I’m bloated. I hate being bloated. Especially at work. I can’t relieve it by passing gas as if I was home so this is torture. By the time I make it to the restroom, it’s not as dire of a situation as it was at my desk so it becomes a pointless trip to the restroom. WTF! I don’t know if it’s an ovulation symptom but I have been very bloated lately.
Today is CD 14. I tested with an OPK strip last night and saw an obvious line but it is not dark enough to be considered positive. I do not see any CM discharge either. So I’m beginning to think I may not ovulate this month. I know…so much for thinking positive. I have been temping myself every morning also but I was deathly sick over Christmas weekend so my numbers have been out of wack. Okay, maybe not deathly sick but I slept through Christmas dinner at the in-laws, which raised some eyebrows as you can already guess. I was sick so my temperatures may not be reliable to measure O either.
So I will cuss the world out if I do not ovulate this cycle and AF once again arrives in a couple of weeks.
This will probably be my last post of 2009. It is a year I want to start over again. I regret waiting 6 months after our last m/c to TTC again. I didn’t think conceiving would be a problem. Oh how naive I was! Now it seems I started the year having just 1 problem of miscarrying but now ending the year with 2 problems of conceiving and miscarrying.
That time of the year once again has rolled around. Time to make New Years Resolution. I thought about “Be more positive”…and yea, that’s too hard and out of my control most of the time. Worrying is in my blood. Then “Stop TTC and just go with the flow”…and yea, that’s not possible either because once you start TTC, you can’t just not TTC unless you have amnesia. And then I thought…wait…All of my ideas for resolutions revolved around TTC/pregnancy. So I figured it out. My New Years Resolution is…. to have our baby. Period. That is my 2010 goal. Simply – to have our baby.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
grown-up Christmas wish...
Working on Christmas Eve…I want to say “can anything be worse?” but I think I do know something that can be worse than this so I won’t even go there. (I will work on every.single.Christmas.Eve for the rest of my career if I can just hold my own baby soon.)
This year, Christmas is pretty quiet. Both sisters are out of town so we won’t be doing much with my family. My parents live 2 hours away so we’re still trying to figure out whether we’ll visit them tomorrow. We have to be back home by afternoon for dinner at the in-laws so I don’t know if timing will work out. So I’m a little sad…that Christmas this year will be just w/The Hubs family.
To be completely honest, this time of the year is a little bit melancholic for me. I celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy all the things Christmas means, but it is also the time of the year I remember saying goodbye to my dad who passed away 5 (wow 5 already!) years ago on New Years Eve. There isn’t a day I do not think about him and miss him. I’ve missed him more through my m/c’s…thinking why he doesn’t ask God a favor on my behalf. I want a son that looks like him. I wonder how different my life would now be if he was still with us. I wonder what he would’ve said and done to make his youngest daughter feel better through these heartbreaking times. And I know he would have. I lost my father to cancer.
I can go on and on about how much we should appreciate our family especially our aging parents everyday, not taking a single second for granted because I know first hand how short life is. I won’t go on and on because I think we all here know how short life is. It can be as short as 6 weeks. I miss a father who lived 60 years and babies that lived 6 weeks. The sudden turns life takes, you’re never prepared for. I don’t know what these next 2 months let alone tomorrow holds in store for me. I will never be prepared for another BFP, u/s, m/c, loss…no matter how many times I’ve experienced it, I will never be prepared. As much as I want something, I am scared sh!tless to have it. Because I’m scared of losing it. 2 things I hate – cancer and m/c. Both should just disappear from this earth.
The Hubs and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. I’m really not one of those wives that expect something special on Anniversaries and Birthdays. Maybe I’m too cynical but I’d like to think it’s more pragmatism than cynicism. I’m a romantic…I love love and romance. I just do not love the frills that embellish the simple, pure innocence of just love. So since we got married, we decided to just exchange Christmas ornaments as gifts. We can look back 20, 30, 40 years from now with all the ornaments we exchanged…with a story for each and pass them onto our children. That last part is the hardest part apparently. Still working on that. This year, we decided to add another tradition along w/exchanging ornaments. Instead of gifts, we will be donating to a charity of each other’s choice in each other’s name. It will not be much. Remember, The Hubs is back in school w/a PT job. And we live in a part of the country with one of the highest costs of living. (I really wouldn’t mind moving but that’s for another time, another post.) We struggle ourselves, battling rent, bills, oh and did I mention TTC? But we know there is so much more in this world than just us and our trials. It won’t be much but a little adds up so we will share the little that we have. I chose City of Hope. It has great meaning to me. The Hubs chose CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County). I’m still childless this Christmas, still hurting, still confused, and still broke. But I will be a little warmer this year as we log onto each others charity tonight, giving a little bit of ourselves, to a big cause…in some ways bigger than our story.
Merry Christmas!
This year, Christmas is pretty quiet. Both sisters are out of town so we won’t be doing much with my family. My parents live 2 hours away so we’re still trying to figure out whether we’ll visit them tomorrow. We have to be back home by afternoon for dinner at the in-laws so I don’t know if timing will work out. So I’m a little sad…that Christmas this year will be just w/The Hubs family.
To be completely honest, this time of the year is a little bit melancholic for me. I celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy all the things Christmas means, but it is also the time of the year I remember saying goodbye to my dad who passed away 5 (wow 5 already!) years ago on New Years Eve. There isn’t a day I do not think about him and miss him. I’ve missed him more through my m/c’s…thinking why he doesn’t ask God a favor on my behalf. I want a son that looks like him. I wonder how different my life would now be if he was still with us. I wonder what he would’ve said and done to make his youngest daughter feel better through these heartbreaking times. And I know he would have. I lost my father to cancer.
I can go on and on about how much we should appreciate our family especially our aging parents everyday, not taking a single second for granted because I know first hand how short life is. I won’t go on and on because I think we all here know how short life is. It can be as short as 6 weeks. I miss a father who lived 60 years and babies that lived 6 weeks. The sudden turns life takes, you’re never prepared for. I don’t know what these next 2 months let alone tomorrow holds in store for me. I will never be prepared for another BFP, u/s, m/c, loss…no matter how many times I’ve experienced it, I will never be prepared. As much as I want something, I am scared sh!tless to have it. Because I’m scared of losing it. 2 things I hate – cancer and m/c. Both should just disappear from this earth.
The Hubs and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. I’m really not one of those wives that expect something special on Anniversaries and Birthdays. Maybe I’m too cynical but I’d like to think it’s more pragmatism than cynicism. I’m a romantic…I love love and romance. I just do not love the frills that embellish the simple, pure innocence of just love. So since we got married, we decided to just exchange Christmas ornaments as gifts. We can look back 20, 30, 40 years from now with all the ornaments we exchanged…with a story for each and pass them onto our children. That last part is the hardest part apparently. Still working on that. This year, we decided to add another tradition along w/exchanging ornaments. Instead of gifts, we will be donating to a charity of each other’s choice in each other’s name. It will not be much. Remember, The Hubs is back in school w/a PT job. And we live in a part of the country with one of the highest costs of living. (I really wouldn’t mind moving but that’s for another time, another post.) We struggle ourselves, battling rent, bills, oh and did I mention TTC? But we know there is so much more in this world than just us and our trials. It won’t be much but a little adds up so we will share the little that we have. I chose City of Hope. It has great meaning to me. The Hubs chose CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County). I’m still childless this Christmas, still hurting, still confused, and still broke. But I will be a little warmer this year as we log onto each others charity tonight, giving a little bit of ourselves, to a big cause…in some ways bigger than our story.
