gasp! me? an optimist?

Can't explain it. But I just feel good about this. With my last pregnancy/mc, I felt the constant nerves, like I was on eggshells 24/7, just feeling...something wasn't right. Maybe when you've gone through this process a couple of times before, you just become more "comfortable" with it? For all I know - this can end tragically again, but I just feel...at ease this time around. I am optimistic. No eggshells.

I'm about 5 1/2 weeks today. Tomorrow is my 3rd and final beta draw before the 1st u/s next week. As for symptoms...maybe I'm still too early? I'm just not obsessing about it as much this time around. Because, I just have a good feeling about it symptoms or no symptoms. Sore, bigger ta-ta's and mild cramps. That's just about it. I do find myself falling asleep on the couch watching TV but I'm not thaaat exhausted where I'm knocked out as soon as I sit. I do feel very mild queasiness during the day. It comes in waves - like every 30 seconds. They last about 10 seconds but not like I want to vomit. I just feel a wee bit gross for a very short period of time but not terrible. And then it goes away and comes back again like 30 seconds later. Is that normal? I've just been shrugging them off as signs of hunger. Oh and hunger! I eat and eat and eat and cannot get full. After 1 huge meal, I turn around and am hungry again!

The biggest difference this time is how at peace I am. I'm not analyzing symptoms and non-symptoms and twisting them around negatively. I'm not consumed by bad feelings. My gut just tells me and puts me at ease. I'm laughing a lot more, I'm stressing out less, I'm not ticked off I have 7 days to count before next beta or u/s. And I couldn't be more grateful for this feeling. Because even if history does repeast itself again this time around, I'm so grateful that God has put me at ease and allowed me to enjoy the ride than tortore myself. Because whether I lose sleep and obsess vs. laughing and enjoying these waiting days, what will happen will happen. Hopefully, only better news to come....

2nd beta

hcg = 3800 (don't remember exactly what the nurse said but i heard "thirty eight hundred..." and that right there just did it for me and was enough...)
progesterone = 25.2

She said they're "excellent" numbers, more than doubled and she is happy to see the progesterone level going up like that.

Now, should I be worried these numbers are too high?

I'm only 19 DPO. Well, I'm just being me - finding things to worry about, so I'm just gonna go into the weekend feeling good about those numbers!

i'm selfish...so what!

Can you blame me if I'm the most selfish person on earth right now? I choose not to think and care about anything else but me and what is growing in me right now. Is that so wrong?

I know the cardinal rule of not announcing your pregnancy until your 2nd trimester. In fact, for me - I almost want to annuonce it on the date of delivery because I don't know if I'll ever fully 100% be relaxed and relieved and feel out of the woods until then. But I had to break the rule. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot lie. I do not know how to make up a believable story.

My east coast trip next month was planned with my sister, mom and aunt. We were all going to visit Philly/NYC. Plane/train tickets, hotel, itinerary - were all booked and planned. So when my doctor suggested I cancel my trip - what do you think the first thing I thought was? Well, okay the first thing I thought was "Okay, I agree...anything to keep this baby". But the second thing was "what the hell am I gonna tell my sister/mom/aunt?" My sister knows we've been TTC. But she also knows we kind of took a step back and was going to TTC through a specialist after the trip so like me, she did not think I was pregnant this cycle. The only way I could back out of the trip without hurting anyone's feelings, pissing anyone off, or opening up a can of worms was to just be honest. So I made the call to my sister as soon as I got home from the doctor's office.

Me: Hey...so before anything...don't get mad and I'm really sorry.
Her: Uh...what happened?
Me: I can't go to Philly because...I'm pregnant. (I didn't sound enthusiastic although I was jumping for joy inside - just said it matter of factly because I did'nt want to her to think I didn't care about this trip.)
Her: Oh....well...ok.
Me: (??? What the hell? Is that her way of being happy for me?)
Her: That's great. Congratulations. Sigh. (I swear to you - there was a sigh in there and if not, definite disappointment more than glee)
Me: Of course, I'll still pay you for my plane/hotel portion.

