I’m a planner. I sometimes wish I was spontaneous and wild but I like knowing what’s ahead than surprises. I don’t even like surprise parties, gifts, trips. When the hubs says “I have surprise for you”, I’m like “uh-uh – tell me NOW!”. You would think I’m the wild child, being the youngest of 3 girls, but I’m the most cautious, apprehensive, and prepared (or at least WANTS to be prepared). I wish I can be as calm, cool, collected as my oldest sister or balls-out gutsy as my second sister, but I’m not. I’m the worry-freak that can’t sit still and has to plan everything ahead. The hubs wants to host a Christmas get-together at our place like we did last year. I told him 2 week notice to myself or guests ain’t gonna work! Forget it. We’ll crash other people’s parties. Hopefully people like us enough to invite us. But, a part of me did not want to host a party this year because a) I might be pregnant and b) I might not be. Do you know what I mean? If I am pregnant, I don’t want the stress of holding back on the martinis while others party away. :) Oh, that and having 99% of my brain worrying “Is the baby ok..am I spotting…do I still have symptoms?” while only 1% of my brain worries about the wine stain on our carpet. If I am not pregnant, I don’t want to host a party having a fake smile on my face all night. Get the drift?
Being this freakish planner that I am, whenever the Hubs or friends/sisters ask “Hey, lets to go Vegas!” or “When are you gonna come visit me in Philly?”, I would normally be on top of it, excited to plan and set the date before they even finish suggesting the idea. But lately, I can’t. I’m gray with my answers and cannot commit. I cannot finalize. And I’m all about FINALIZATION! Nothing is left up in the air for me! I cannot make any plans for 2010 because of this TTC madness! My sisters want to visit our cousin in Philadelphia in the spring. I cannot commit because I don’t know if I’ll be 5 months pregnant (or even be recovering from yet again another m/c). The Hubs wants to plan a full-blown 30th birthday party for me in March, but I’m not crazy about the idea because again, I don’t know what kind of state of mind/body I’ll be in come March. BFF is getting married in May and we need to start planning her Bachelorette party (yes, we still have some time, but again…I’m a planner.), but I cannot even commit to going to her party if it’s decided to be in Vegas. I don’t care what anyone says…a pregnant woman in Vegas is just wrong. I can harm my baby with that air I breathe in or harm my baby by turning blue holding my breath. Either way, just wrong.
All of this makes me wonder. Am I getting way ahead of myself here? Why am I worrying about something months away from now? This is just crazy. I cannot let this control me and how I live my life. I need to stop planning to plan and just go with the flow. Again, these are just thoughts that go through my head. Just thoughts, because I don’t know if I can do anything about it besides just thinking it. I cannot wake up tomorrow and decide, ok – no more thinking ahead! Just live! So much easier said than done. My life is consumed by TTC and m/c, and I am not going to do a darn thing about it! There!
I did do one thing today that shocks me. Michael Buble is coming to town in April. We’re going. I don’t care if I’m pregnant, we’re going. So tickets are on their way. No way is Michael singing (albeit full blast volume that hurts my chest) as harmful to the baby as Vegas air quality is. Oh my goodness, I’m not even pregnant and I’m worrying about next year!!!
***It's raining today. The beginning of winter here. Rain is our version of snow in so cal. I love the rain! Hoping this is the start of a good week ahead!***
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