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
a needed meltdown
Sometimes the best thing to do is just take a step back and look at everything with a fresh mindset. Once you’ve muddled yourself in the midst of chaos and process, you lose yourself and purpose. It takes a step back to put everything into perspective. When I try to detangle a knot and get so caught up in trying to detangle it and that’s all that matters, the knot gets worse and worse each twist and turn I try to detangle. You stop and think WTF. I’ve created a bigger mess when it was something so much simpler to begin with! So you take a step back and gather yourself so you can be refreshed in another attempt to detangle.
That’s how I’ve been. I got so lost in this TTC process that I made it into an even bigger torture than it really is. I had a semi-meltdown this past Saturday. My SIL (The Hubs’ younger sister) came over with her BF. After a night of bingo at a local bingo hall (yes, it's actually incredibly fun and a stress reliever to spend a Saturday night with senior citizens), we discussed a possible New Years Eve party. I had to remind them I do not celebrate on NYE since it is the date of my father’s passing. I don’t sulk and cry all day on every NYE but I certainly do not want to throw a party. We usually just spend the night with family and enjoy each others company, remembering to never take each other for granted. This “party” topic came up because we ended up not having a Christmas party this year so SIL wanted to know when our next “event” would be. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled out “Oooh I know! My 3oth Birthday!”. It is SO not like me to want a Birthday party. In fact, I hate everything about Birthdays. The hype, the balloons in my cubicle, coworkers trying to sing in tune, the “what do you want for your bday?”s. So what made me suggest that out loud? I have no idea. I think I was possessed. So SIL said “Oh yea! That’ll be great!”. Then as quickly as I yelled out my nonsense, I quickly became this nutcase that couldn’t stop crying. In front of the SIL’s BF that I’ve only met twice. I remembered I’m turning 30. 30! I had so much I wanted to accomplish before 30 and a baby (or 2) was right up there. I wasn’t bawling but tears just would not shut off. It was one of those 'why am I crying?' meltdowns mixed in with laughter because I found it ridiculously and unnecessarily dramatic. SIL said all the comforting words your friends/family say to you – you’re still young, next time is it, you have accomplished so much, don’t worry, etc. I’m not one to show my emotions about my TTC/IF trials so I’m sure they all found my emotional meltdown random, odd, and uncomfortable. Wouldn't blame SIL's BF if he never wants to hang out with me again. But you know what…it felt good. It felt so good to just finally let it all out.
That night, The Hubs sat me down and asked what that was all about. I told him I’m borderline depressed. He said no you’re not. Maybe I didn’t sound serious enough? I looked at him like how do you know? He reminded me that our marriage and love is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that my happiness is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that we need to and can live our lives according to our pace, not others. He reminded me that this is not who I am. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. He reminded me that I’m drowning myself in this TTC ocean and need to keep my head above the surface to keep afloat. Otherwise, what’s the point if I won’t survive it?
I have taken a step back to look at the situation refreshed. Am I happy right now? Yes, I am. I love sleeping in on the weekends. I love not cooking. I love not cleaning. I love watching TV whenever I want. I love working OT until whenever I want. I love going to the mall w/The Hubs on a whim. I love going anywhere on a whim. I love taking care of just me and The Hubs. All of this will change when we bring a baby home. But I will love that too when that time comes, but for now, I love what we have right now. I can’t lose either way.
That’s how I’ve been. I got so lost in this TTC process that I made it into an even bigger torture than it really is. I had a semi-meltdown this past Saturday. My SIL (The Hubs’ younger sister) came over with her BF. After a night of bingo at a local bingo hall (yes, it's actually incredibly fun and a stress reliever to spend a Saturday night with senior citizens), we discussed a possible New Years Eve party. I had to remind them I do not celebrate on NYE since it is the date of my father’s passing. I don’t sulk and cry all day on every NYE but I certainly do not want to throw a party. We usually just spend the night with family and enjoy each others company, remembering to never take each other for granted. This “party” topic came up because we ended up not having a Christmas party this year so SIL wanted to know when our next “event” would be. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled out “Oooh I know! My 3oth Birthday!”. It is SO not like me to want a Birthday party. In fact, I hate everything about Birthdays. The hype, the balloons in my cubicle, coworkers trying to sing in tune, the “what do you want for your bday?”s. So what made me suggest that out loud? I have no idea. I think I was possessed. So SIL said “Oh yea! That’ll be great!”. Then as quickly as I yelled out my nonsense, I quickly became this nutcase that couldn’t stop crying. In front of the SIL’s BF that I’ve only met twice. I remembered I’m turning 30. 30! I had so much I wanted to accomplish before 30 and a baby (or 2) was right up there. I wasn’t bawling but tears just would not shut off. It was one of those 'why am I crying?' meltdowns mixed in with laughter because I found it ridiculously and unnecessarily dramatic. SIL said all the comforting words your friends/family say to you – you’re still young, next time is it, you have accomplished so much, don’t worry, etc. I’m not one to show my emotions about my TTC/IF trials so I’m sure they all found my emotional meltdown random, odd, and uncomfortable. Wouldn't blame SIL's BF if he never wants to hang out with me again. But you know what…it felt good. It felt so good to just finally let it all out.
That night, The Hubs sat me down and asked what that was all about. I told him I’m borderline depressed. He said no you’re not. Maybe I didn’t sound serious enough? I looked at him like how do you know? He reminded me that our marriage and love is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that my happiness is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that we need to and can live our lives according to our pace, not others. He reminded me that this is not who I am. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. He reminded me that I’m drowning myself in this TTC ocean and need to keep my head above the surface to keep afloat. Otherwise, what’s the point if I won’t survive it?
I have taken a step back to look at the situation refreshed. Am I happy right now? Yes, I am. I love sleeping in on the weekends. I love not cooking. I love not cleaning. I love watching TV whenever I want. I love working OT until whenever I want. I love going to the mall w/The Hubs on a whim. I love going anywhere on a whim. I love taking care of just me and The Hubs. All of this will change when we bring a baby home. But I will love that too when that time comes, but for now, I love what we have right now. I can’t lose either way.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
finally...
She's here!
She's 2 days late but still made it here. Well, now that I think about it, she's actually only 1 1/2 days late because first date of my last period was 11/15 late at night like right before bed and today's came at butt crack of dawn so I'm not too upset she kept me waiting. I was just being impatient as usual. I've never been the 28-day cycle kind of a girl. Always 30 at max 32. Does this mean I ovulate late? Hmmm...
OPK will be here before my next ovulation so I'll have some help from now on. I'm somewhat relieved AF is here but not happy because afterall, I am TTC! I told the Hubs this morning AF finally came and he just gave me a pout. He's not one to talk about how much he wants to be a father so just that pout alone told me a lot. I really want this more for him than myself. I know he'll be a better father than I will be as a mother. I know he'll be the nice parent in the house that our child(ren) will turn to more, so I'm hurting to deliver a baby for the Hubs. I pray everyday 2010 will be it.
