a needed meltdown

Sometimes the best thing to do is just take a step back and look at everything with a fresh mindset. Once you’ve muddled yourself in the midst of chaos and process, you lose yourself and purpose. It takes a step back to put everything into perspective. When I try to detangle a knot and get so caught up in trying to detangle it and that’s all that matters, the knot gets worse and worse each twist and turn I try to detangle. You stop and think WTF. I’ve created a bigger mess when it was something so much simpler to begin with! So you take a step back and gather yourself so you can be refreshed in another attempt to detangle.

That’s how I’ve been. I got so lost in this TTC process that I made it into an even bigger torture than it really is. I had a semi-meltdown this past Saturday. My SIL (The Hubs’ younger sister) came over with her BF. After a night of bingo at a local bingo hall (yes, it's actually incredibly fun and a stress reliever to spend a Saturday night with senior citizens), we discussed a possible New Years Eve party. I had to remind them I do not celebrate on NYE since it is the date of my father’s passing. I don’t sulk and cry all day on every NYE but I certainly do not want to throw a party. We usually just spend the night with family and enjoy each others company, remembering to never take each other for granted. This “party” topic came up because we ended up not having a Christmas party this year so SIL wanted to know when our next “event” would be. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled out “Oooh I know! My 3oth Birthday!”. It is SO not like me to want a Birthday party. In fact, I hate everything about Birthdays. The hype, the balloons in my cubicle, coworkers trying to sing in tune, the “what do you want for your bday?”s. So what made me suggest that out loud? I have no idea. I think I was possessed. So SIL said “Oh yea! That’ll be great!”. Then as quickly as I yelled out my nonsense, I quickly became this nutcase that couldn’t stop crying. In front of the SIL’s BF that I’ve only met twice. I remembered I’m turning 30. 30! I had so much I wanted to accomplish before 30 and a baby (or 2) was right up there. I wasn’t bawling but tears just would not shut off. It was one of those 'why am I crying?' meltdowns mixed in with laughter because I found it ridiculously and unnecessarily dramatic. SIL said all the comforting words your friends/family say to you – you’re still young, next time is it, you have accomplished so much, don’t worry, etc. I’m not one to show my emotions about my TTC/IF trials so I’m sure they all found my emotional meltdown random, odd, and uncomfortable. Wouldn't blame SIL's BF if he never wants to hang out with me again. But you know what…it felt good. It felt so good to just finally let it all out.

That night, The Hubs sat me down and asked what that was all about. I told him I’m borderline depressed. He said no you’re not. Maybe I didn’t sound serious enough? I looked at him like how do you know? He reminded me that our marriage and love is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that my happiness is not validated by a baby. He reminded me that we need to and can live our lives according to our pace, not others. He reminded me that this is not who I am. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. He reminded me that I’m drowning myself in this TTC ocean and need to keep my head above the surface to keep afloat. Otherwise, what’s the point if I won’t survive it?

I have taken a step back to look at the situation refreshed. Am I happy right now? Yes, I am. I love sleeping in on the weekends. I love not cooking. I love not cleaning. I love watching TV whenever I want. I love working OT until whenever I want. I love going to the mall w/The Hubs on a whim. I love going anywhere on a whim. I love taking care of just me and The Hubs. All of this will change when we bring a baby home. But I will love that too when that time comes, but for now, I love what we have right now. I can’t lose either way.