walk with me...

I guess I should begin with a little bit of a background first. I got married in Oct 2007 after dating the hubs for 4 years. We always talked about having children one day but did not plan for our 1st pregnancy back in Oct 2008. It was unplanned but definitely not unwelcomed. We were not financially ready, that’s all. But we were nonetheless elated and emotionally ready. I was the girl who babysat every kid in the neighborhood growing up and told I’m a “natural” with children. So no, kids don’t scare me nor piss me off…unless they are disrespectful or hit.

We celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary in an ER due to spotting and the following week on the toilet I quickly painted scarlet red while wanting to puke. I was only about 6 weeks along. I resented God. I hated my body for being such a failure. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and never come out. I blamed myself for not being ecstatic when I first found out I was pregnant. Maybe the baby felt it? Was God punishing me for not feeling ready for this baby? It was completely unplanned so it caught me off guard and yes, I worried because we really were not financially ready…did baby feel all this? The Blame Game started. I told myself next time, we WILL plan and WILL be ready. Little did I know, God had other plans for us. Exactly 6 months later, I was pregnant again. This time, planned and not a pinch of doubt. I worried every millisecond due to my history but I did not think it can happen to me again! What are the odds that I would miscarry twice in a row – I mean how unlucky can I get! I saw a heartbeat this time and read countless number of websites and blogs that said chances of miscarriage after a hb is like 3%. Well, I had numbers going for me so although worrying, I was trying to stay positive. Well, luck and I never did get along. My OB called me during work asking me to go home and stay off my feet…she was not happy with the baby’s hb rate. It felt like a grand piano landed on top of me. I did as told, but I was not in control of what happened next. Next few U/S’s no longer showed a hb and I was scheduled for a D&C. They tested the tissue and found there was a chromosomal defect. God decided once again, he'll give us a perfect one next time.

I am not the most optimistic person in the world. I am always cautious, thinking of back up plans if this or that goes wrong, reminding myself of the worst instead of the best. I guess I always did that thinking I’ll get hurt that much less. But no matter how thick and great of a shield you build to protect you from pain, it will not pierce and hurt and scar you any less. I have learned in the last 12 months that worrying gets you nowhere and only gives you something to do. That does not mean I’ll stop worrying because c’mon, I’ve lived 29 years like this so I cannot change this neurotic side of me. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I cannot stop worrying. I can only channel those worries by writing and sharing and hopefully learning and healing in the process. I must’ve googled about a hundred times to find stories about women going through my exact situation. It is a lonely place to be in. Unless you have been there and back and perhaps there again and back – no one, not even your BFF or sister, can truly understand and share your pain with you. That is why I start this blog journey – knowing someone out there might want to know I too have been there.

We are back in the saddle again. It has been a little over 6 months since our last (and really it better be the last!) miscarriage. We have been trying since September so I am on my 3rd cycle now. I believe yesterday was my “O” day which would make today 1DPO. Absolutely zero symptoms, of course. (And yes, I've even googled "1DPO symptoms". Should I warn you now that I'm a little crazy?) Just little twinges here and there which might just be ovulation symptoms. Hubs has gotten a kick out of all the baby making lately. I’ve tried very hard to not make it feel like a “chore”. But damn it - why is it so much more enjoyable when you’re not trying! I’ve read that not enjoying it might be a reason for not getting pregnant. I know – I shouldn’t but do believe everything little damn thing I read online! I am not charting with any kits. Just pure instincts, dates, and signs my body gives me. I can try those kits but knowing me, it’s just another thing to obsess about and will consume my life. We have not seen any RE specialists. In fact, I have not even been back to see my OB since follow ups from D&C back in May. I am hoping I’ll have a reason to be back in her office soon. I have suggested to the hubs that we should talk to my doctor about seeing a RE specialist. He suggested we go at it the old-fashioned way for now, and we’ll cross that bridge in a couple of months if I do not get pregnant by then. I agreed. Because I am scared. I’m scared to officially be labeled “infertile”, although yes, I technically am already…but I’m afraid to have a specialist who went to way many more years of school than me in a white coat tell me this. I know I'm in denial...but as scared as I am, I'm also determined to cross that bridge is we have to. Will we ever have to cross that bridge? I don’t know. I guess you’ll find out soon enough if you take this walk with me…

God bless you if you’ve made it this far! Whew!