I will for once look at AF arriving as glass half full:
* She'll be gone by Christmas
* I can have a cup of coffee with the actual drug in it
* A New Castle or Modelo this weekend while watching some football sounds like heaven
* My baby has no chance of being a Leo for now. Virgo, Libra and anything else closely after that I'll take. Just soon please! Real soon! (I truly sincerly from the deepest part of my heart apologize to any Leo's reading this. Nothing against you. It's just me.)
She's 2 days late but still made it here. Well, now that I think about it, she's actually only 1 1/2 days late because first date of my last period was 11/15 late at night like right before bed and today's came at butt crack of dawn so I'm not too upset she kept me waiting. I was just being impatient as usual. I've never been the 28-day cycle kind of a girl. Always 30 at max 32. Does this mean I ovulate late? Hmmm...
OPK will be here before my next ovulation so I'll have some help from now on. I'm somewhat relieved AF is here but not happy because afterall, I am TTC! I told the Hubs this morning AF finally came and he just gave me a pout. He's not one to talk about how much he wants to be a father so just that pout alone told me a lot. I really want this more for him than myself. I know he'll be a better father than I will be as a mother. I know he'll be the nice parent in the house that our child(ren) will turn to more, so I'm hurting to deliver a baby for the Hubs. I pray everyday 2010 will be it.
I will for once look at AF arriving as glass half full:
* She'll be gone by Christmas
* I can have a cup of coffee with the actual drug in it
* A New Castle or Modelo this weekend while watching some football sounds like heaven
* My baby has no chance of being a Leo for now. Virgo, Libra and anything else closely after that I'll take. Just soon please! Real soon! (I truly sincerly from the deepest part of my heart apologize to any Leo's reading this. Nothing against you. It's just me.)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
what not to do at work...
is touch your boobs. Now, I try to be as discrete as possible. Feeling it with my arm or touching my chest area or pressing inside of my arm against it etc. I wouldn't dare just cup these suckers while 12 sets of eyes are around me.
This is how crazy I've become. I'm now feeling my boobs in the most ridiculous way/shape/form. I look ridiculous.
I'm not going crazy that AF's still not here and it's 16 DPO. I'm going crazy because I just don't feel it coming as I ususally do yet also do not feel any pregnancy symptoms. It's like my body decided to go on vacation or something. My cycle's usually 30 days so I might just be late this cycle. Today, I'm just bloated which might be an AF sign, hot like I'm on fire but maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body, and have a ginormous headache but again maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body.
All I want for Christmas are some aching boobs, a pepperoni face, nausea day and night, extra lbs around the waist, and no energy by 4pm. My 2WW has turned into more like a 3WW. Should I just go buy a HPT today on my way home from work and just get this thing over with? But I just know I'm not preggo either...shouldn't I have at least ONE symptom???
This is how crazy I've become. I'm now feeling my boobs in the most ridiculous way/shape/form. I look ridiculous.
I'm not going crazy that AF's still not here and it's 16 DPO. I'm going crazy because I just don't feel it coming as I ususally do yet also do not feel any pregnancy symptoms. It's like my body decided to go on vacation or something. My cycle's usually 30 days so I might just be late this cycle. Today, I'm just bloated which might be an AF sign, hot like I'm on fire but maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body, and have a ginormous headache but again maybe because I'm just so flippin annoyed at my body.
All I want for Christmas are some aching boobs, a pepperoni face, nausea day and night, extra lbs around the waist, and no energy by 4pm. My 2WW has turned into more like a 3WW. Should I just go buy a HPT today on my way home from work and just get this thing over with? But I just know I'm not preggo either...shouldn't I have at least ONE symptom???
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
where is she....?
Okay - she was supposed to make her landing today. AF's still not here yet. To make matters (worse?) more confusing, I don't have the usual cramps and aches I get right around now. I have absolutely zero pregnancy symptoms and zero AF symptoms. I am totally lost. I can't decide whether I should anticipate BFP or AF. I am terrified to take a HPT because I'm afraid it will be positive. That's right, positive. If I was feeling a teeny weeny bit of pregancy symptoms, I would be excited and optimistic but I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure again by testing, getting a faint line, which will only lead to me freaking out that I'm going through another m/c, because my boobs just are not sore period. Seriously - at this point, I'd rather AF just get her 5 day fun over with.
I'll wait 4 more days. I'm never off on my cycle. It's like clockwork. And when I am 2-3 days late, I usually feel the symptoms of it coming nonetheless. I'll wait until Friday. If AF's still not here by Friday, I'll test. Followed by hours and days of prayers and tears. This is torture. Pure torture.
**update: I did it. I purchased the cheapo tests online. They probably won't get here until next Monday-Tuesday so my patience will really be tested this weekend as I fight tooth and nail to not run off to buy a test that costs 10x what I just purchased because I just cannot bare another day of waiting. If AF isn't here by this weekend...I think we can pretty much call it that I'm preggo. Only if that was the end of the battle.
I'll wait 4 more days. I'm never off on my cycle. It's like clockwork. And when I am 2-3 days late, I usually feel the symptoms of it coming nonetheless. I'll wait until Friday. If AF's still not here by Friday, I'll test. Followed by hours and days of prayers and tears. This is torture. Pure torture.
**update: I did it. I purchased the cheapo tests online. They probably won't get here until next Monday-Tuesday so my patience will really be tested this weekend as I fight tooth and nail to not run off to buy a test that costs 10x what I just purchased because I just cannot bare another day of waiting. If AF isn't here by this weekend...I think we can pretty much call it that I'm preggo. Only if that was the end of the battle.
Friday, December 11, 2009
don't take me there...
My employer provides a Visa debit card in the beginning of each year. There is a credit of $900 we can use to pay for any medical related expenses throughout the year. It’s just an added incentive on top of the getting-shittier-each-year insurance benefits we have. I used up the entire balance for all my co-pays on blood tests (can’t even count how many of these I did!), u/s’s, d&c, genetic testing (not for The Hubs and I but of the tissue they recovered from the d&c), anesthesia, pills, pops, pokes, drills – you get the point. When you go through a m/c – there is a shitload of medical bills. Any portion I was responsible for, this Visa came in hand.
My employer’s benefits dept recently sent me a notification of request for copies of 7 of like 685 invoices I’ve seen this year, because they wanted to verify that the Visa was used for “medical purposes” and if I cannot provide the invoices, I’ll have to cough up the $900. Oh GAAAAAAAAWWWWD! I wanted to burn the document or use it to wipe my fresh ass. Really? I mean, what could I have POSSIBLY purchased at Hoag Medical Center or Newport Radiology? Do they think I purchased oh, I don’t know…a PURSE with hospital logo on it because yea, that’s really the latest trend Jennifer Aniston’s been sporting! Not only do I not have all of these 7 invoices but I wanted to know what the hell would make the brain surgeons that work for my company think these were not medical related. So I called them to let them have a piece of me. I was livid. And now that I think about it, I wasn’t livid because they were asking me to do some leg work. I was livid because they brought me back to those days 8 months ago. They made me relive my days of beta tests, surgery, recovery….. Each call I made to hospital or laboratories to ask for copies of the invoices, I was reminded of why I needed their services in the first place. And that just sucked balls.
