Working on Christmas Eve…I want to say “can anything be worse?” but I think I do know something that can be worse than this so I won’t even go there. (I will work on every.single.Christmas.Eve for the rest of my career if I can just hold my own baby soon.)
This year, Christmas is pretty quiet. Both sisters are out of town so we won’t be doing much with my family. My parents live 2 hours away so we’re still trying to figure out whether we’ll visit them tomorrow. We have to be back home by afternoon for dinner at the in-laws so I don’t know if timing will work out. So I’m a little sad…that Christmas this year will be just w/The Hubs family.
To be completely honest, this time of the year is a little bit melancholic for me. I celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy all the things Christmas means, but it is also the time of the year I remember saying goodbye to my dad who passed away 5 (wow 5 already!) years ago on New Years Eve. There isn’t a day I do not think about him and miss him. I’ve missed him more through my m/c’s…thinking why he doesn’t ask God a favor on my behalf. I want a son that looks like him. I wonder how different my life would now be if he was still with us. I wonder what he would’ve said and done to make his youngest daughter feel better through these heartbreaking times. And I know he would have. I lost my father to cancer.
I can go on and on about how much we should appreciate our family especially our aging parents everyday, not taking a single second for granted because I know first hand how short life is. I won’t go on and on because I think we all here know how short life is. It can be as short as 6 weeks. I miss a father who lived 60 years and babies that lived 6 weeks. The sudden turns life takes, you’re never prepared for. I don’t know what these next 2 months let alone tomorrow holds in store for me. I will never be prepared for another BFP, u/s, m/c, loss…no matter how many times I’ve experienced it, I will never be prepared. As much as I want something, I am scared sh!tless to have it. Because I’m scared of losing it. 2 things I hate – cancer and m/c. Both should just disappear from this earth.
The Hubs and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. I’m really not one of those wives that expect something special on Anniversaries and Birthdays. Maybe I’m too cynical but I’d like to think it’s more pragmatism than cynicism. I’m a romantic…I love love and romance. I just do not love the frills that embellish the simple, pure innocence of just love. So since we got married, we decided to just exchange Christmas ornaments as gifts. We can look back 20, 30, 40 years from now with all the ornaments we exchanged…with a story for each and pass them onto our children. That last part is the hardest part apparently. Still working on that. This year, we decided to add another tradition along w/exchanging ornaments. Instead of gifts, we will be donating to a charity of each other’s choice in each other’s name. It will not be much. Remember, The Hubs is back in school w/a PT job. And we live in a part of the country with one of the highest costs of living. (I really wouldn’t mind moving but that’s for another time, another post.) We struggle ourselves, battling rent, bills, oh and did I mention TTC? But we know there is so much more in this world than just us and our trials. It won’t be much but a little adds up so we will share the little that we have. I chose City of Hope. It has great meaning to me. The Hubs chose CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County). I’m still childless this Christmas, still hurting, still confused, and still broke. But I will be a little warmer this year as we log onto each others charity tonight, giving a little bit of ourselves, to a big cause…in some ways bigger than our story.
Merry Christmas!
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You definitely put things in perspective. I always try to give at least a little something to a charity over the holidays. I know that even though we're struggling, there are still others who are also.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the loss of your father. It's sad how quickly that time flies.
Hello, I dont know how I stumbled on your blog, but I am glad I did. I relate to so many of the things you are saying.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear(s) is that I will not get pregnant again. And that I will. Because if I do get pregnant again, I have the same chance as before for a loss. It's frightening!
I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas and hope you find peace, lucky, and a sticky baby in 2010!
I can totally relate to not being ready for any of this. Even now that I have a bfp, an u/s scheduled, I am not prepared. I am so afraid of it all. At a time when most would say I should be just appreciating every moment, the overriding emotion is fear and sadness for the possibilities.
ReplyDeleteDH and I also don't exchange gifts for the same reasons. We're 'too practical.' I like your donation idea. That has real meaning.
And I'm so sorry about your dad. DH has lost both of his parents but I still have both of mine. Still, I've heard enough that I do strive to savor every second because I simply cannot imagine losing them. I don't think I would be able to survive it. You are so very strong.