of extreme nausea because that is a symptom of molar. And with my hcg being so high, I'm most scared of that right now. I'm just a walking contradiction and can't make up my mind of what I want.
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