I hate my employer. You would THINK being as big as it is, it would have a better system down in operating such a mess, but they don’t. I found out all of my coworkers who had a surgery or a cough this past year got the same notification in the mail. It’s bad enough they work us like slaves and now this!
On another note, I'm about 10 DPO and I've never felt so non-pregnant in my life! Just wonderful, isn't it? I've decided to buy a OPK if AF shows up. I'm hoping I'll only have to use it like once.
Remember my cutting in line... post? Well, the Hubs mentioned last night that his friend J and wife V have actually been trying for 8 months now. I felt terrible. I didn't know they were trying for so long and here I was, thinking Oh great, another couple about to cut in line and get pregnant right away. It's so easy for me to quickly jump to conclusions to satisfy my imagination, but every couple has their own story and pain...I should've known better.
The rain is hitting So Cal full force now. We're on "storm watch". Amazing how some rain makes headline or breaking news around here. I love the rain so I'm going to soak it all in while I can. We've had a dry spell all year so this is nice...
My employer’s benefits dept recently sent me a notification of request for copies of 7 of like 685 invoices I’ve seen this year, because they wanted to verify that the Visa was used for “medical purposes” and if I cannot provide the invoices, I’ll have to cough up the $900. Oh GAAAAAAAAWWWWD! I wanted to burn the document or use it to wipe my fresh ass. Really? I mean, what could I have POSSIBLY purchased at Hoag Medical Center or Newport Radiology? Do they think I purchased oh, I don’t know…a PURSE with hospital logo on it because yea, that’s really the latest trend Jennifer Aniston’s been sporting! Not only do I not have all of these 7 invoices but I wanted to know what the hell would make the brain surgeons that work for my company think these were not medical related. So I called them to let them have a piece of me. I was livid. And now that I think about it, I wasn’t livid because they were asking me to do some leg work. I was livid because they brought me back to those days 8 months ago. They made me relive my days of beta tests, surgery, recovery….. Each call I made to hospital or laboratories to ask for copies of the invoices, I was reminded of why I needed their services in the first place. And that just sucked balls.
I hate my employer. You would THINK being as big as it is, it would have a better system down in operating such a mess, but they don’t. I found out all of my coworkers who had a surgery or a cough this past year got the same notification in the mail. It’s bad enough they work us like slaves and now this!
On another note, I'm about 10 DPO and I've never felt so non-pregnant in my life! Just wonderful, isn't it? I've decided to buy a OPK if AF shows up. I'm hoping I'll only have to use it like once.
Remember my cutting in line... post? Well, the Hubs mentioned last night that his friend J and wife V have actually been trying for 8 months now. I felt terrible. I didn't know they were trying for so long and here I was, thinking Oh great, another couple about to cut in line and get pregnant right away. It's so easy for me to quickly jump to conclusions to satisfy my imagination, but every couple has their own story and pain...I should've known better.
The rain is hitting So Cal full force now. We're on "storm watch". Amazing how some rain makes headline or breaking news around here. I love the rain so I'm going to soak it all in while I can. We've had a dry spell all year so this is nice...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
white elephant...
Really, is asking for some sore ping&pong and a breakout too much to ask? I’ve never wanted a zit so much in my life. At this point, I just want AF to hurry, come and get it over with.
We have a white elephant gift exchange today at work. Our team is the only team of 7 teams that is the most unenthusiastic and don’t-give-a-shit team on the floor. We are definitely the misfits. We’re always number one though…huh, go figure. So it doesn’t take everyone wearing reindeer horns and decorating your team area as if Party City and 99 cent store threw up in there to be the most productive team? Don’t get me wrong – I love this time of the year. I just don’t want to be bubbly and giddy with horns on my head when I’m hella pissed off working a file and oh I don't know... obsessing about my 2WW non-symptoms! Our team decided to stick to the true white elephant tradition of bringing in a gift from your home. With the economy in the toilet as it is, no reason to make Target richer than it already is. Whoever said consumers spending will get the economy back on track is on crack. Hello! So, our team decided lets bring something from home instead. We all know what each others’ paycheck is like. As great of an idea as it is, to be totally honest, I’m afraid knowing my luck, I’ll end up with something like a noise hair trimmer.
So last night I rummaged through every drawer and bookshelf and boxes for any useless-to-us-yet-still-usable-junk I can wrap. We moved a couple of months ago and wouldn’t you know – we threw out any and all junk during the move! I was going crazy, hence making the Hubs crazy. “Honey! FIND ME SOMETHING DAMN IT!”. I went through every book in our bookshelf asking the Hubs This one? That one? How about this book? And he suggested, “Why don’t you give Skinny Bitch Bun in the Oven?” I just about went Tiger Wood’s wife on him.
His explanation was that it was only because when he bought it for me and I read it the first time I was pregnant and m/c a few weeks after, I blamed the misfortune on this book for jinxing me. But still – I got upset that he would even think about giving away a book like that. I told him, “That’s like you cursing me not to ever get pregnant again!”. He apologized. Begged for mercy. We have lots of golf clubs lying around the house.
Wish me luck – hope I don’t end up with a nose hair trimmer!
We have a white elephant gift exchange today at work. Our team is the only team of 7 teams that is the most unenthusiastic and don’t-give-a-shit team on the floor. We are definitely the misfits. We’re always number one though…huh, go figure. So it doesn’t take everyone wearing reindeer horns and decorating your team area as if Party City and 99 cent store threw up in there to be the most productive team? Don’t get me wrong – I love this time of the year. I just don’t want to be bubbly and giddy with horns on my head when I’m hella pissed off working a file and oh I don't know... obsessing about my 2WW non-symptoms! Our team decided to stick to the true white elephant tradition of bringing in a gift from your home. With the economy in the toilet as it is, no reason to make Target richer than it already is. Whoever said consumers spending will get the economy back on track is on crack. Hello! So, our team decided lets bring something from home instead. We all know what each others’ paycheck is like. As great of an idea as it is, to be totally honest, I’m afraid knowing my luck, I’ll end up with something like a noise hair trimmer.
So last night I rummaged through every drawer and bookshelf and boxes for any useless-to-us-yet-still-usable-junk I can wrap. We moved a couple of months ago and wouldn’t you know – we threw out any and all junk during the move! I was going crazy, hence making the Hubs crazy. “Honey! FIND ME SOMETHING DAMN IT!”. I went through every book in our bookshelf asking the Hubs This one? That one? How about this book? And he suggested, “Why don’t you give Skinny Bitch Bun in the Oven?” I just about went Tiger Wood’s wife on him.
His explanation was that it was only because when he bought it for me and I read it the first time I was pregnant and m/c a few weeks after, I blamed the misfortune on this book for jinxing me. But still – I got upset that he would even think about giving away a book like that. I told him, “That’s like you cursing me not to ever get pregnant again!”. He apologized. Begged for mercy. We have lots of golf clubs lying around the house.