That afternoon - all hell broke loose. I was hurt. So hurt that my own sister was more concerned about the trip being ruined than my health. She said she didn't want to go anymore and that mom and aunt will probably not want to go anymore either. Which basically meant thousands of dollars down the drain because the tickets were non-refundable and transferrable. The hotel was booked using her credit card points and she kept saying how much those points were and how she'll never get them back. She was pulling a guilt trip on me. I just Did.Not.Care. I felt responsible for my cancellation and portion of the trip, but it was HER decision not to go for herself so I felt it was unfair for her to blame me for her loss. I may not go on the trip - it didn't mean she didn't have to. That was HER choice. At the end of the day - I just went off at her and told her that I WILL be selfish and unapologetic about this and anyone in my shoes would do the same. And bottom line was - I didn't care about wasting $600 (I would spend1000x of that for this cause) - I was more hurt and disappointed about my sister's reaction.

Of course, my mom found out. She could not be happier and more concerned for me. She didn't give a rat's you-know-what about this trip and any dollars or points. She wanted me to not be upset anymore, think happy thoughts, stop crying, and just take care of myself. Now - why couldn't my sister be half of what my mom was that afternoon?

So today I throw $600 down the drain and I don't feel that I have nothing to show for it. I have everything to show for it! It will all be worth it.

My sister, mom, and aunt will be making the trip afterall. I just didn't understand why my sister would think the trip is canceled just because I'm not going. But that's how she thinks and I'm not gonna get into that. To be completely honest - I would've felt guilty if everything got canceled, so I'm happy to see they'll still make the trip. Should I have felt and come across apologetic and responsible when I canceled on my sister and begged for mercy? Any other time, yes. But not now. I am going to be selfish for the next few months. I deserve it. I need it.

Now - can I trust my mother to not tell the rest of her world? Not so sure...but I am not going to sit here and worry breaking a sweat about that. I don't want to tell anyone else until maybe week 34, but that's me. What anyone else does - I cannot control.

On another note - I went in for my 2nd beta this morning. I did end up calling my doctor yesterday to push it up to this morning vs. waiting until Monday. So now I'm waiting anxiously for a call from my doctor with the numbers. I thought the 2WW was agonizing. This is worse.

As for symptoms - only sore, wide (that's what The Hubs called them last night) bb's with occasional light, pulling cramps. No food cravings/aversions...yet. Please Lord - bring me pain.

I hope all you ladies enjoy the weekend!!! I hope to share good news next week and even better news in the following weeks. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your heartfelt words and support. It means so much more than you know. You're much more supportive than my own sister. Ha! :)

expect the unexpected

I don’t expect be a millionaire. Because apparently, when you don’t expect something, it comes to you.

After my last cycle and another arrival of AF, we stopped TTC. I stopped blogging, I stopped researching, I stopped temping, I stopped everything. I even stopped taking prenatals. I know. How awful. But I did. I just wanted to move on with my life. I hated how TTC took over my life that I stopped…living. I went out with friends and drank cold beer, ate sushi (not the artificial crab crap but real, raw Albacore and Yellowtail)…twice, and get this….I finally booked my tickets to Philly to visit my cousin and train tickets to NYC for a week long trip in March for my 30th birthday. And you think that’s jaw dropping? For Valentines Day, The Hubs and I went to Vegas. I did POAS, just in case, the night we left for Vegas. Negative. 5 days before expected AF, but still…negative. We sat at blackjack tables next to gasp – smokers! It was disgusting but that’s what Vegas is and no way was I pregnant or actively TTC so, eh – I was fine.

Before our Valentines Vegas trip, I went to my OB/GYN for the first time since my D&C last April. The Hubs and I decided to get help. We wanted to see a specialist for tests and possible IUI/IVF treatments. My doctor gave me good advice and a referral and right away, my appt to see Dr. D was made for well..whadayaknow...today. I thought, we’ll take this Vegas trip and my east coast trip in March and start TTC again with some help.