Wish me luck – hope I don’t end up with a nose hair trimmer!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
when do i know i need help?
You know how men hate to stop and ask for directions? Well, that’s why GPS was invented. When you’re lost and cannot find your way, the next step naturally is to ask for directions. But these days, I am beginning to understand why men do not stop to ask.
I know it has only been 3 cycles since we started TTC again. The first time we TTC after our first m/c, we got pregnant right away, so I did not believe our problem would be conceiving. Well, I cannot say that anymore. Since it wasn’t a problem for us before and it is now, I’m beginning to think is something wrong with us? Maybe I have a condition after 2 m/c’s that I didn’t have before? I know I’m still young (I don’t think that but people say that…Really? You think 30 is young! You had a baby when you were 26! So don’t tell me I’m still young!!!!!! I hate hearing this!), and there are women who have been trying for years so I should just stop whining. But I also see those who have been trying for years have stopped and asked for help. They were diagnosed with conditions that have guided or are guiding them in the right direction and ultimately conceived and carried succesfully. Me? I’m just lost.
When do you decide to see an RE? When do you tell yourself lets ask for help? Men can drive around for hours going in circles completely lost when they should’ve stopped and asked for help 3 hours ago! I don’t want be there. I have yet to find any story about a couple successfully conceiving on their own after m/c’s without any help. That is discouraging. I’m happy for them – but discouraging for me. It forces me to think – okay, I need to ask for help.
It is not about my pride. I’ve never been one to hesitate about asking for help because I’m determined to figure everything out on my own. I’m quite independent yet know when I’m just being stupid and need to ask for help. I thankfully was born a woman. I think it’s more about my fear of finding out that there is a medical problem. It’s my fear of the cost of treatments. It’s my fear of how taxing and draining the treatments may be emotionally and physically. Although finding the problem will put us in the right direction, I’m petrified of what that path holds. So here I am trying to find my destination on my own when I could just use a GPS to get me there perhaps faster and more efficiently. But GPS’s are so damn expensive and high maintenance. What do I do? Do I continue on my own or ask for help? When did you know you needed to ask for help? Do you regret and think you could've conceived on your own without the help?
I know it has only been 3 cycles since we started TTC again. The first time we TTC after our first m/c, we got pregnant right away, so I did not believe our problem would be conceiving. Well, I cannot say that anymore. Since it wasn’t a problem for us before and it is now, I’m beginning to think is something wrong with us? Maybe I have a condition after 2 m/c’s that I didn’t have before? I know I’m still young (I don’t think that but people say that…Really? You think 30 is young! You had a baby when you were 26! So don’t tell me I’m still young!!!!!! I hate hearing this!), and there are women who have been trying for years so I should just stop whining. But I also see those who have been trying for years have stopped and asked for help. They were diagnosed with conditions that have guided or are guiding them in the right direction and ultimately conceived and carried succesfully. Me? I’m just lost.
When do you decide to see an RE? When do you tell yourself lets ask for help? Men can drive around for hours going in circles completely lost when they should’ve stopped and asked for help 3 hours ago! I don’t want be there. I have yet to find any story about a couple successfully conceiving on their own after m/c’s without any help. That is discouraging. I’m happy for them – but discouraging for me. It forces me to think – okay, I need to ask for help.
It is not about my pride. I’ve never been one to hesitate about asking for help because I’m determined to figure everything out on my own. I’m quite independent yet know when I’m just being stupid and need to ask for help. I thankfully was born a woman. I think it’s more about my fear of finding out that there is a medical problem. It’s my fear of the cost of treatments. It’s my fear of how taxing and draining the treatments may be emotionally and physically. Although finding the problem will put us in the right direction, I’m petrified of what that path holds. So here I am trying to find my destination on my own when I could just use a GPS to get me there perhaps faster and more efficiently. But GPS’s are so damn expensive and high maintenance. What do I do? Do I continue on my own or ask for help? When did you know you needed to ask for help? Do you regret and think you could've conceived on your own without the help?
Monday, December 7, 2009
keeping track - 7DPO
This is just to keep track. I might be crazy since it's only 7DPO and it's normal to not feel any symptoms, but I'm also all about having info on hand when I need it. I want to be able to look back to see what/how I felt when I was or was not pregnant. This cycle might once again be a BFN but at least I'll know in future what BFN symptoms that never were true symptoms were like. That and I want to know if these symptoms all just in my head. What were/are some of your symptoms?
- exhaustion. I'm so tired, eyeballs are about to pop out and I just want to sleep but I can't fall asleep! It feels as if I'd knock out to la la land in less than a minute if I could just put my head down but when I do, I'm still up wide awake but so tired!
- little or non existent CM. I thought I felt/saw very little but very thin CM yesterday, but um... it may have just been my pee. My brain is telling my eyes what I "want" to see.
- slight twinges and cramps at random times of the day. Very slight. And that scares me. Anything "slight" makes me feel like this again is not a viable pregnancy if it is a pregnancy at all. I want the full deal, not "slight"!
- phlegm in the mornings. There's something stuck there every morning these past few days! I hate grossing my coworkers out so this is driving me nuts.
- absolutely no food aversions, nausea. I'm eating like a horse but then again, I'm always eating like a horse.
- BBS are normal.
I have a strong feeling I'm not pregnant.
- exhaustion. I'm so tired, eyeballs are about to pop out and I just want to sleep but I can't fall asleep! It feels as if I'd knock out to la la land in less than a minute if I could just put my head down but when I do, I'm still up wide awake but so tired!
- little or non existent CM. I thought I felt/saw very little but very thin CM yesterday, but um... it may have just been my pee. My brain is telling my eyes what I "want" to see.
- slight twinges and cramps at random times of the day. Very slight. And that scares me. Anything "slight" makes me feel like this again is not a viable pregnancy if it is a pregnancy at all. I want the full deal, not "slight"!
- phlegm in the mornings. There's something stuck there every morning these past few days! I hate grossing my coworkers out so this is driving me nuts.
- absolutely no food aversions, nausea. I'm eating like a horse but then again, I'm always eating like a horse.
- BBS are normal.
I have a strong feeling I'm not pregnant.
getting ahead of myself...
I’m a planner. I sometimes wish I was spontaneous and wild but I like knowing what’s ahead than surprises. I don’t even like surprise parties, gifts, trips. When the hubs says “I have surprise for you”, I’m like “uh-uh – tell me NOW!”. You would think I’m the wild child, being the youngest of 3 girls, but I’m the most cautious, apprehensive, and prepared (or at least WANTS to be prepared). I wish I can be as calm, cool, collected as my oldest sister or balls-out gutsy as my second sister, but I’m not. I’m the worry-freak that can’t sit still and has to plan everything ahead. The hubs wants to host a Christmas get-together at our place like we did last year. I told him 2 week notice to myself or guests ain’t gonna work! Forget it. We’ll crash other people’s parties. Hopefully people like us enough to invite us. But, a part of me did not want to host a party this year because a) I might be pregnant and b) I might not be. Do you know what I mean? If I am pregnant, I don’t want the stress of holding back on the martinis while others party away. :) Oh, that and having 99% of my brain worrying “Is the baby ok..am I spotting…do I still have symptoms?” while only 1% of my brain worries about the wine stain on our carpet. If I am not pregnant, I don’t want to host a party having a fake smile on my face all night. Get the drift?
Being this freakish planner that I am, whenever the Hubs or friends/sisters ask “Hey, lets to go Vegas!” or “When are you gonna come visit me in Philly?”, I would normally be on top of it, excited to plan and set the date before they even finish suggesting the idea. But lately, I can’t. I’m gray with my answers and cannot commit. I cannot finalize. And I’m all about FINALIZATION! Nothing is left up in the air for me! I cannot make any plans for 2010 because of this TTC madness! My sisters want to visit our cousin in Philadelphia in the spring. I cannot commit because I don’t know if I’ll be 5 months pregnant (or even be recovering from yet again another m/c). The Hubs wants to plan a full-blown 30th birthday party for me in March, but I’m not crazy about the idea because again, I don’t know what kind of state of mind/body I’ll be in come March. BFF is getting married in May and we need to start planning her Bachelorette party (yes, we still have some time, but again…I’m a planner.), but I cannot even commit to going to her party if it’s decided to be in Vegas. I don’t care what anyone says…a pregnant woman in Vegas is just wrong. I can harm my baby with that air I breathe in or harm my baby by turning blue holding my breath. Either way, just wrong.
All of this makes me wonder. Am I getting way ahead of myself here? Why am I worrying about something months away from now? This is just crazy. I cannot let this control me and how I live my life. I need to stop planning to plan and just go with the flow. Again, these are just thoughts that go through my head. Just thoughts, because I don’t know if I can do anything about it besides just thinking it. I cannot wake up tomorrow and decide, ok – no more thinking ahead! Just live! So much easier said than done. My life is consumed by TTC and m/c, and I am not going to do a darn thing about it! There!
I did do one thing today that shocks me. Michael Buble is coming to town in April. We’re going. I don’t care if I’m pregnant, we’re going. So tickets are on their way. No way is Michael singing (albeit full blast volume that hurts my chest) as harmful to the baby as Vegas air quality is. Oh my goodness, I’m not even pregnant and I’m worrying about next year!!!
***It's raining today. The beginning of winter here. Rain is our version of snow in so cal. I love the rain! Hoping this is the start of a good week ahead!***
Being this freakish planner that I am, whenever the Hubs or friends/sisters ask “Hey, lets to go Vegas!” or “When are you gonna come visit me in Philly?”, I would normally be on top of it, excited to plan and set the date before they even finish suggesting the idea. But lately, I can’t. I’m gray with my answers and cannot commit. I cannot finalize. And I’m all about FINALIZATION! Nothing is left up in the air for me! I cannot make any plans for 2010 because of this TTC madness! My sisters want to visit our cousin in Philadelphia in the spring. I cannot commit because I don’t know if I’ll be 5 months pregnant (or even be recovering from yet again another m/c). The Hubs wants to plan a full-blown 30th birthday party for me in March, but I’m not crazy about the idea because again, I don’t know what kind of state of mind/body I’ll be in come March. BFF is getting married in May and we need to start planning her Bachelorette party (yes, we still have some time, but again…I’m a planner.), but I cannot even commit to going to her party if it’s decided to be in Vegas. I don’t care what anyone says…a pregnant woman in Vegas is just wrong. I can harm my baby with that air I breathe in or harm my baby by turning blue holding my breath. Either way, just wrong.
All of this makes me wonder. Am I getting way ahead of myself here? Why am I worrying about something months away from now? This is just crazy. I cannot let this control me and how I live my life. I need to stop planning to plan and just go with the flow. Again, these are just thoughts that go through my head. Just thoughts, because I don’t know if I can do anything about it besides just thinking it. I cannot wake up tomorrow and decide, ok – no more thinking ahead! Just live! So much easier said than done. My life is consumed by TTC and m/c, and I am not going to do a darn thing about it! There!
I did do one thing today that shocks me. Michael Buble is coming to town in April. We’re going. I don’t care if I’m pregnant, we’re going. So tickets are on their way. No way is Michael singing (albeit full blast volume that hurts my chest) as harmful to the baby as Vegas air quality is. Oh my goodness, I’m not even pregnant and I’m worrying about next year!!!
***It's raining today. The beginning of winter here. Rain is our version of snow in so cal. I love the rain! Hoping this is the start of a good week ahead!***
Friday, December 4, 2009
can i just say...
how much I hate work. Hate it. And it's only 8:25am. Yea yea yea, I should be grateful I have a job when 10% of the country is unemployed and would trade places with me anyday. Actually, yes I will trade places with one of you that is very fertile and do not know how to miscarry. Take my miserable job and I'll take your body. Even if you have a muffin top with short legs. I'll take it.
I am grateful. I'm grateful I get a paycheck every other week that supplies the food on our table, a roof (ceiling between upstairs neighbors and us) over our heads, and allows my husband to go back to school and work part time because he was part of the 10% unemployed for awhile. He bravely decided to stop looking for a job in an industry he hated anyway and go back to school to do something he's always had passion for - food. I however am not grateful for dealing with morons and nonsense all day. I work for a bank. A very big bank. Think of the biggest bank in America. I help (or destroy, whichever way you look at it) clients fulfill their dreams of buying a house by approving (or declining) their mortgage loans. I can make or break that dream, and thesedays there have been a lot of breaking rather than making due to as you already know, failing economy. The best part of my job is hearing how happy some of the clients get when they finally get to sign their closing loan docs and move into their home, especially first time buyers. This and free premium checking account. The worst part of my job is not hearing them bitch me out when I decline their loans. You would think it is, but it's not. I've heard it so many times that my ear now knows not carry it to the brain but out the other ear instead. Rather, the worst part of the job are the assholes that ARE going to get the loan but STILL are assholes.
Me: "Mr. Asshole, I see you're on the loan by yourself. Are you married?"
Asshole: "....y....es..."
Mr: "Will your spouse go on title with you?"
Asshole: "Oh Jesus, why? Why do you care?"
Me: (Well, I don't care but the BANK does. And I'm not Jesus!) "I just need to know if your spouse will go on title with you to draw loan docs correctly. Title will want to know how the vesting should be held."
Asshole: "I've already gone over this with everybody (Well, not me homie! And I'm kind of the most important person to be talking to if you want this loan!). YES, whatever she'll go on title!"
Me: "Okay, what is her name?"
Asshole: "Why do you need all this! What does it matter! She's not borrowing the money! It's just me!". I thought he was going to have a heart attack.
Me: Put the phone on mute and yelled "Because you're buying a fucking house!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone in the office just froze and looked at me. Steam was coming out of my ears. My manager was not happy and we had a "talk". It was a day big execs were visiting our site. BIG execs as in right below CEO BIG. I can kiss my raise in February goodbye.