Lo and behold….

I woke up Tuesday morning at 4:20am with the biggest headache and chills. It’s 80 degrees here during the day now and at worst 50 degrees at night/dusk, and I was bundled up so to be this cold – I didn’t understand. I shivered and The Hubs got extra blanket out for me. I thought I was dying. I fell back asleep thinking “OMG, I cannot call in sick at work after a 3 day weekend! That’s the worst!” I woke up late at 8:00 but there isn’t an exact time I need to be in the office by. Any time between 7:30-9:00 is fine so I felt late but technically wasn’t. I dragged myself out of bed, no longer cold or shivering, but nauseous with the weirdest feeling. I had a few more of those cheap tests left. I decided to POAS. Two lines. Not faint. Very distinct. No flippin’ way! I immediately emailed my manager and told her I wasn’t coming in. And then I realized…wait, why am I not going in? I’m preggo, doesn’t mean I can’t work? Or does it? My brain was racing 300 mph. All I thought was, I have to see the doctor to be 100% sure so forget work for now. I even thought, do I need to go back to bed and just lie there for 10 months? It was 8:30. Doctor’s office doesn’t open for another half hour. With my eye boogers and disheveled hair and sweats, I drove to the pharmacy across the street to buy the “unnecessarily 10x more expensive yet for some reason I will trust more” HPT’s. I quickly came back home and tested again. Twice. Both positive. I didn’t cry, because I knew…this is just the beginning…again.

So now, I sit and wonder…the days I skipped prenatals, the 2 sushi & beer outings, the cocktails in Vegas, the cigarette smoke, the Venti Starbucks on the drive to Vegas…uuhhh…what the hell was I thinking? And I remember…I was just living my life. If this time is the one, then God has planned it that way. If it is not, He’s planned that, too. Not in my control.

Doctor did call yesterday to confirm preganancy and my hcg&progesterone levels. HCG = 716; P= 16. She said it's still very early. I'm exactly 4 weeks 2 days since my last AF so I know I'm not that far along. To even post this blog, I'm nervous because I know this is all way too soon to even say "I'm pregnant". I know I am...but I just can't bring myself to believe it. Doctor has already prescribed progesterone suppositories. She says 16 is normal but would still like to see it higher. My next blood draw is not until Monday. I'm thinking about calling to push it up to tomorrow so I can go into the weekend with a little less anxiety. Although - that's not possible either way. As for symptoms - oh where did the nausea go all of a sudden??? I no longer have it. My bbs are a little bigger and sore but not unbearable.

So - expect the unexpected! I feel very positive though. :)

the next steps...

AF once again landed today. What makes this AF different from all other AF's before is what I know now about my cycles. Info is empowering yet so so so evil. They weren't kidding when they said "Ignorance is bliss".

Here is what I know (or what I think I know):
* I ovulate late. 19th day.
* My luteal phase is on the cusp of what's considered to be abnormal. 12 days.
* My period's never irregular. I never ever miss, never early or late...always 30-32 days.
* CM is weak. At least it was this past cycle. Some months I just want to put a diaper on all day because of so much CM, but this past cycle...just 1 day of it. Noticed during only 1 restroom visit. One!

So....knowing all this, my question is...am I suffering luteal phase defect and didn't even know it? The 2nd time I was pregnant, my doctor had me on progesterone suppositories before I m/c'd because it was so low. Could this have been because of LPD? I should throw that on the above list too...low progesterone. Is 12 days of luteal phase considered short?

I'm inching closer to making that call to the doctor to take the next steps she recommends. However, there's a stubborn side of me that's pulling me back wanting another shot at it this cycle before we seek medical help. I bought primrose oil at Target today. I don't know if my CM (or lack thereof) is the problem so I'm gonna start taking them. I'm also thinking about buying vitamin B6 supplements tomorrow to help with a possible LPD. I know these supplements are not harmful, but there is a part of me that's worried about taking new foreign pills. I'm self-diagnosing myself these days and I don't know if that's safe. I know I should just go to the doctor but I keep thinking, this cycle's it. I know more now. It's the CM. It's the short LP days. I know these things that I didn't know before so let ME try to fix things w/over the counter supplements. It's worth a try, no?