This is by no means the career of my dream. I grew up wanting to be in the TV/Film industry. No, not in front of the camera. I wanted to write or produce. It was even my major in college. College doesn't mean shit. I actually was in the industry for awhile during and right after college. I hated it more. Watch Entourage? I worked at an agency where agents like Ari prance around with sticks up their ass all day. To make it in the film industry - you gotta know how to do one if not two of these things: 1) kiss ass 2) wear boom boom skirts to work 3) be shameless and ruthless. I do not do any of these. So I got a job that actually pays and didn't require the above. The perks aren't the same but I'll take a bigger paycheck and dignity over seeing a famous celebrity any day.
So what does all of this have anything to do with my TTC and IF? Stress. Hormones. Anxiety. Did I mention stress? While Mr. Asshole was asking Jesus why I was asking for things like his wife's name and his rental history, all I could think was where are my symptoms? Am I not pregnant? I hope the decaf really was decaf!
When I do get pregnant (hopefully am like NOW), would asking my doctor to put me on bedrest right away be just ridiculous and make me a wuss? Because I don't know how I'll put up with Mr. Assholes while pregnant. I might just get fired.
I am grateful. I'm grateful I get a paycheck every other week that supplies the food on our table, a roof (ceiling between upstairs neighbors and us) over our heads, and allows my husband to go back to school and work part time because he was part of the 10% unemployed for awhile. He bravely decided to stop looking for a job in an industry he hated anyway and go back to school to do something he's always had passion for - food. I however am not grateful for dealing with morons and nonsense all day. I work for a bank. A very big bank. Think of the biggest bank in America. I help (or destroy, whichever way you look at it) clients fulfill their dreams of buying a house by approving (or declining) their mortgage loans. I can make or break that dream, and thesedays there have been a lot of breaking rather than making due to as you already know, failing economy. The best part of my job is hearing how happy some of the clients get when they finally get to sign their closing loan docs and move into their home, especially first time buyers. This and free premium checking account. The worst part of my job is not hearing them bitch me out when I decline their loans. You would think it is, but it's not. I've heard it so many times that my ear now knows not carry it to the brain but out the other ear instead. Rather, the worst part of the job are the assholes that ARE going to get the loan but STILL are assholes.
Me: "Mr. Asshole, I see you're on the loan by yourself. Are you married?"
Asshole: "....y....es..."
Mr: "Will your spouse go on title with you?"
Asshole: "Oh Jesus, why? Why do you care?"
Me: (Well, I don't care but the BANK does. And I'm not Jesus!) "I just need to know if your spouse will go on title with you to draw loan docs correctly. Title will want to know how the vesting should be held."
Asshole: "I've already gone over this with everybody (Well, not me homie! And I'm kind of the most important person to be talking to if you want this loan!). YES, whatever she'll go on title!"
Me: "Okay, what is her name?"
Asshole: "Why do you need all this! What does it matter! She's not borrowing the money! It's just me!". I thought he was going to have a heart attack.
Me: Put the phone on mute and yelled "Because you're buying a fucking house!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone in the office just froze and looked at me. Steam was coming out of my ears. My manager was not happy and we had a "talk". It was a day big execs were visiting our site. BIG execs as in right below CEO BIG. I can kiss my raise in February goodbye.
This is by no means the career of my dream. I grew up wanting to be in the TV/Film industry. No, not in front of the camera. I wanted to write or produce. It was even my major in college. College doesn't mean shit. I actually was in the industry for awhile during and right after college. I hated it more. Watch Entourage? I worked at an agency where agents like Ari prance around with sticks up their ass all day. To make it in the film industry - you gotta know how to do one if not two of these things: 1) kiss ass 2) wear boom boom skirts to work 3) be shameless and ruthless. I do not do any of these. So I got a job that actually pays and didn't require the above. The perks aren't the same but I'll take a bigger paycheck and dignity over seeing a famous celebrity any day.
So what does all of this have anything to do with my TTC and IF? Stress. Hormones. Anxiety. Did I mention stress? While Mr. Asshole was asking Jesus why I was asking for things like his wife's name and his rental history, all I could think was where are my symptoms? Am I not pregnant? I hope the decaf really was decaf!
When I do get pregnant (hopefully am like NOW), would asking my doctor to put me on bedrest right away be just ridiculous and make me a wuss? Because I don't know how I'll put up with Mr. Assholes while pregnant. I might just get fired.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
cutting in line
One of the first things we learn as a human being is to wait your turn and no cutting in line. I waited in line anxiously for those $.25 popsicles in elementary school, occasionally yelling “hey no cuts!” when Ray Cunningham the obnoxious nose-picking bully & his buddies tried cutting in line. I even had the guts to tell the lady who obviously did not read “line forms here” at Michaels Craft Store “Oh, Ma’am, the line’s behind me”. I secretly knew the folks behind me wanted to give me high-fives all around. We police line cutters all our lives. So when friends and family started getting pregnant and even delivered all around me, I just about lost it. I was first! I couldn’t ask for a manager to complain about such injustice. I just prayed.
Let me elaborate just how crazy pregnancy water sells around here. Everyone seems to drink it. Mine just seems to be poisoned, that’s all:
I was pregnant in 10/08 & 3/209 – both m/c’d at approx 6 weeks.
- My college roommate got pregnant in 11/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. I didn’t go to her shower. I’m a terrible friend.
- My coworker D got pregnant 11/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer
- My coworker S’s wife got pregnant 12/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. I enjoyed the shower the best that I can.
- My friend and also my dentist’s sister M got pregnant in 12/08 and delivered a perfectly healthy girl this past summer. My dentist does not know about my m/c’s…I haven’t been to the dentist in over a year now. Last time I went, I was pregnant EDD 6/18/09.
- Apparently the good, unpoisened, babygirl water got passed around quite a bit last winter.
- My sister’s BFF got married on 8/1/09, got pregnant on her HONEYMOON (really? I mean REALLY! Just like that!) and is now expecting in May/10. She’s much older than me. And frankly I think I’ll make cuter babies than her.
It appears there is no rule about cutting in line in the world of pregnancy. God set the no cutting rule on everything but that. The rule even applies to fighting for fresh brewed coffee in the morning at work for God’s sake. But nope! Not for pregnancy. The first come first serve rule does not apply there. I’ve been there twice and have witnessed people cutting both times…so here I am at the back of the line again!
The Hubs recently mentioned his friend J and wife V are trying. I’m mentally preparing myself for their news.
walk with me...
I guess I should begin with a little bit of a background first. I got married in Oct 2007 after dating the hubs for 4 years. We always talked about having children one day but did not plan for our 1st pregnancy back in Oct 2008. It was unplanned but definitely not unwelcomed. We were not financially ready, that’s all. But we were nonetheless elated and emotionally ready. I was the girl who babysat every kid in the neighborhood growing up and told I’m a “natural” with children. So no, kids don’t scare me nor piss me off…unless they are disrespectful or hit.
We celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary in an ER due to spotting and the following week on the toilet I quickly painted scarlet red while wanting to puke. I was only about 6 weeks along. I resented God. I hated my body for being such a failure. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and never come out. I blamed myself for not being ecstatic when I first found out I was pregnant. Maybe the baby felt it? Was God punishing me for not feeling ready for this baby? It was completely unplanned so it caught me off guard and yes, I worried because we really were not financially ready…did baby feel all this? The Blame Game started. I told myself next time, we WILL plan and WILL be ready. Little did I know, God had other plans for us. Exactly 6 months later, I was pregnant again. This time, planned and not a pinch of doubt. I worried every millisecond due to my history but I did not think it can happen to me again! What are the odds that I would miscarry twice in a row – I mean how unlucky can I get! I saw a heartbeat this time and read countless number of websites and blogs that said chances of miscarriage after a hb is like 3%. Well, I had numbers going for me so although worrying, I was trying to stay positive. Well, luck and I never did get along. My OB called me during work asking me to go home and stay off my feet…she was not happy with the baby’s hb rate. It felt like a grand piano landed on top of me. I did as told, but I was not in control of what happened next. Next few U/S’s no longer showed a hb and I was scheduled for a D&C. They tested the tissue and found there was a chromosomal defect. God decided once again, he'll give us a perfect one next time.
I am not the most optimistic person in the world. I am always cautious, thinking of back up plans if this or that goes wrong, reminding myself of the worst instead of the best. I guess I always did that thinking I’ll get hurt that much less. But no matter how thick and great of a shield you build to protect you from pain, it will not pierce and hurt and scar you any less. I have learned in the last 12 months that worrying gets you nowhere and only gives you something to do. That does not mean I’ll stop worrying because c’mon, I’ve lived 29 years like this so I cannot change this neurotic side of me. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I cannot stop worrying. I can only channel those worries by writing and sharing and hopefully learning and healing in the process. I must’ve googled about a hundred times to find stories about women going through my exact situation. It is a lonely place to be in. Unless you have been there and back and perhaps there again and back – no one, not even your BFF or sister, can truly understand and share your pain with you. That is why I start this blog journey – knowing someone out there might want to know I too have been there.
We are back in the saddle again. It has been a little over 6 months since our last (and really it better be the last!) miscarriage. We have been trying since September so I am on my 3rd cycle now. I believe yesterday was my “O” day which would make today 1DPO. Absolutely zero symptoms, of course. (And yes, I've even googled "1DPO symptoms". Should I warn you now that I'm a little crazy?) Just little twinges here and there which might just be ovulation symptoms. Hubs has gotten a kick out of all the baby making lately. I’ve tried very hard to not make it feel like a “chore”. But damn it - why is it so much more enjoyable when you’re not trying! I’ve read that not enjoying it might be a reason for not getting pregnant. I know – I shouldn’t but do believe everything little damn thing I read online! I am not charting with any kits. Just pure instincts, dates, and signs my body gives me. I can try those kits but knowing me, it’s just another thing to obsess about and will consume my life. We have not seen any RE specialists. In fact, I have not even been back to see my OB since follow ups from D&C back in May. I am hoping I’ll have a reason to be back in her office soon. I have suggested to the hubs that we should talk to my doctor about seeing a RE specialist. He suggested we go at it the old-fashioned way for now, and we’ll cross that bridge in a couple of months if I do not get pregnant by then. I agreed. Because I am scared. I’m scared to officially be labeled “infertile”, although yes, I technically am already…but I’m afraid to have a specialist who went to way many more years of school than me in a white coat tell me this. I know I'm in denial...but as scared as I am, I'm also determined to cross that bridge is we have to. Will we ever have to cross that bridge? I don’t know. I guess you’ll find out soon enough if you take this walk with me…
God bless you if you’ve made it this far! Whew!
We celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary in an ER due to spotting and the following week on the toilet I quickly painted scarlet red while wanting to puke. I was only about 6 weeks along. I resented God. I hated my body for being such a failure. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and never come out. I blamed myself for not being ecstatic when I first found out I was pregnant. Maybe the baby felt it? Was God punishing me for not feeling ready for this baby? It was completely unplanned so it caught me off guard and yes, I worried because we really were not financially ready…did baby feel all this? The Blame Game started. I told myself next time, we WILL plan and WILL be ready. Little did I know, God had other plans for us. Exactly 6 months later, I was pregnant again. This time, planned and not a pinch of doubt. I worried every millisecond due to my history but I did not think it can happen to me again! What are the odds that I would miscarry twice in a row – I mean how unlucky can I get! I saw a heartbeat this time and read countless number of websites and blogs that said chances of miscarriage after a hb is like 3%. Well, I had numbers going for me so although worrying, I was trying to stay positive. Well, luck and I never did get along. My OB called me during work asking me to go home and stay off my feet…she was not happy with the baby’s hb rate. It felt like a grand piano landed on top of me. I did as told, but I was not in control of what happened next. Next few U/S’s no longer showed a hb and I was scheduled for a D&C. They tested the tissue and found there was a chromosomal defect. God decided once again, he'll give us a perfect one next time.
I am not the most optimistic person in the world. I am always cautious, thinking of back up plans if this or that goes wrong, reminding myself of the worst instead of the best. I guess I always did that thinking I’ll get hurt that much less. But no matter how thick and great of a shield you build to protect you from pain, it will not pierce and hurt and scar you any less. I have learned in the last 12 months that worrying gets you nowhere and only gives you something to do. That does not mean I’ll stop worrying because c’mon, I’ve lived 29 years like this so I cannot change this neurotic side of me. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I cannot stop worrying. I can only channel those worries by writing and sharing and hopefully learning and healing in the process. I must’ve googled about a hundred times to find stories about women going through my exact situation. It is a lonely place to be in. Unless you have been there and back and perhaps there again and back – no one, not even your BFF or sister, can truly understand and share your pain with you. That is why I start this blog journey – knowing someone out there might want to know I too have been there.
We are back in the saddle again. It has been a little over 6 months since our last (and really it better be the last!) miscarriage. We have been trying since September so I am on my 3rd cycle now. I believe yesterday was my “O” day which would make today 1DPO. Absolutely zero symptoms, of course. (And yes, I've even googled "1DPO symptoms". Should I warn you now that I'm a little crazy?) Just little twinges here and there which might just be ovulation symptoms. Hubs has gotten a kick out of all the baby making lately. I’ve tried very hard to not make it feel like a “chore”. But damn it - why is it so much more enjoyable when you’re not trying! I’ve read that not enjoying it might be a reason for not getting pregnant. I know – I shouldn’t but do believe everything little damn thing I read online! I am not charting with any kits. Just pure instincts, dates, and signs my body gives me. I can try those kits but knowing me, it’s just another thing to obsess about and will consume my life. We have not seen any RE specialists. In fact, I have not even been back to see my OB since follow ups from D&C back in May. I am hoping I’ll have a reason to be back in her office soon. I have suggested to the hubs that we should talk to my doctor about seeing a RE specialist. He suggested we go at it the old-fashioned way for now, and we’ll cross that bridge in a couple of months if I do not get pregnant by then. I agreed. Because I am scared. I’m scared to officially be labeled “infertile”, although yes, I technically am already…but I’m afraid to have a specialist who went to way many more years of school than me in a white coat tell me this. I know I'm in denial...but as scared as I am, I'm also determined to cross that bridge is we have to. Will we ever have to cross that bridge? I don’t know. I guess you’ll find out soon enough if you take this walk with me…
God bless you if you’ve made it this far! Whew!
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