Am I just being stupid? As excited (and worried) as I am to try new things this cycle, I wish I never knew about them. See...I told you...Info is empowering yet evil. Wish me luck. And yes, just tell me if I'm being stupid, because really, I want to know if none of these things will work and what I really need is professional help. But you know, I also know doctors and hospitals get paid to tell and give me things I could've easily found out myself. I just want to do everything within my power first.

wicks end...

I’m at wicks end. I have been a complete mess these last few days. I’m borderline depressed. Maybe I’ve crossed the line and don’t even know it. I could not feel any less pregnant than I have been. I know it’s only 7 DPO today, but I don’t have any symptoms. Zero. No CM, no stretching pain, no implantation signs, no fatigue, no nausea, no sore BBs, no nothing. I cried in the Hubs’ arms last night and fell asleep. We decided to stop trying after this cycle and just let it happen when it wants to. I know that will be harder than even trying itself since I can’t just erase all the TTC info my brain’s been stuffed with these past 6+ months. But slowly I’m gonna let it go. I’ll stop temping, using OPK, checking dates, fertlityfriend’ing….little by little I’m gonna let it go. Apparently I get pregnant when I least expect it like the 2 previous times. The minute I started “trying”, I have failed. Slowly I’ll accept that I may not and will not get pregnant by my 30th Birthday and That’s OK! I put a timeline on everything which only crushes me that much more when something is not accomplished according to this stupid timeline of mine. I’ll slowly throw that one out of my life too. Slowly. I cried to the Hubs that I’m not sad that I’m not pregnant. It’s the person I’ve become because of IF that I’m most angry and sad about. I will still be happy w/out a baby in our lives right now. I’m just falling apart from all of these TTC steps I’ve become accustomed to that drive me crazy rather than help me. It really is an evil cycle. TTC is evil. It’s created a monster out of me. I used to not even know when fertile days were, what the hell OPK was, what signs/symptoms were, what CM was – all of this info overload’s just made me into a depressed woman who just feels more and more like a failure with every other add’l info I consume. I’m tired of comparing signs, Googling TTC tips, walking out of restroom stall disappointed of no CM, second guessing my temp, taking escalator instead of stairs when it ends up there is nothing living inside of me….all of it is just so tiring.

So the Hubs will be planning a getaway for us at the end of this month. I have allowed TTC take over my life but I need to take the control back and hand it over the One ultimately in charge. I need to remind myself of how weak and small I am and how great and powerful God is. I have lost track of this which led me to a dark place. The Hubs reminded me last night – lets only worry about what we can control.

I probably will get AF in about a week. After that, we will take our mini vacation and I will remember to leave a few things behind on our vacation and come back home a different person.

CD21

I have been lazy lately. Called in sick two days in a row already. I go through this every year, the first week of the new year. I just hate going to work. I don't know if it's the tiredness from the holidays or because I'm just really out of it this time of the year. I intend to return to work tomorrow full of energy and get in the zone.

Today is CD21. According to fertilityfriend, ovulation has not been detected yet but I've been inconsistent in when I temp (because I've been sleeping in) so the chart may not be that reliable. However, the good news is that I did get a positive OPK on CD18 after 3 days of negative and EWCM around CD17~19, so I'm guessing I ovulated either CD19 or CD20. The Hubs and I have been busy, but I know firsthand that the quantity of BD is not the key. It's a matter of how fast the sperm makes it to the egg and that they get along very well.

I have had burning(?) twinges every now and then so I'm guessing those were ovulations signs.

So here it comes...the 2WW. I'm not going to think or stress too much. Like I said before, my happiness will not be measured by having a baby. I am happy today as is and I know one day God will bless us when He thinks is the right time.